I can't believe I'm finally back.
I know.
It's been so long.
Did you miss me?
Of course, I missed you.
You look fantastic.
They didn't want to invite me, or what?
No.
Or was it the pandemic?
Because that's everyone's excuse for everything
now, the pandemic.
Yeah, that was the excuse.
But couldn't escape you.
I haven't seen you since Modern Family.
I know, since we had all of you on at the--
The group.
It was three years ago, right?
Was it?
Yeah, I think it was.
Do you not know when your show ended?
No, I don't want to think about it.
Yeah, well.
The show didn't end three years ago.
It ended a year and a half ago.
One year ago.
But I miss it, so I don't think about bad things.
Oh.
You miss me, so you don't think about bad things?
I miss you, but I miss Modern Family more.
OK, well, I miss you, and I'm glad to see you.
Thank you for being here.
No, thank you, thank you for having me.
I was so excited when they told me that you finally
had invited me.
Oh, my god.
You are welcome any time, you know that.
Let's talk about your doggie.
You got a dog, and it doesn't like you.
I don't have a dog.
Yeah.
It's not mine.
Joe has a dog.
It was a dog that would-- look at her.
Idiot.
It's a chihuahua?
It's an idiot?
It doesn't even look like a chihuahua.
It looks like it's some kind of teddy bear.
Look at them, look at them.
I don't even know why I live with them anymore.
Yeah.
So you got the dog.
It was for me.
Did you get it, or did Joe get it for you?
No, I got it for myself.
She arrived and completely ignored me,
went straight to him.
She has taken everything that was mine.
It's not a laughing thing.
It's horrible.
She has taken my husband, my bed.
She sleeps in bed with you?
Not with me, with Joe.
They sleep together, and I sleep there on the other side.
It has become something so weird.
But I have to say, it's her fault. It's not Joe's fault.
She's obsessed with him.
Yeah.
Well, he's easy to obsess over.
Yes, but not to that level.
She hates me.
If he has to go away for work or something, a meeting,
and she knows that she has to stay with me in the house,
she knows she has to deal with me,
but she won't do eye contact.
It's always looking out.
I put her here, and she always looking out.
Every little noise, every little thing.
The garage door is just--
she cannot enjoy the time with me, no.
I know I have to sit with you because you're the other person
here in this house.
But she hates me.
Yeah, I have that with my three dogs.
They prefer Portia.
All three of them?
All three.
So, yeah, I have the same situation.
Also, you must be worse than me.
I must be.
I think I'm pretty good to them, but they just really love her
more.
And it's frustrating because I feed them, too.
I do things.
So you know what?
I was thinking that maybe it's that I need to get another dog.
But it could happen that the next dog could fall in love
with him and not with me?
No, I think-- I was going to suggest that.
I think you should get another dog.
What's the dog's name?
BeBe?
Bubbles.
BoBo?
This one is Bubbles.
I was just making a name up.
We adopted her, and she came with that name.
We rescued her.
That was her name, Bubbles.
You can change it, you know.
Yes.
But how horrible to change someone
that is already six years old in dog years.
She was what, like, 50-something.
So change her name for no reason?
To put what kind of name, Taquito or Burrito?
It doesn't have to be Taquito or Burrito.
You could come up with anything other than Bubbles.
They will get used to it.
We rescued animals and changed their names.
Horrific.
It's not horrific.
Let's talk about you now.
Let's look at this picture and tell me when this happened
and what the hell you were doing.
Oh.
Oh, my god.
Yeah, well, I posted recently this picture.
And it's a mystery to me because what could I
have been doing in a shoe that big, first of all?
Well, it's a prop.
It's not really, it's not a shoe.
Let's make sure we know that.
It's just a prop.
What do you mean?
It's a high heel.
Yes, it's a-- OK, so.
What would have been the situation
that I decided this is a good idea to sit in a red bikini?
I was super hot at the time, though.
Yeah, yeah, you look good.
Yeah, so young and fresh.
You were modeling.
I was not modeling.
Well, then what were you do-- you're not
working at an office.
What are you, what are you doing?
I don't know.
I was doing something, but I don't really know.
And maybe people convinced me on doing things
that I didn't want to do.
I don't know.
How old were you there?
I must have been, like, 22, 23.
22.
Well, at that age, you'll do anything.
Well.
But I look great.
I dated men, so I know what you mean.
But you did model, so that must have been--
Well, yeah, I did some modeling.
It was more like spokeperson kind of thing.
But I didn't do fashion modeling or anything.
