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[Klepper] When you've been to as many rallies as I have,
you get used to hearing things
you don't encounter in every day life.
Like, "Go to hell," and "Klepper's a bitch."
But lately, the crowds have been coalescing
around one particular idea
that nobody wants to hear.
-Civil War. -Civil war.
Civil war.
The civil War,
our country's bitter attempt at divorce,
that ended with mom and dad
back together in a state of constant resentment.
43% of Americans think it's very likely
there's a civil war in the next decade.
Okay. I'm gonna be perfectly straight up and honest.
It's gonna happen much sooner than that.
How soon? Because I have an Airbnb
rented in the outer banks.
But it turns out a lot of Americans think this way.
And not just your uncle,
who has been hoarding weapons,
and Vienna sausages in his basement bunker.
Even sitting members of Congress,
like January 6th committee member, Adam Kinzinger.
How close are we to another civil war?
I think we're closer than we'd like to think.
And I used to be afraid to talk about it,
now I think it's important for us to talk about it.
To talk about a civil war?
Yeah. 'Cause I think we have to be aware of
where we're at.
I don't think it's gonna be north and south
with large marching armies.
You know, if I live in Illinois,
there's gonna be Republicans and Democrats in Illinois.
I do think it could get violent easily.
I mean, that's scary.
That is scary.
If a city and representative like Kinzinger
thinks a second civil war is possible,
it's something we need to take seriously.
So I decided to gather Americans
in one of our most sacred traditions of civic unity,
the corporate focus group,
bringing together conservatives,
and liberals in Purple Arizona,
who all think civil war is a real possibility.
The Civil War is tomorrow.
What is the skill set you bring to the battlefield?
Well, I'm good with a gun.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Okay. James?
I have survival skills.
I was in the military.
I know how to shoot a weapon.
Hand-to-hand combat if I have to.
I could stick you with a knife,
and not, you know, cry about it.
[laughs]
We're laughing about sticking people with a knife,
but, okay.
Lansing what skills?
-Leadership. -Leadership.
Yeah. I just feel there's gonna need to be some leaders.
Bo, what skills do you have?
Critical thinking.
Jesus. For all of the liberals here,
we have a leader, and a critical thinker.
This is why the blue side is [censored].
But if America was going to be divided in a civil war,
where would the modern day Mason Dixon line fall?
It was time for a state by state fantasy draft.
Well, nightmare draft.
We've terraformed the states
that have been red and blue,
to kind of create one land mass.
Who sees themself as conservative,
part of the red map here?
Are these the states you would want?
Oh, I much prefer the red states.
What breaks your heart?
-What are you gonna miss? -Well, Arizona.
Isn't that supposed to be a red state, though?
Yeah. Let's say we give you Arizona.
Where do you wanna travel to?
Well, I love California,
but it's turned into such a shit hole.
Let's be fair.
As a red state guy, the blue state has the best food.
-Oh yeah. -Right.
Bo, what would you miss?
Not a ton.
As a liberal,
you're feeling pretty good about the states you get.
Honestly, I feel alright.
We got Hawaii.
You do have Hawaii.
James, what are you missing?
You're gonna be in this red conglomerate, right?
The family's from back east in Ohio.
So, yeah, I mean, that would be...
You'd miss Ohio?
I wouldn't trade Cleveland for anything.
I'd trade Texas for California,
so I can go to San Diego.
Okay. Any other trades?
Texas for California.
Blue side, would you allow that trade?
I'll take Austin for Cleveland,
but I don't need all the Texas.
We'll doin' Austin for Cleveland?
I don't want Cleveland.
He's in Cleveland.
I want San Diego.
What will you give up for San Diego?
I would give up Florida.
No thanks.
There's no takers on Florida?
-No. -Okay.
So I guess the ocean can have Florida,
which is helpful, because it will probably take it anyway.
And now that we have our newly
divided states of America,
we get to draft some new constitutions.
And if there is a new America,
you're going to need new laws.
Are there any laws you would wanna change?
Get rid of the petty ones.
I mean, there's lots of petty laws out there.
I mean, if you pee in public,
I mean, you really gonna be
in the sex crime registry now
because you peed in public?
It's stupid. It's a crack in the system.
That's the first law that comes to head?
It's, you know, it's the petty laws.
You get put in the sex crimes registry
if you take a leak outside.
It's just pretty dumb.
That's just an example.
We just talked about a civil war
tearing this country in two,
you finally get your way,
-Well, you know, I mean- -and the first law
that jumps to mind, is peeing in public.
Does your side not have toilets?
With the vision of the new confederacy
already collapsing under the burden
of sewage infrastructure,
I thought it was time to cut to the chase,
and ask the biggest question of all.
Which side wins?
We all lose.
We all lose. Yeah.
There's no winning there.
What if one side loses,
and then refuses to concede?
Well, I don't know if I feel
any better about the future of America.
But for now, at least we still have elections.
In fact, check out my new half hour special,
where I dive into the mid-terms,
and ask the very important question.
Democracy, we still cool?
If you knew you got fewer votes,
you wouldn't concede?
-What does concede even mean. -Yeah.
-It means accepting loss. -No. Why?
Is democracy [censored]?
We can be [censored] tomorrow,
if the wrong thing happens.
You were there January 6th.
It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.
Birds chirping, police officers screaming.
No.
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