WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE, OUT THERE.
IS I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW--
HUMANS HAVE SPENT MILLENNIA ASKING GOD, "WHY DO BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?" AND I'VE SPENT THE LAST FIVE
YEARS ASKING, "WHY DON'T BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO FORMER WHITE
HOUSE STRATEGIST AND MAN LICKING HIS LIPS, STARING AT A WOUNDED
PIGEON, STEVE BANNON?" WELL, IT IS POSSIBLE, IT IS
POSSIBLE, THAT MY PRAYERS ARE ABOUT TO BE ANSWERED.
BECAUSE BANNON IS ONE OF THE TOP WITNESSES THAT HOUSE
INVESTIGATORS WANT TO TALK TO ABOUT WHO PLANNED THE JANUARY 6
INSURRECTION.
THEY SUBPOENAED HIM, BUT HE REFUSED TO COOPERATE, SO LAST
NIGHT, THE COMMITTEE BROUGHT THE GAVEL DOWN, AND VOTED
UNANIMOUSLY TO RECOMMEND CHARGING BANNON WITH CRIMINA
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HELL, YEAH!
CRIMINAL CONTEMPT MAKES SENSE, TO ME BECAUSE I FEEL A LOT OF
CONTEMPT FOR THAT CRIMINAL.
NOW, THIS IS A BIG MOMENT.
WHILE 650 MEMBERS OF THE JANUARY 6 MOB HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR
STORMING THE CAPITOL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE SEEN ANY
ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ONE OF THE BIG FISH.
OR IN BANNON'S CASE, ONE OF THOSE WEIRD GELATINOUS FISH THAT
LIVE IN ETERNAL DARKNESS WITH SPIKEY TEETH AND A LANTERN BLOB
APRERD GROWING OUT OF HIS FACE.
( APPLAUSE )
SEE THESE CONSEQUENCES WHEN THEY HAPPEN.
IF THEY HAPPEN.
AT A DATE TO BE NAMED LATER, BECAUSE, FIRST, THE CONTEMPT
QUESTION WILL GO TO A VOTE IN THE FULL DEMOCRATIC-CONTROLLED
HOUSE.
THE CONTEMPT REPORT WILL THEN BE CERTIFIED BY SPEAKER NANCY
PELOSI TO THE U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, AT
WHICH POINT THE DECISION WILL BE IN THE HANDS OF THE DEPARTMENT
OF JUSTICE, WHO WILL EVALUATE THE MATTER BASED ON THE FACTS
AND THE LAW, AND THEN DECIDE WHETHER TO BRING THE CASE TO A
GRAND JURY, WHO WOULD HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER TO INDICT BANNON,
AT WHICH POINT THE CASE WOULD GO TO FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT IN
D.C. FOR TRIAL...
( TAKES DEEP BREATH )
DEFEND HIMSELF.
AFTER WHICH, HE MIGHT BE CONVICTED AND FACE A FINE OF
$100 TO $100,000 AND A JAIL SENTENCE OF ONE MONTH TO ONE
YEAR.
BUT THAT PROCESS, EVEN IF BANNON WAS SUCCESSFULLY PROSECUTED AND
JAILED, STILL WOULDN'T FORCE HIM TO DISCLOSE THE INFORMATION.
IN OTHER WORDS: JUSTICE!
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS SCENE FROM "TAKEN":
>> IF YOU LET MY DAUGHTER GO NOW, THAT'LL BE THE END OF IT. I
WILL NOT LOOK FOR YOU.
I WILL NOT PURSUE YOU.
BUT IF YOU DON'T, I WILL LOOK FOR YOU, I WILL FIND YOU, AND I
WILL SERVE YOU A SUBPOENA.
THEN, IF YOU DON'T COMPLY TO THAT, THE COMMITTEE WILL VOTE TO
HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS.
>> THEN YOU KILL ME?
>> NO, ONCE THAT VOTE PASSES, THE HOUSE HAS TO ALSO VOTE TO
HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT.
THEN ONCE THAT PASSES, WE REFER THE CASE TO THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT.
THEN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WILL EVALUATE THE MATTER, AND THEY
MAY OR MAY NOT BRING THE CASE TO A GRAND JURY.
>> AND THEN THEY KILL ME?
>> NO!
THEN, IF YOU GET CONVICTED, YOU CAN GET A FINE, OR MAYBE A FEW
MONTHS IN PRISON.
>> THAT'S IT?
>> YES.
>> OKAY, I'M GONNA GO DO MORE CRIMES THEN.
BYEEE!
( APPLAUSE )
QUALITY MOVIE.
HE'S SO GOOD.
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BRING THE HAMMER DOWN, BECAUSE THERE ARE A
LOT OF UPCOMING ELECTIONS.
AND IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY DIDN'T END IN A RIOT.
FOR INSTANCE-STANCE, THERE'S THE TIGHT RACE FOR GOVERNOR OF
VIRGINIA BETWEEN DEMOCRAT TERRY McAULIFFE AND REPUBLICAN
GLENN YOUNGKIN-- A.K.A., THE TWO MOST BORING UNCLES AT THE FAMILY
REUNION.
BOTH SIDES ARE BRINGING IN THE BIG GUNS-- AND SOME LOOSE
CANNONS, LIKE FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN
HERE ABOUT TO FIGHT STEVE BANNON FOR THAT WOUNDED PIGEON.
( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT, RUDY WEIGHED IN WITH AN ATTACK ON TERRY McAULIFFE.
JUST TO PREPARE YOU, RUDY BIZARRELY REFERENCES A
LONG-DEBUNKED EARLY 90s SCANDAL ABOUT THE CLINTONS SUPPOSEDLY
RENTING OUT THE LINCOLN BEDROOM.
AND THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD PART: >> VIRGINIA, VOTE AGAINST THE
MAN WHO DISHONORED OUR PAST BY SELLING MY BEDROOM HUNDREDS AND
HUNDREDS OF TIMES TO SCOUNDRELS IN A PAY-FOR-PLAY SCHEME!
IN MY TIME, WE HAD A NAME FOR MEN WHO SOLD BEDROOMS FOR ONE
NIGHT.
IN YOUR TIME, THE NAME IS TERRY McAULIFFE!
END THE CLINTON SLEAZE ONCE AND FOR ALL!
>> Stephen: THAT IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE WORST THING THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S-- IT'S UP THERE.
IT'S-- IT'S HIGH UP THERE.
MAYBE NOT-- IT'S ONE OF THE WORST.
>> Jon: HONEST ABE >> Stephen: A LOT TO UNPACK
HERE.
WORKING FROM THE TOP DOWN: THAT'S NOT A LINCOLN HAT.
THAT'S A MAD HATTER HAT.
THOUGH, COMPARED TO RUDY, HE WAS A PRETTY REASONABLE HATTER.
AND I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN PLACE THAT ACCENT.
IT'S EITHER BRITISH, SOUTHERN, OR CABERNET.
( LAUGHTER )
AGAIN.
>> IN MY TIME, WE HAD A NAME FOR MEN WHO SOLD BEDROOMS FOR
ONE NIGHT.
>> Stephen: INNKEEPERS?
( LAUGHTER )
DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO RENTS A ROOM FOR ONE HOUR TO "ADJUST
THEIR MICROPHONE?"
( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ SPEAKING OF NAUGHTY BITS: SOCIAL
MEDIA'S ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SORT OUT
WHAT'S ART AND WHAT'S DIRTY.
AND NO CASE ILLUSTRATES THE STRUGGLE BETTER THAN WHEN A
WOMAN RECENTLY POSTED A PHOTO OF THE VENUS OF WILLENDORF, A
30,000-YEAR-OLD STATUE OF A FERTILITY FIGURE.
BUT FACEBOOK RULED THE PICTURE WAS PORNOGRAPHIC AND REMOVED IT.
OH, NO!
NOW WHERE WILL PEOPLE FIND NAKED PICTURES ON THE INTERNET?
( LAUGHTER )
NOTICED THAT CBS IS ACTUALLY MAKING US CENSOR HER, SHALL WE
SAY, WILLENDORF.
AND YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "SERIOUSLY?
SHE'S 30,000 YEARS OLD."
YES, SO ARE CBS VIEWERS.
FACEBOOK APOLOGIZED, BUT VIENNA'S NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM,
WHERE THE STATUE RESIDES, WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT THE CENSORSHIP, SO
NOW VIENNA'S TOURISM BOARD IS TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH--
SHOWCASING THE MUSEUM'S ART ON ONLYFANS.
GREAT-- SO NOW WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT ART, YOU GOTTA PAY TO
UNLOCK CONTENT.
"SEND ANOTHER $20, AND WE'LL TOUCH MORE THAN FINGERS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
APPARENTLY-- APPARENTLY--
APPARENTLY, NOW THAT IT'S OVER ON ONLYFANS, SUBSCRIBERS TO THE
VIENNA TOURISM BOARD'S PAGE CAN CHECK OUT EXPLICIT WORKS.
WHICH IS GREAT FOR ART, BUT REALLY BAD FOR HORNY DUDES WHO
ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLE ON A PICASSO:
"WOW, LOOK AT HER...
I'M GONNA SAY BOOBS?
THAT THE CLUSTER OF TRIANGLES, RIGHT?
THERE'S SEVEN OF THEM?
MAYBE IT'S THE--- NAH, FORGET IT.
I'M GONNA GO LOOK AT SOME GEORGIA O'KEEFE'S."
( LAUGHTER )
BUT ART ISN'T THE ONLY THING FACEBOOK IS RUINING.
THEY'RE STILL FACING ACCUSATIONS OF ENDANGERING TEENS, SPREADING
MISINFORMATION, AND DESTROYING DEMOCRACY.
SO THEY'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING: REBRANDING THE COMPANY
WITH A NEW NAME.
BUT THAT NEW NAME IS A CLOSELY GUARDED SECRET THAT'S NOT KNOWN
WIDELY, EVEN AMONG FACEBOOK SENIOR LEADERSHIP.
WELL, THAT'S SURPRISING: FACEBOOK HAS LEADERSHIP?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN CASE THEY HAVEN'T-- IN CASE--
SURE, WHY NOT JUST IN CASE THEY HAVEN'T
SETTLED ON IT YET, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" CAME UP WITH A
FEW APPROPRIATE NAMES, LIKE PINSURRECTIONIST.
DIKTOK.
AUNT BRENDA'S THREE-PARAGRAPH RANT-A-TORIUM.
( RUSSIAN ACCENT )
AND THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS THE STAR OF HBO'S "INSECURE," ISSA RAE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, DID YOU READ YOUR BOOK CLUB BOOK?
THE ANSWER IS NO.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