Welcome back. I'm Nicholeen Peck and this is the second part to the six part
series that I'm doing on how gentle parenting actually stops bad behavior. I know that can be
shocking to some people. In this video, we're going to be talking about skill development.
In this video, we're going to spend a little minute talking about gentle parenting and self
government to make sure we're all on the same page and then we're going to talk about skills,
and what type of self government skills will actually help you achieve your gentle parenting
goals. So what is gentle parenting? Gentle parenting is a type of parenting that employs
empathy, understanding, respect, caring, mercy, love all of those things. There's a tone, there's
a feeling to it that hopefully should bring parent and child together. But it can actually
produce emotional entitlement if it's not done properly. There does have to be a structure in
place that helps parents be able to maintain their parental authority, one of the main traps
with gentle parenting movement is that a parent will actually lose their parental authority,
and then they will lose their role and the child will lose their role in the family. If both people
do not live according to their roles, then the family will be in a state of dysfunction. If
the learner doesn't learn or the teacher doesn't teach, then the family will be in dysfunction. So
this is important than for us to make sure that we have something, a structure in place that maintains
roles and authority, but also gives us this tone of connection and this understanding and respect.
Speaking of respect, this book here Roles, The Secret to Family Business, and Social Success
is all about the roles in the family and how to increase respect for each other. For years,
I've taught parenting all over the world and many times parents have said to me, you know,
I think the problem with my parenting is that they don't respect me, and I don't respect them.
And I will say to them, hmm, I could see how they wouldn't respect you. Do they know who you
are? Well, I'm their mom they say, but are they treating you like your mom? Or are they treating
you like someone else? Hmm. They say, that's a very interesting assessment. Yes. Because roles,
if they don't know who you are, and treat you who you are, then you are not going to have respect.
You are the teacher, they need to listen. So then I say to them, well, what's the role of your child?
Well, I don't know. I guess they're a learner. They're a child. So they're learning. That's
right. They're a learner. So are they always willing to learn? They say maybe they're not
willing to learn? Well, if that's the case, then you also have a roles problem. So this book Roles
is a really great book at helping understand who you are in the family so that you don't fall into
those types of dysfunctional moments where people are not teaching or learning when they should be.
But then how do you do all of that teaching and learning without having any hard feelings?
Let's talk about that. All the things that we are going to talk about related to skill development
are contained in this book, Parenting A House United. And if you joined me in the last class,
you know that right now, I am willing to give anybody who does this training this book for free.
This is rare. I've never done this before. I've been guarding this book for years. I wrote it
back in 2009. This is the second edition, which is much better than the first if you have the first,
this one came out in 2022. This book has sold thousands and thousand, hundreds of thousands of copies at
this point, it is a best selling book. And it is a book that I want everybody in the world to have.
So I'm willing to give it to you for free. There is a link in the description below this video,
be sure to click on that at some point either during or after this video so that you can get
your copy for free. I will give it to you for free plus a little cost for the shipping because
I can't pay shipping for everybody, especially because people live in all kinds of different
places. But I will pay for the book for you. So I hope you enjoy it. All right, let's talk skills.
There are four basic skills that take care of 99% of behavioral problems. And if you teach
them to your children ahead of time, you will have less problems. Now this doesn't mean that
there'll be perfect. We always need to be open to correcting situations. A truly gentle parent says
to themselves, I'm gonna have to correct things. Okay, that's my job. That's my role as the parent
and the teacher of this child is to correct them and help them along. So prepare yourself
to always correct problems because they learn and grow and experiment all along the way. But if you
have a common vocabulary associated with skills and actions that everybody understands together,
then you will create an environment where anxiety decreases because predictability has increased,
everyone will understand what's going on with the parenting, you can correct the child, even follow
through with a consequence, and people will not feel like they've been personally attacked. Now,
I have to put a little caveat in here. Some children are more emotional, and they may cry,
they may get angry when they get corrected, even though you've done it completely safe,
completely gentle and that's okay, they can learn how to analyze that type of a reaction,
and how to plan for better thoughts and better words in the future.
You don't have to take it personal. Just because a child cries does not mean you did it wrong. In
fact, sometimes it just means they're learning the next lesson, which is how to accept a consequence,
which is one of the four basic skills. So these books each teach one of the four basic skills.
I've got videos all over this channel that teach these four basic skills. So I'm not going to teach
every one to you right now. But these books teach following instructions, accepting "no" answers and
criticism, accepting consequences, which is required for learning self government, if you
never get the opportunity to accept a consequence, then everything in your life has just happened to
you and you never got to take responsibility for any of it. That's actually kind of bad. And then
disagreeing appropriately, which is one of their favorites, because this helps them get understood,
helps them change your mind and share with you things that you might not have considered before.
In fact, let's talk right now about accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately. So
let's talk about accepting consequences. When a person accepts a consequence, which, like I said,
is something we need to give our children the opportunity to do so that they can learn cause
and effect, then the person looks at the person or the situation, keeps a calm face, voice and body
says, okay, or asks to disagree appropriately, which is that other skill we're going to talk
about in a minute, and then they say, okay, so they accept the consequences, that happened,
I earned it, I accept it, then they go do the consequence. They check back with their parents so
that they can get praised for it, they can return a report show some responsibility and ownership.
And then they drop the subject, meaning they don't choose to be angry or upset about the situation,
they choose to just be okay and say, okay, which is a very mature thing to learn to do. And it
can take children some practice, but we allow them to practice by teaching them the skill,
and then following through again and again. And when we do our corrections,
we hopefully have our own skills in place, so that we don't do corrections with harshness,
or with condescending tones. But instead, teach them as a gentle patient teacher would teach.
In fact, I have certain steps for correcting negative behaviors that are in the free book
that you can get in the description below this video that you will want to learn because that
script for correction can be something that you can hold on to when you feel like you
might be just about ready to lose control. It helps me so many times when I was a treatment
foster parent. So let's talk about disagreeing appropriately. So disagreeing appropriately,
you look at the person or the situation, you keep a calm face, voice and body and then you say that
you understand the other person's point of view, you share your point of view, you listen to what
they have to say, and you say, okay, and drop the subject. Now I've trained my children that if they
do the disagree, appropriately skill, that I will always hear them out. That doesn't mean I will
always agree with them, but I will always hear them out and I want them to remind me to do that.
They do that by doing a skill called pre teaching. Now pre teaching is one of our effective parenting
skills and there are three different ways to do a pre teaching that will all be contained
in the Parenting of House United book for you. So they pre teach me by saying mom,
may I disagree appropriately? Oh, yes, I know now they're going to do because I know their skill.
And I know my job is to listen and to understand and to be patient as I hear them out. So then
they will do their disagree appropriately. And then I repeat back what I understand for them.
And then I either say okay, that they can have things their way or I say no, it still needs to
be a no answer. Or, oh, you still need to do that instruction even though I know you don't want to
so then they say okay, and drop the subject, then I praise them. Praising is another one of
my skills. You should praise your children six to 10 times for every one time that you correct them.
There are so many skills that we could talk about, skills like leading a great meeting and another
part in this series we will spend time talking about having good meetings. So remember that
free book, don't forget to click in the description below this video to get your free book and join me
for tomorrow's class where we talk more about pre teaching and go into some of the nuts and
bolts for leading a great meeting.