- Well, my family, there's a lot
of like conspiracy theorists in the family.
And my mom was like,
"Hampton, all the billionaires in the world,
they all have secret meetings
that you're not allowed to go to."
I'm like, those aren't secret meetings,
you're just not invited.
(audience laughs)
You're just not allowed to go to them.
This is a thing.
If anybody here has a family member
who's like a hardcore conspiracy theorist,
this is the only way I've found
you can win a conversation with them.
You have to out conspiracy theory them.
You have to up the game.
It's the only thing they respond to.
Like if you talk with somebody and they're like,
"Oh man, look at the photos of the moon landing.
See that? The flag's waving.
Why is it waving, man?
There's no oxygen on the moon.
Open your mind, man."
You just gotta look him right in the eye and be like,
"Wow, you believe in the moon?
(audience laughs)
What are you, seven?"
Man, I don't think Barack Obama was born in this country.
Who gives a shit, he's a ghost.
It's way worse. (audience laughs)
(hip hop music)
- Does anybody else feel like they're losing their grip
on reality as of late?
I really do. Like what is, remember truth?
Oh, those were the days, huh?
When you knew what was real, oh god.
What is the truth?
We don't even know anymore.
And I think part of it is because we've entered
into the golden age of conspiracy theorists.
It is their time.
Now, you probably all know one hardcore conspiracy theorist.
Usually they have a name like Uncle Dennis, right?
It used to be that Uncle Dennis was pretty harmless,
like maybe the extent of it would be,
like at a family function, Thanksgiving maybe,
there was a quiet moment, everyone's chewing.
Uncle Dennis sees his in and he's like,
(clearing throat) (audience laughs)
"Y'all know what they're saying about the frogs, don't ya?"
And you're just like, "No, Uncle Dennis, we don't.
Please enlighten us."
It's not funny, Sarah.
The frogs are turning gay.
Now they don't know why they're turning gay, but I do.
I figured it out.
Barack Obama did it.
(audience laughs)
And you're just like, "No, Uncle Dennis, no."
You hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper.
Like that's what it used to be like.
But now the situation has changed, things have shifted.
Now Uncle Dennis is literally
the next National Security Advisor
of the United States of America.
It's like, oh my god, that is terrifying.
(audience applauds)
Now, say what you want about the man,
but I do 100% blame Donald Trump for this phenomenon.
I don't know how he did it, (audience cheers)
but he put out some kind of clarion call
that only the conspiracy theorists could hear.
It was like (imitates animal call)
and they all emerged from their evidence sheds
like 17-year cicadas, just ready to make a lot of noise.
It's like (hissing)
This is our time.
You will finally hear us.
And we are, we're hearing them.
I literally Googled last week, like,
"Is the Earth flat?" Maybe.
(audience laughs)
There's a lot of chatter.
- Just don't understand,
how do you not believe in any conspiracy theories?
I understand not all of them, not most of 'em,
but you don't believe in any conspiracy theories?
(audience laughs)
You just think the government's just batting 1,000
and telling us the whole truth?
That's a strong stance to take.
And again, as I said before,
I don't like talking about politics, on stage or off stage,
'cause I don't like talking about things
I don't feel like I'm truly knowledgeable in.
But I do know this,
a government is placed in charge of all of its people.
I'm a father who's been placed in charge of just one son.
And I lie to that nigger all the time.
(audience laughs)
- I was talking to my neighbor,
he's a big conspiracy theorist.
A lot of conspiracies being tossed around right now.
You guys into that?
How do we feel? - Yeah, yeah.
- All right, a person.
We didn't land on the moon.
(audience laughs)
I was talking to him, he's a Flat-Earther.
Is anybody a Flat-Earther here?
All right, I don't know why you would identify yourselves.
I'm right here, let's talk.
(audience laughs)
I want to have a dialogue with you.
I was talking to him, and he was like,
"Luke, I think the Earth is flat.
Sorry if that's not politically correct."
I was like, "No, that's just regular incorrect."
You can't just say a crazy conspiracy theory,
like I don't think Ohio is real, sorry if that offends you.
Yeah, the sun's a big light bulb created by the CIA
to control our minds.
Are you triggered, lib?
(audience laughs)
- I'm a conspiracy theorist,
but all my conspiracies are so low rent,
nobody else wants to entertain them with me.
I'll try and talk with other conspiracy theorists,
but I'm like the Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
of conspiracy theorists, just trying to chime in.
Obviously, the mafia killed JFK
because it'd be advantageous for them.
Like I think Trader Joe's parking lots
are made too small on purpose just to make 'em seem
like they're more popular than they really are.
(audience laughs and cheers)
That proves nothing. That's not.
