MY SET ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGED WHILE WE WERE AWAY.
ON OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE THE BREAK, THE UNITED STATES HAD
JUST HIT FOUR MILLION CASES OF CORONAVIRUS AND NOW TWO WEEKS
LATER THE U.S. HAS TOPPED FIVE MILLION CONFIRMED VIRUS CASES.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
BUT WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THESE NUMBERS WERE COMING WHEN THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL ANNOUNCED THEIR NEW COVID
STRATEGY.
>> A MILLION WOULD BE COOL, YOU KNOW WHAT IS COOL.
>> FIVE MILLION CASES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SURGEON GENERAL TIMBERLAKE.
NOW KEEP IN MIND, FIVE MILLION IS THE LOW ESTIMATE, DUE TO
ASYMPTOMATIC CARRIERS AND LIMITED TESTING HEALTH OFFICIALS
BELIEVE THAT THE ACTUAL NUMBER COULD BE TEN TIMES HIGHER.
THAT IS 50 MILLION PEOPLE,-- 50 MILLION PEOPLE.
IF YOU HAD 50 MILLION PEOPLE?
THE UNITED STATES STAND HAND-IN-HAND IN A STRAIGHT LINE
THEY WOULD GET A LOT MR PEOPLE SICK, DON'T HOLD HANDS, WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU.
METAPHOR, WHATEVER.
THE UNITED STATES FAILURE TO GET THE VIRUS UNDER CONTROL HAS BEEN
MET WITH ASTONISHMENT AND ALARM IN YAWRP.
OF COURSE THEY ARE EUROPEAN ALARMS SO THEY SOUND LIE
DOO-DOO-DOO.
A LITTLE DOPPLER, ONE ITALIAN JOURNALIST SUMMED UP THE
EUROPEAN REACTION TO THE UNITED STATES COVID RESPONSE SAYING WE
ALWAYS SAW AMERICA AS A MODEL BUT WITH THIS VIRUS WE
DISCOVERED A COMPANY THAT IS VERY FRAJ WILL BAD
INFRASTRUCTURE AND A PUBLIC HEALTH SYSTEM THAT IS
NONEXISTENT.
OKAY, WE DON'T HAVE A PUBLIC HEALTH SYSTEM BUT WE DO HAVE
SYSTEMIC RACISM OR TRUST NUTS AS KNOWN OS BE COULDN'T LES
TESTICLE D'AUTOBUS.
BUT, YOU OKAY OVER THERE?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
WITH INTERNATIONAL ATTITUDES TOWARD AMERICA CHANGING WE MIGHT
HAVE TO UPDATE THAT CLASSIC SONG FROM "WEST SIDE STORY."
♪ TO AMERICA.
♪.
>> NETFLIX AND CRY IN AMERICA.
♪ >> Stephen: BROADWAY IS
CLOSED, I'M ALL YOU GOT.
NOW DEMOGRAPHIC RESEARCH HAS SHOWN THAT A MAJORITY OF MY
VIEWERS ARE TOTAL BAD ASS WHICH MEANS THAT MOST OF YOU I'M SURE
ARE WATCHING MY SHOW FROM STURGIS, SOUTH DAKOTA RIGHT NOW
AT THE ANNUAL STURGIS MOTORCYCLE RALLY.
EACH YEAR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF ROAD RASH ENTHUSIASTS FLOCK
TO STURGIS FOR TEN DAYS OF HARD-CORE HOGGING.
OF COURSE GIVEN THE ONGOING PANDEMIC THIS YEAR'S RALLY IS
MORE OF A IS HE DATE AFFAIR WITH A TURNOUT OF MERELY 250,000
PEOPLE WHO COMPLETELY IGNORED SOCIAL DISTANCING GUIDE LINES.
BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT.
AFTER ALL THE SHOW ISN'T CALLED SONS OF RESPONSIBILITY.
THESE ROWDY BIKERS KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE IN FOR.
SOME WERE SEEN WEARING SHUTTERS THAT SAID SCREW COVID, I WENT TO
STURGIS.
OKAY.
CAVALIER BUT BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL DESIGN SCREW OLD
PEOPLE, I LIKE MY GIANT MOART PENIS.
I WANT THAT SHIRT.
OF COURSE BIKERS ARE USED TO LIVING DANGEROUSLY, WE HAVE ALL
SEEN THE CLASSIC MOVIE WHEEZY RIDER IT IS NOT JUST OUTLAW
BIKERS IGNORING MASK AND SOCIAL DISTANCING.
ON FRIDAY TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE AT HIS GOLF COURSE IN
BEDMINSTER WITNESSED BY A CROWD OF PEOPLE WITHOUT MASKS OR
SOCIAL DISTANCING.
HERE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, THIS IS THE WORST
EXAMPLE PET BY AN EXECUTIVE BRANCH MEMBER SINCE THE TIME
NANCY REAGAN GAVE THE ANTIDRUG SPEECH TWEAKED.
YEAH, I SAID ANTIDRUG.
I SAID ANTIDRUG, SO WHAT.
SHE WAS TWEAKED!
SHE WAS ON OLD DR. ISIS TOOTHLOOSEINER.
YOU MIGHT RECALL BEFORE I WANT ON BREAK CONGRESS COULDN'T AGREE
ON ANYTHING, SPECIFICALLY HOW MUCH SUPPLEMENTAL UNEMPLOYMENT
PAY OUT OF WORK AMERICANS SHOULD GET.
DEMOCRATS WANTED TO KEEP THE AMOUNT, REPUBLICANS PROPOSED
REDUCING THE 600 WEEKLY SUPPLEMENT TO $200 BUT ALSO
PROPOSING TURNING THE FOOD STAMP PROGRAM INTO ACTUAL STAMPS YOU
LICK FOR SUS TENANCE.
