I got to go on a date in college...
which was big for me.
I don't get to go on, you know--
I don't get to go on a lot of dates 'cause I don't know how to talk to people.
But the date was good. We went to dinner.
And then went to a movie.
And then we, uh, went back to my place.
Okay? And, guys, I'm gonna go there with you, okay?
I'm gonna get a little nasty, all right?
We were kissing, okay? We were kissing, all right?
But then, in the middle of kissing,
she told me that she wanted me to choke her.
Now, I don't know about you guys,
but I have arthritis in my hands.
So I couldn't talk up how I was about to choke her, I'm about to choke her.
She's about to find out about me, you know?
So I was trying to talk up how bad I was gonna choke her
and make her feel like she was still into it.
You know? So I was like, "Baby, I'm gonna choke you, all right?
'Cause that's what you want. 'Cause that's what you need.
But it will feel like a turtleneck.
There's nothing I can do about it.
No, baby, you're gonna get choked.
You asked to be choked. It's choking time, okay?
I'm gonna even shake your head and scream at your face
while I choke you,
but you will feel safe the entire time.
You will feel totally safe.
There's nothing I can do about that."
Been trying to work out...
so I can have a man's body.
I am a, uh, extra medium.
I have always wanted to be big
and it did not work out for me.
I just want to have those broad shoulders.
Like that, arr, like, you know, like...
So I've been working out, but joining a gym is too easy, you know?
I just gave them money and they let me start working out.
But I don't know what I'm doing.
So now I don't know what I'm doing next to heavy stuff.
Nothing changed since I gave you $25.
You know, like, I was trying to do some dead lifts
just pick it up, put it back down
'cause it build up the legs.
'Cause you don't want to have a ripped upper body
and tiny legs.
And my legs...
if I were wearing shorts,
you would be distracted, okay?
You'd be like "Oh, he might be funny,
but I can't hear him past the sound of his knees shaking."
So I was trying to do some dead lifts.
Just pick it up, put it back down, you know?
And so I'm standing in front of the bar,
but no one even told me that the weight
had to be even on each side.
Like, I don't-- I don't know what I'm doing.
But I'm bent in, got the legs open,
and the... over the...
trying to put my back curled
or whatever you're supposed to do.
And I'm gripping the weight and I'm trying to psych myself up
like I can really lift this weight.
And right then, the most beautiful woman walked up next to me.
I'm like, now I gotta pick it up.
I can't just be like, "Mm, that's not mine,"
and then walk away like I gotta--
I gotta at least try to pick it up.
So I'm gonna try to pick it up, so, like, "Eye Of the Tiger"
is playing in my head, and, like, Rocky's behind me
with a stroke face saying, "You can do it."
Like, I feel like--
feel like I might really be able to pick this up.
And so I go to lift it up, and the most unrecognizable sound leaves my body.
Because I go to pick it up and immediately I'm like...
( squeaks ) "Ahh!"
I've never...
I've never in my life made that sound before,
but I go to pick it up, and I'm like,
"Ahh! That's not mine."
And I did it anyway. I just walked away, so...
And then I tried to redeem myself later
by working out next to her
like I make that sound all the time.
I was just doing curls next to her later like...
Ahh!
Didn't work. She just left.