I must have been selling something there, for sure.
Maybe I was selling that big shoe.
You're probably selling one big shoe, yeah.
They were very popular.
It's a chair, I think.
So maybe, I don't know.
I'll find out somebody.
Would text me, I think, or Instagram me or something
and tell me what it is.
Because I cannot remember what was I doing.
OK.
What do you think I was doing?
I don't know.
I'm just going to--
It's a mystery, I'm telling you.
I know.
Do we have to go to break, Matt, or should I ask her
about eating all the time?
Well, first of all, I didn't know I was doing that.
I didn't know I had a problem until people started
posting pictures of me eating.
And then I started to realize.
It's like, what is wrong with me?
But you have to give it to me that I'm always
long hours on a set.
You get bored.
You get a little anxious.
And what else are you going to do?
But I have a technique that my makeup artists appreciate
because you open the mouth really wide,
and you don't mess up your lipstick.
So I know how to eat, and it doesn't mess up the lips.
It does look like you open your mouth very wide to eat.
Yeah, but it's not just for fun.
It's a practical, yeah.
And you put it in there, and then it doesn't--
the lipstick, perfect.
Do you let it dissolve, or do you chew?
No, I chew.
I'm not going to swallow a banana or swallow popcorn.
You can't.
You have to chew.
But once it's past the lips, you're fine, you're good to go.
Why don't you-- why don't they create
a plastic thing like a funnel, and you can just funnel it
into your mouth?
Yeah, I guess that could be.
But why do I need that if I know how
to do it perfectly without it?
That would be a waste of my money, and for what?
I know how to do it.
I can teach you, but we don't have anything here to eat.
We should have brought something.
I would have taught you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have some food we'll bring you,
and you can show me how to do it.
We'll take a break.
We'll find some food.
Get something large.
No, no.
Yeah.
Get something very large.
I want to learn how to do it because I don't
want to mess up my Chapstick.
Yeah.
We'll be back.
We're back with Sofia Vergara.
I'm going to win!
It is time to play-- there's no winning.
It's just a game.
It's time to play Burning Questions.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready to win.
OK, so you answer the question.
[DING]
And then you hit that for no apparent reason.
OK.
Tell us something Joe always makes fun of you for.
Joe always makes fun of my accent.
[DING]
All right.
Not angry, just hit it.
OK.
What is one thing that you've tried you'll never do again?
Alligators.
[DING]
What does that mean, alligators?
I ate an alligator.
Oh, you ate one.
Yes.
What did you say?
What was the question?
What did you do that you've tried?
I thought you meant tried like--
it could have been wrestling with an alligator.
I didn't know.
I thought you said something that I ate.
I tried.
It could be, it could be interpreted.
Well, this counts because I said it and I pushed the thing
right in the time.
Show us a hidden talent.
You have a hidden talent?
I have many hidden talents, I can do the sound, for example,
of a peacock.
[DING]
Let's hear the peacock.
The peacock?
Is that your talent?
You said peacock.
Oh, well, yeah, but it was because the show on ABC.
I just did that, and that's why I remember that.
But I'm going to do it right here right now?
I'd like to hear the peacock.
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
That's what they sound like.
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
Is that how you do it?
Well, in Colombia, the peacocks sound
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
Now, here, they're
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
Oh, yeah, it does that.
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
Is that the--
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
I think I'm very good at it.
You are good, but maybe you're like a small peacock.
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
How are we going to know who is better?
Who's going to say?
It's hard to say.
I think we both do.
Maybe you're doing a male peacock
because it's more aggressive, and I'm doing a female peacock.
Yeah, for sure.
But maybe it's just your farm.
You're doing your farm.
Mine is like an international peacock.
Oh, it's an international?
I see, all right.
[IMITATES PEACOCK SOUND]
All right, if Bubbles could talk,
what would she say to you?
Can you bleep me if I say a bad word?
Uh-huh.
Well, we don't have to bleep you.
You just mouthed it.
You didn't even say it.
Oh, OK.
[BLEEP]
Wow, what body part are you most proud of?
I mean, please, Ellen.
Oh, my god, I love you.
You have to say.
I know.
I have opened doors.
Oh, my god.
All right.
[MULTIPLE DINGS]
Oh, wait, I didn't do this.
No, you didn't get that one.
I didn't get it?
No, no.
Let's do it again, and then they edit or something.
All right, what is your favorite body part?
Please, Ellen.
[DING]
[MULTIPLE DINGS]
All right.