Why are you even here, man?
Anyway, obviously the moon landing was fake
just so we could gain more funding for NASA,
'cause it's really just a military complex
that we're putting into space.
I think that guy, excuse me,
I think that the FDA is just making up expiration dates
on food because they're in bed with Kraft,
just trying to get you to buy condiments
when you don't really have to
because mayonnaise doesn't get old.
(audience laughs)
It just becomes Miracle Whip.
That's the miracle. (audience laughs)
Know what that little extra tang in,
that you taste in there is,
you know what that is? Patience.
- I have been celebrating the return of gossip
in all of our lives.
(audience cheers)
Yes, absolutely, absolutely.
We were deprived of it for a good year and a half,
and now it's coming back hot.
It's back, baby.
Clap it up if you also love some gossip.
(audience applauds and cheers)
Thank you, thank you.
All of you, all of you who did not clap are lying
to yourselves and everyone around you.
It's true, you love it.
Listen, we all like gossip. Who doesn't?
People talking to people about people,
what's there not to love?
(audience laughs)
I think gossip is natural.
I think gossip is healthy.
I think gossip is self-care.
Okay, that was toxic, toxic Gemini behavior.
No, it's true.
I think, you know, people have been gossiping
since the beginning of time, they really have.
And I feel like there's this weird sexist idea
that only women like to gossip,
as if conspiracy theories
aren't just gossip delivered confidently as fact.
(audience laughs)
It's the same thing.
It's the exact same.
The only difference between conspiracy theories
and gossip is how you say it.
A conspiracy theorist will say something like,
"Hilary Clinton drinks the blood of newborn babies.
Yeah, I was there, I saw it with my own eyes."
No he wasn't.
But a drunk gossipy woman will be like,
(audience laughs)
"Well, I heard from Sasha, who heard from Terry,
that Hilary may be throwing back a bit
of the baby blood these days,
but you didn't hear it from me.
You didn't hear from me."
She names her sources.
She gives credit where credit's due.
That's just a good journalist.
- My favorite conspiracy theory is the belief
that we didn't land on the moon,
that we faked the moon mission, which I like,
'cause it's 40 years ago and it still drives them crazy.
They're furious.
They say, "We never landed on the moon.
It's a conspiracy, and it goes all the way to the top."
(audience laughs)
All right, let's say that we did fake it. Who cares?
Like what's the craziest thing that happened?
Like maybe we ticked off the Russians.
Maybe Neil Armstrong got laid a few more times.
Let's face it, come closing time,
that moon credit really gets your foot in the door.
In fact, that's the only reason that you could get mad,
like if Neil Armstrong had sex with your girlfriend,
then you could dissect the footage and be like,
"Honey, look at this, look at this. The flag moves.
He puts the flag on the moon, but it's waving
and it's moving, and you can't,
there's no stars in the picture.
You can't see any stars. You know why?
'Cause you are a whore,
because I go out of town for three days
(audience laughs)
and you're porking astronauts.
You're off the softball team."
- I got vaccinated as soon as I could, right away.
Not right away, I waited (audience cheers)
until Cardi B made a TikTok saying it was cool.
Then I was like, "Aight, it's safe."
Some people don't wanna get vaccinated,
which is, that's up to you.
If you wanna get vaccinated,
it's up to you, completely your choice.
But if you don't want to get vaccinated,
and you wanna talk about it,
please remember to make up a good excuse
why you don't want to get vaccinated.
(audience laughs)
I had a conversation with this dude the other day
who told me he wasn't gonna get vaccinated,
'cause he thought the whole pandemic was created
just so they could make a vaccine,
put a chip in the vaccine, and then inject the chip,
so they could keep track of you and everything you do.
And I was like, "First of all, you work at Chick-fil-A.
Nobody cares about what you do.
Y'all got great customer service,
but the government isn't discussing you at the Pentagon.
I promise you that.
You're free to come and go as you please."
I don't believe about the putting the chip into everybody,
'cause I feel like if you wanted
to put a chip into everybody's arm,
you don't need to create a whole new disease.
You could just make a vaccine for a disease
that already exists, something we trust,
something we know is real.
Like sir, honest question.
You think anybody'd be refusing the vaccine
if they announced it was a herpes vaccine all the way?
No. I see your face.
You're like, is it coming?
When can I take it?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, all the men in here, I saw how happy y'all got.
We'll all take it.
You don't even need to call it a vaccine,
you can straight up call it the herpes chip.
We'll still take it, we don't care.
Anytime a girl bring up using a condom, you'd be like,
"Babe, don't worry about it, I'm on the chip.
They're tracking me.
(audience laughs)
The government knows, don't worry about it."
(hip hop music)