- You know whose balls I'd love to slam in a mailbox
(audience laughing)
for 20 minutes straight?
(audience laughing)
Grown men who board 6:00 AM flights
who have never seen clouds before.
I don't know
(audience laughing)
if you've ever had the good fortune
of boarding an early morning flight
where there's an unspoken agreement,
we're gonna keep it nice and dark
so we can rest along the journey,
but there's always some TikTok in 16C.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Yeah.
One guy who's sitting there who's like,
"Oh, I never seen a cloud like that.
(audience laughing)
Oh, there's another one right there."
(audience laughing)
Are you fucking four?
(audience laughing)
Shut the shade, tit slap, we're trying to get some rest.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Like I travel alone sometimes, you know,
and I'll put up with anything.
Like I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline.
You know, I don't wanna name an actual airline.
So let's just make one up. Let's call it like Delta Airline.
(audience laughing)
So I'll book a ticket on Delta Airlines
and I'll show up at the airport
and I go, "Can I get on the plane now please?"
And they go, "No, it's delayed nine hours."
(audience laughing)
And I go, "Okay," and then I go to the bathroom.
And then I come out of the bathroom and I go, "Any updates?"
And they go,
"Yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom
because we hate you.
(audience laughing)
Now take this meal voucher that doesn't work. Go, fetch."
(audience laughing)
And I go, "Okay."
And I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express
and I go, "Can I have a sandwich please?"
And they go, "No!"
(audience laughing)
And I go, "Okay."
And they go, "You're a little fat girl, aren't you?"
And I go, "No."
And they go, "Say it!"
And I go, "I'm a little fat girl."
(audience laughing)
And then I go over to the Delta help desk,
which is an oxymoron,
and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?"
And they go, "No.
In fact, we're gonna frame you for murder
(audience laughing)
and you're gonna go to jail for 30 years."
And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?"
And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines
and life is a fucking nightmare."
(audience laughing)
- It doesn't help that I'm a nervous flyer, I'll say that.
I didn't help. I'm a very nerve-wrack flyer.
I hate fucking flying.
I'm thinking about dying the whole time.
(audience laughing)
The entire trip, "I'm just like, I'm dead up here."
You know?
I think if you're not thinking about dying,
you're a psychopath.
I don't know anyone who's just up there,
like, "This is how God intended it."
You know, what the fuck?
It's like clearly we have no business up there.
We're watching ESPN. We're drinking.
Who the do we think we are?
(audience laughing)
So ballsy, chill out. You know?
This is delicate.
(audience laughing)
Then we like to give the illusion of safety
in case of an emergency.
Bitch, we're dead if there's an emergency.
This motherfucker's in the exit row
with his shoes off, drunk.
(audience laughing)
He's saving all of us?
He's the guy, he's the point man?
Fuck you, fuck you.
You don't give a shit about us.
I watched you give this man drinks.
(audience laughing)
Maybe don't serve drinks to the exit row n*ggas
or all the n*ggas.
(audience laughing)
Maybe they have to be sober.
(audience laughing)
You want me to feel safe in the skies? Kiss my ass.
(audience laughing)
And I think about death in a weird, like,
I don't think like how most...
I think most people think some regular ass shit, right?
They think like, "I don't know,
what if the pilot takes us into a mountain today
'cause he hates his life?
Or what if the engine fails?"
That's normal thoughts.
I think crazy, crazy shit.
I think like what if the company that makes the chemical,
that makes the doo-doo block...
Okay, so when you are on a plane
and you shit or you piss,
it don't just go to the birds baby, right?
You don't just flush it, it's in the sky.
No, it stays on the fucking plane like a camper
and there's a chemical in there
and it makes a gelatinous mess.
And when you land, they suck that shit out.
They put a new chemical in for your next flight.
I be thinking, what if the doo-doo block company, right,
the chemical company, what if they skimp on a chemical
just on some American green shit.
American companies are trash.
They're always doing this type of fuck shit,
cutting corners.
We know this. Cutting corners, doing funny shit.
We one of these companies like,
"Hey, you know what?
We're not buying boric acid this month.
We don't need fucking boric acid.
It's $30,000 a unit and it really doesn't do anything."
Then I'm in the sky, I take a shit,
the plane's half a pound heavier, boom, into a mountain.
(audience laughing)
- There was a fight on my airplane,
we couldn't even take off.
Someone got their ass kicked on the flight.
I mean, this is happening on a weekly basis.
(audience laughing)
Just do what you're told.
(audience laughing)
So where I grew up, just do what you're told.
What's with the lip?
(audience laughing)
If I'm on an airplane and four storm troopers
get on my plane with flak jackets on that say security
and they come right to my row and tell me,
"Hey, you're gonna have to get up."
I'm up!
