- Hey y'all welcome to another episode of Is This Okay.
Where we talk about things and ask the question,
Is This Okay.
We're talking about cheating.
And is it okay to cheat?
Chris have you ever been cheated on?
- I've been the other man before
and it was very traumatizing.
- But I feel that because I've also been made,
I've been in situations where I was the other woman
and like, you just kind of, you don't want to feel
like dirty it makes you feel dirty.
- Yeah, exactly I always felt dirty.
- And it's just like, I'm a consenting adult,
like I thought that we were both going into something
on the same terms and like clearly we weren't
and you kept that from me.
If you have to chose between her or me
then it was never meant to be.
- There's another saying, you're only as sick
as your secrets and I think like.
- [All] Oh.
- If you hang on to that shit and it eats at you.
- That's true.
- So you have two options right now.
(laughter)
- This might be like a bad time to say
that I have cheated before.
- So have I, - No judgments.
- Oh, no judgment, judgment free zone.
- [All] Yeah.
- Yeah it is.
- I'm not above it.
- I've been on all sides of the situation.
- [Woman] Yeah same.
- So I've cheated, I've been cheated on
and I've been the other man.
So I feel like,
- Confessions.
- Yeah, and I'm not even like,
I feel like cheating happens.
- [Woman] Yeah it does.
- That might be,
it happens, it happens to you, it happens with you,
it's like, it's inevitable, as a part of dating
and complicated shit.
Human beings wanna fuck, right?
And I just think like,
(laughter)
can I be real?
- [All] Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
- And we get into these like contractually binding
relationships without realizing that like four years
down the road you wanna fuck someone else
and then,
- But here's the thing I'm gonna add to that, I think
a lot of times we get with people
and we're not totally honest about what we want.
- Absolutely. - Yeah, yeah.
- Especially sexually.
- But don't you think it's because we don't even know
that it's okay to want those things.
- Yes and when, that gets into me with what I do
as a coach, as a dating coach I help empower singles
and so many singles, especially main stream America
have never been told it's okay to have like
to want things that are kind of kinky
or all these kind of things so then they go behind
their partners back, especially in like
long term relationships or marriages 'cause they don't
want to tell their partner - [Man] Right.
- Okay, if they'd maybe told their partner in pieces
and their partner's like ew, ew, and judging them
so they're like well I'm just gonna go cheat.
- Like there's emotional cheating, there's flirtation,
- Yeah.
- Is uncomfortable for some people so it's
this possessiveness and this jealousy, be honest with me
do you want to be in an open relationship,
we could talk about that, we can work that out,
which means that you're having sex with other people,
I don't care, carry on in other relationship that's my line
I don't want to have a whole other separate relationship
but that's for me, there's some people who wanna be poly
and have like, three, four, five relationships.
- I was just gonna say.
- And they can manage that, that shit seems
like a ponzi scheme to me.
(laughs)
- It seems like a whole lotta work.
(high pitched squeals)
- But that's the thing, there's no one style of relationship
so for you your boundary or your hard line, hard no,
was I can't be in a relationship with someone
who's having other relationships with someone.
- Right.
- For someone else that could be fine.
- Yeah.
- Some people might be like you can flirt with other people,
some people might be like, you can't flirt with anyone,
not even flirting.
- [Man] Yeah.
- You can't have female or male friends,
- [Man] Damn.
- I mean, so just, it's about having an agreement
with some people.
- That's ownership, - yeah.
- That's crazy, - See for me too.
- To me that seems abusive.
- For me too but this is the thing,
- That's like a borderline abusive relationship.
- But here's the thing we can't judge because
for if two people agree upon a certain amount
- [Man] Totally.
- It's like a contract right? - [Man] Yup.
- You agree to the same things if your, if those two people
or however many people are involved agree
then who are we to judge.
If that works for them great.
- [Man] Yeah.
- What is a problem and where cheating comes in
is when people aren't in agreement,
- [Man] Right.
- Or people are hiding things.
- I wonder if anyone, if it's like a hard line
cheating you're done.
