Good morning John, I am currently living in a hotel!
and will be for the next two weeks
But in order to celebrate the glory of how wonderful the world is
I'm going to tell you 50 more jokes in the next four minutes.
Three termites walk into a bar and say "Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
I think you would call that a stick.
What's the difference really between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
Oh, Billy, why did you eat your homework?
The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
What do vampire zombies say?
Veeeeeeins
How come a nose can never be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do punk rock pirates use to open doors?
An "Rrr" key
Why doesn't Julius Caesar ever use his cell phone?
Because he's DEAD!
Mickey Mouse is in divorce court, and the judge says "So you wanna divorce your wife because she's crazy,"
And Mickey says, "Umm no, I think what you heard me say is that she's *bleep*ing goofy."
How many 18-year-olds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, just two but you have to have a pretty big light bulb to, to fit 'em in there.
The calendar's days are numbered!
Did you know that Michael Jordan can jump higher than your house?
Yeah, my house can't jump at all.
Today, I changed a light bulb, and then I crossed the road, and then I walked into a bar,
and I realized that my entire life is a joke.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class the other day.
It was a weapon of math disruption.
They say celebrities die in threes. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson.
Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in the fourth for free.
Why did Mary Poppins have to buy tissues in bulk?
Because of the ♫ Supernewinfectiousstrainofchronicrunnynoses ♫
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
And then it hit me.
How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper?
Four: two in the front, two in the back.
How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper?
None, 'cause there's already all those elephants in there.
How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper?
Ah, same way you get to Wales in any other car; you get on the M4 and you go across the Severn Bridge.
How do you know that there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
You can see the footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there's two elephant in your refrigerator?
You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.
How do you if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
'cause you can't quite get the door closed.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
'cause there's a Mini Cooper parked outside.
What's gray, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face.
Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
Because if they were small, white, and hard they would be aspirin.
What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
Plums are purple.
What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
"Look! A herd of elephants coming over the hill!"
And what did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
"Look! A herd of plums coming over the hill!"
I maybe forgot to mention that Tarzan is color blind.
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Aah, poop?
Dr Dre.
If quizzes make you quizzical, what does a test make you?
Knock, Knock.
Who is there?
Ether. Ether who?
Ether Bunny.
Knock, Knock. Who's there?
Nother. Nother who?
'Nother ether bunny.
Knock Knock. Who is there?
Stella. Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.
Knock, knock. Who is there?
Cargo. Eh, cargo who?
Cargo beep beep, and run over all of those ether bunnies. Yay!
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?
OVER NINE THOUSAAAAA---
What did Beethoven and Mozart turn into when they died?
De-composers.
What is a chicken's favorite composer?
*Bach.*
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me, man, we'll go places.
What do you feed an invisible cat?
Evaporated milk.
Today, I was reading the newspaper and I saw this horrible study about all the dangers of drinking.
It scared the crap out of me, so that's it!
From this day forward, no more reading!
What did the wicked chicken lay?
A deviled egg.
Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed my pen! What do I do?
Use a pencil?
Ah, one. How many mind readers does it take to change a light bulb?
Wh--what? Wait a second.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Yeah, none. That's a--That's a hardware problem.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsssh.
What starts with f and ends with u-c-k and usually means excitement?
A firetruck!
What starts with p and ends with o-r-n?
Popcorn!
Fifty jokes in four minutes!
If you want more, there are two more of these videos. Links are here.
♫ I'm totally singing Charlie's song. I stole it from his truth or fail. ♫
♫ Do-de-do ♫