(audience laughing)
I take my bag, my cup of coffee.
"I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry.
Do I just pick up my voucher here
and wait 14 days for the next flight?
That sounds totally fair to me.
Just don't kick my ass.
I am sorry I interrupted everybody's vacation.
Let me just make my way off the fuselage."
- Right now, I'm sitting back relaxing,
just waiting to see who's gonna sit next to me.
'Cause who sits next to you
plays a huge impact on your flight experience, right?
I get fucked immediately.
(audience laughing)
Dude, right behind me in the boarding process,
here comes two of the worst possible passengers
to sit next to.
Beside me in the middle seat is a three-year-old boy,
who, yeah, as soon as he sits down is on his 3-year-old...
(comedian mimics child wailing)
I'm just like,
"Man, I will cave this motherfucker's sternum in, okay?"
(audience laughing)
I bet it's still soft.
(audience laughing)
And I'm pissed off not at the crying.
Your baby crying on a plane actually doesn't even bother me.
I know you can't control that.
But what you can control is the physicality of your child.
'Cause for the rest of this 30 minute boarding process,
this kid would not get his hand
this far away from my face.
Just...
(comedian mimics child vocalizing)
And I'm doing all the polite things to get him away.
I'm like, "Okay, but, err!
Okay, all right, probably...
(audience laughing)
Probably enough of this now, right?
Somebody can break this up?"
I'm doing all the things to let the dad in the aisle seat
know this isn't okay, and he's not paying attention.
I was this close to leaning over to the dad and being like,
"Hey, you mind getting your sexy ass kid away from me?"
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I know that's gross,
but what do I gotta do to get your attention
to let you know this is inappropriate,
what's going on over here?
(audience laughing)
- So he goes and he brings me three
of those little airplane bottles of vodka
and a splash of soda.
And I said, "Game on."
(audience laughing)
So I drink that.
He comes back around, he says, "Do you want another?"
And I said, "Yes, please."
(audience laughing)
So he brings three more, no soda.
And I said, "We're doing it."
(audience laughing)
So I drink that.
He comes back around, he says, "Do you want another?"
And I said, "I don't know how to say no."
(audience laughing)
So he brings me three more.
If you nice people are counting along,
that is nine of those airplane bottles of vodka
on a four and a half hour red eye.
(audience laughing)
Everyone is sleeping, and I'm the drunkest I've ever been.
(audience laughing and applauding)
I was sitting in my seat and I was like,
"What if I roll around in the aisle?"
(audience laughing)
Imagine, I got up to lay down to roll in the aisle,
what would that call to ground control be?
"We gotta lay on this plane.
This big Black bitch won't sit down!"
(audience laughing)
But then I was like, "I know what I will do.
I will not roll in the aisle,
I will watch 'Back to the Future'."
(audience laughing)
So I watched "Back to the Future"
like I had never seen it before.
I was knee slapping and tee-hee-heeing.
(audience laughing)
I was three inches from the monitor.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Marty and Doc's age difference is pretty wild.
(audience laughing)
And is Lorraine ever okay?"
(audience laughing)
And then we land at JFK and it's 7:00 AM
and Shake Shack is open.
(audience laughing)
So I say out loud to no one, "Jesus loves his little baby."
(audience laughing)
- I don't wanna go to the bathroom at the airport,
but I don't have a choice.
Reason why I don't wanna go to the bathroom at the airport
is because I don't want people taking pictures of me
going to the bathroom or coming out, posting it.
#KevinHartStinkybutt. People play too much.
(audience laughing)
Social media shit has gotten outta hand.
But I can't hold it. I have to go.
I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport.
I'm in a bathroom stall, right?
Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up.
This is what it looks like, people.
No, for real, this is a life-size photo.
This is really what it looks like.
This is how small I am on the actual toilet.
(audience laughing)
I'm in the bathroom.
It's 6:30 in the morning. I'm by myself, by myself.
It's quiet.
It's just like this, quiet.
This is what I hear outta nowhere.
"Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man?
I wanna get a picture with you when you come out."
(audience laughing)
Immediately, I put my feet up. I did this right here.
(audience laughing)
I said, "If he can't see my feet, he'll go away."
He's like, "Come on, man. I saw your feet already.
I know you in there.
Just gimme a timeframe. How long you gonna be?"
(audience laughing)
"Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man."
(audience laughing)
"Come on, man. That's too long.
My flight leaving like 10 minutes.
Just pinch it, pinch it off for me."
(audience laughing)
"What the fuck? What? No, man.
Ain't nobody pinching nothing, man. Just get outta here."
"Kev, don't do me like that.
I'm your biggest fan, man. I support everything you do.
What would you do if you was me?"
"I would let me shit by myself, man. Just get outta here."
He said, "Kev, come on.
You know what, this is what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get my picture real quick.