HMMM, KIDS, WHO'S HUNGRY FOR MORE GLUE.
HUFFY.
AFTER WEEKS OF DEAD LOCK NEGOTIATIONS DONALD TRUMP FAINL
LEIGH HAD TO STEP IN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, YOU
SHOULD NOT HAVE ELECTED ME PRESIDENT.
ON SATURDAY, IN ADDITION TO OTHER MEASURES PRESIDENT TRUMP
SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER PROVIDING $400 IN SUPPLEMENTAL
UNEMPLOYMENT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS IN FAVOR OF PROVIDING THAT BECAUSE
COME JANUARY EVERYONE IN HIS FAMILY MIGHT NEED IT.
TRUMP ALSO SIGNED OTHER EXECUTIVE ORDERS INCLUDING A
PAYROLL TAX HOLIDAY, STUDENT LOAN RELIEF AND EVICTION
MORATORIUM.
OF COURSE HE WANTS THAT, COME JANUARY EVERYONE IN HIS FAMILY
MIGHT NEED IT.
A JOKE SO NICE WE DID IT TWICE.
LAUGH.
I WILL SAY THIS.
TRUMP FACING RE-ELECTION AND FINALLY GAVE VOTERS SOMETHING
THAT IS NOT A VIRUS.
ONE PROBLEM, IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.
SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS ABOUT TRUMP'S EXECUTIVE ORDER.
>> MY CONSTITUTIONAL ADVISORS TELL ME THEY'RE ABSURDLY
UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
>> Stephen: WOW, THE LAST TIME THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH TRIED TO DO
SOMETHING ABSURDLY UNCONSTITUTIONAL, WAS WHEN JOHN
C CALHOUN USED FEDERAL FUNDING TO OPEN HIS THEME RESTAURANT
JOHN C KALHOOTERS.
PEOPLE LOVE JOHN C CALHOUN, ONE THING I KNOW THE YOUNG LINGS
LOVE JOKES ABOUT A VICE PRESIDENT FROM THE 1840S.
-- NO, 1820, RIGHT?
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE TRUMP'S ORDERS AREN'T JUST
UNCONSTITUTIONAL, THEY ALSO DON'T HELP.
TAKE THAT ALLEGED $400 A WEEK HE IS OFFERING.
IN ORDER TO GET THE MONEY TRUMP IS REQUIRING STATES TO PICK UP
THE TAB FOR 25% OF IT AND STATES MUST FIRST AGREE TO ENTER INTO
THIS FINANCIAL AGREEMENT WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, DRINKS ARE ON ME AS LONG AS YOU PICK UP 25% OF IT
FIRST.
COME ON, YOU PEOPLE ARE DESPERATE, YOU WOULD HATE YOU IF
YOU DON'T DO THE THING I JUST PROMISED YOU WOULD.
AND REMEMBER TRUMP'S PAYROLL TAX HOLIDAY, WELL HE PROMISED TO
EXTENDS IT UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS.
>> IF I'M VICTORIOUS ON NOVEMBER 3rd I PLAN TO FORGIVE THESE
TAXES AND MAKE PERMANENT CUTS TO THE PAYROLL TAX.
>> BUDDY, THAT IS A PRETTY SMALL CARROT.
>> GIVE ME ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF UNBELIEVABLE CORRUPTION AND
UNBRIDAL-- UNBRIDEELED DESTRUCTION OF ALL NORMS AND IF
YOU DO, FREE REFILLS ON YOUR SOFT DRINK OF CHOICE WITH
PURCHASE OF $10 OR MORE, BUT GO EASY ON THE ICE.
>> AMONG THE MANY PROBLEMS WITH TRUMP'S PAYROLL TAX HOLIDAY IS
THAT ENDING THE TAX COULD HAVE CATASTROPHIC FISCAL EFFECTS ON
PROGRAMS ESPECIALLY SOCIAL SECURITY.
BUT DON'T WORRY OLD PEOPLE, SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU WON'T BE
NEEDING THAT SOCIAL SECURITY.
COME TO MY RALLY.
LEAVE THE MASK AT HOME.
TRUMP'S SO CALLED EVICTION MORATORIUM IS REALLY MORE OF A
SUGGEST-ATORIUM, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF BANNING THE PRACTICE HE
INSTRUCTS KEA OFFICIALS OFFICIAL CONSIDER WHETHER THERE SHOULD BE
A BEEN ON HE VIKS.
CONSIDER?
THESE PEOPLE NEED TO BE RESCUED.
IT REMINDED ME OF THE CLASSIC FILM, CONSIDERING SAVING PRIVATE
RYAN.
TRUMP ANNOUNCED HIS EXECUTIVE ORDER AT HIS CLUB IN BEDMINSTER
WHERE HE ALSO ADDRESSED THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC, OR AT
LEAST HE TRIED TO.
>> WE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON SO HARD NAMELY THE CORONA, YOU CAN
CALL IT SO MANY DIFFERENT NAMES.
>> Stephen: DID HE JUST FORGET THE WORD VIRUS.
SIR, SIR, I'M JUST CHECKING YOU ARE OKAY.
JUST TO LET US KNOW.
COULD YOU PLEASE SAY THE WORD VIRUS.
>> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV.
>> Stephen: HE'S FINE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I WILL BE TALKING TO DR. JON LaPOOK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, BIG NEWS ABOUT THE DEMOCRATIC AND
REPUBLICAN CONVENTION, YEAH, WE'RE STILL HAVING THEM.
STICK AROUND.
♪