- For me it's not a hard line, there needs
to be more of a conversation and then if
in that conversation we're on the same page,
we've listened there's respect there,
then I can move forward with that person.
If there was judgment or if I felt like that person
was just like nope, I'm sorry I can't deal with anything
you're talking about then that's when I'd probably end it.
- 'Cause I have been in a relationship where,
like my first love cheated on me multiple times
- [All] Mmmm.
- And it got to the point where I,
- [Man] Did you know before he told?
- No I end, I ended up finding out because I snooped,
I snooped, and I like had known previously that he had
done it before and it wasn't like,
it wasn't sexually cheating but it was emotionally
and so that still took a toll on me.
- Which do you think is worse?
- I think emotional.
- I think emotional. - Me too.
- Emotional is worse. - Yeah.
I haven't been cheated on but I have been made
into the other woman so for me I wanna say cheating
might be a deal breaker for me
only because I'm so open and direct and I'm like
all about conversation, I'm all about hearing your side
of things, trying to work through things
so to find out that you would then go do that.
- What if your person fucks somebody, meant nothing,
they were drunk and then they came to you,
like hat in hand and were like, I cheated, I fucked up.
- Hmm, (smacks lips)
(laughter)
- Real though, real.
- I would appreciate the openness.
- If I can be really honest, - Honest.
- I would honestly, I would rather just not know
like if it was a one
- [All] Wow, really.
- If it was a one time thing and it meant nothing to you
and it was an accident, I'd rather not know.
- [Man] But. - [Woman] Mmhmm.
- Because then, it's like you said, like, once the trust
is gone, - it's gone.
- I'm gonna be, you get crazy.
- Yup.
- Like, where are you, who you texting,
why you talking to her, whatever, I can't do that.
I'd just rather not know.
- The one relationship I haven't cheated on
has been this five year relationship I'm in which is
with my wife and I feel like the reasons I've cheated before
to give you an answer too, of like what was it
that kind of like, made me cheat, I felt like I wasn't being
emotionally fulfilled in some way.
- [All] Mmhmm.
- And I felt like there was something missing.
- [Woman] Yeah.
- Or that people didn't like me for who I was,
I was like fuck it, I'll go get my needs met
by someone who still thinks I'm shiny and new.
- And I think we get caught up in that especially
in American society, we, it's like things have to be forever
- Yeah.
- And if it isn't forever it's a failure
and then all these things and it's like no,
maybe they just ran it's course.
- Most people are like, oh you know I've been
with this person for five years,
I guess I owe them marriage,
Like no you don't.
- Yeah. - Like no you don't.
- No you don't. - That's stupid.
- It's craziness.
- I've got decade relationship that I was in I was like,
I don't wanna get married and I thought I didn't want
to get married period but then when I met my wife
I was like, oh I wanna spend the rest of my life
with this persona and I know because she loves me
unconditionally and I don't think I'd ever gotten
unconditional love before, like from my parents
or otherwise and I also give that kind of love to her.
I realize like, oh this is what you could work on
forever - [Woman] Oh.
- Because you accept each other.
- That's so sweet.
- That's amazing.
- Perfectly, you grown and change with each other.
You know what I'm saying?
- [Woman] That's amazing.
- You give us hope.
(laughter)
- We learn a lot about old (mumbles) tonight.
- A bunch of like rocky shitty relationships
up until the one that wasn't, you know what I mean?
- The thing I'd like to say is,
respect, know what your boundaries are,
to know what's cheating for you,
and if you feel like someone has overstepped your boundaries
be as honest as you can, with yourself and with that person
going forward, and again yeah, like all of you have said,
I mean, there's grey areas, it's not black and white,
so don't feel pressured to just make a decision
based on society or friends, or family,
it's your relationship and it's your decision
and act with respect to yourself and do what's gonna
light you up and make you happy 'cause that's really
the bottom line of all of this is that we should
bring people in our lives and live in relationships
that make us happy.
(light music)
(whooshes)
(squeaks)