I'm just gonna put my phone over the stall.
I'm gonna snap a picture real quick."
(audience laughing)
The fear that went through my body of looking up
and seeing a camera flash.
Oh my God, I was scared
because I didn't put toilet paper on the toilet seat.
I didn't have time.
I didn't want that picture to get out
'cause I didn't want my fan base to know
that I'd be raw-butting these toilet seats sometime.
(audience laughing)
I said, y'all gonna lose respect for me
if y'all find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats.
- It's the thing about Arabs,
you gotta come back with like 15 suitcases.
It's like this Arab protocol
that your mom sends like a telegram
or whatever they still send out each other.
I'm serious.
They send something, you just walk in
and your aunt's just packing everything for you.
Right? It's just terrible.
And there's this one thing, top of the list,
it's called (speaks in Arabic).
It's like spinach, but it's not spinach.
It's better than spinach, and Arabs love this stuff, okay?
And I walk in and my aunt is putting it
in clear plastic bags and then taping it.
I'm like...
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "This is...
What are you doing?
I'm gonna...
What are you doing?"
She's like, "I'm taping it so it stays fresh."
I was like, "Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
But it looks like weed, auntie! This is terrible!"
(audience laughing)
Straight up looks like bricks of marijuana.
I'm like, "This is not good for me, all right?"
She goes, "Don't worry, we'll pray for you.
You'll get there."
I was like... (audience laughing)
- When I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost, right?
Yeah, landed in the airport and bags were gone.
Didn't arrive.
I discovered this obviously at the carousel,
which is one of those shitty things that airlines do to you.
They know your bags are not coming.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, they know where your bag is every single moment.
But they don't tell you.
They let you stand there like an idiot
with hope in your heart.
(audience laughing)
They could literally come to your seat before you take off
and just be like, "It's not coming."
(audience laughing)
"Spoiler alert."
But they don't.
They let you take off with all that joy like an idiot.
Wee!
(audience laughing)
I landed in Paris.
I thought it was the beginning of a great trip.
I was skipping around.
I had my full luggage swag, and I was like,
"I'm gonna get my bags, go into Paris, start exploring."
Got to the carousel.
I was like, "Mm-mm, full luggage swag, that's right.
Let me get my luggage, everybody."
I was like, "Excuse me, excuse me. Make some space, please.
I would also like to lean over the carousel.
It makes the bags come quicker.
Come on. Lucky bag."
(audience laughing)
I had full luggage swag.
Bags started coming out.
I was standing there, judging them.
"(laughs) Who still uses Samsonite?
(Trevor laughs)
Ah, where's my bag?"
Bags going around, going around.
And then new bags stopped coming out. I started worrying.
And then at some point, there were fewer and fewer bags.
And I was like, "Oh, my bag, my bag's not coming."
(audience laughing)
And I realized my bag hadn't arrived, was terrible.
I had the same feeling, the same feeling I had as a child
when my mom would forget me at school.
(audience laughing)
The exact same feeling.
I was just standing at the carousel.
I felt like I was that kid, 10 years old again, just like...
(Trevor mimics child crying)
"No, Mr. Wilkinson, it's fine, you can go.
My mom's gonna come. Don't worry.
You can go home.
She's coming. She wouldn't forget me.
No, no, no, she's probably dead somewhere right now.
(audience laughing)
She's probably in a ditch, lying dead."
(audience laughing)
- So this white woman gets on the plane
(audience laughing)
and she sits, she sits next to me,
and first thing she do, slap the shade down.
(audience laughing)
You know, in my mind, I'm like,
"Ah, damn, now I got to deal with this bitch,
(audience laughing)
'cause the shade's going up."
(audience laughing)
So I'm like,
(audience laughing)
(comedian knocks microphone) (audience laughing)
"Excuse me, would you mind
raising the shade back up, please?"
And she looked at me and she said, "Why?"
And I said,
(audience laughing)
"Well, call it anxiety or whatever you want,
but I like to see the takeoff and the landing.
I mean, what if something's coming at us?"
(audience laughing)
And she said, "What are you gonna do if it is?"
(audience laughing)
And I said, "Well, I'm gonna know when to start screaming.
Now open the damn window."
And I reached over her and I opened that shade for her.
And she said, "Oh my God,
you're totally in my personal space."
And I said, "Bitch,
(audience laughing)
if you wanted motherfuckin' personal space,
you should've chartered a plane, hoe,
because everybody on this mothafucka
is in everybody else's goddamn personal space.
And if you don't motherfuckin' like it...
What? Oh.
(audience laughing)
She...
(audience laughing)
I..."
(audience laughing)
Apparently, it's a felony to go ham on a bitch on a plane,
even if the plane even took the fuck off yet or nothing.
(upbeat music)