>> GUTFELD:: HAPPY FRIDAY,
EVERYONE.
WOW, THAT WAS A GREAT
THANKSGIVING, HUH? LET’S WELCOME
TONIGHT’S GUESTS.
HE’S GOT THE HEART OF A
CONSERVATIVE AND THE HAIR OF A
SUPERVILLAIN.
FORMER ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL
MATT WHITAKER.
IF YOU PIS IS THIS VEGAN OFF,
SHERR WE’LL BAKE YOU INTO A
GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE, THIS IS
ANCHOR DAGUEN McDOWELL.
HIS ACT IS UNSUITABLE FOR
CHILDREN AND GROWN-UPS TOO.
COMEDIAN AND CO-HOST OF THE TIM
HORTON AND ROBIN SHOW ON SIRIUS
XM.
AND FINALLY, SHE’S STILL SLEEPY
FROM ALL OF THAT TURKEY SHE GRANG DRANK.
GRANG DRANK.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR, KAT.
BEFORE WE GET TO SOME NEWS
STORIES, IT’S FRIDAY YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT’S TIME FOR.
>> GREG’S LEFTOVERS.
MMM.
>> TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR LEFTOVERS
WHERE I READ THE JOKES WE DIDN’T
USE THIS WEEK.
AS ALWAYS, MY FIRST TIME READING
THESE, SO DON’T BLAME ME IF THEY
SUCK.
HERE WE GO.
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT NEARLY
HALF OF AMERICANS WILL AVOID
OTHERS TO PREVENT GETTING SICK
BEFORE GOING ON VACATION.
NEARLY ALL OF THEM SAY THEY GOT
THE IDEA TO HIDE BY WATCHING JOE
BIDEN’S 2020 CAMPAIGN.
RED MEAT.
OVER THE WEEKEND, BIDEN BECAME
THE FIRST EVER SITTING PRESIDENT
TO CELEBRATE HIS 80th BIRTHDAY.
VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS CELEBRATED
THE OCCASION BY GIFTING JOE A
BRACELET THAT READS, "DO NOT
RESUSCITATE." THAT WAS A GOOD
ONE.
THE AUDIENCE LIKES THAT.
AND ON MONDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN
CONTINUED THE THANKSGIVING
TRADITION BY PARDONING TWO
TURKEYS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
THE BIRDS WERE RELEASED TO
WASHINGTON, D.C. BEFORE THEY
WERE PROMPTLY MURDERED.
THAT’S FUNNY.
TWINS IN OREGON SET A NEW WORLD
RECORD FOR BABIES BORN FROM THE
OLDEST FROZEN EMBRYOS.
AT 29 YEARS, 10 MONTHS.
WHEN ASKED WHY THE EMBRYOS WERE
SO OLD, THE DOCTORS SAID THEY
WERE ACCIDENTALLY PLACED BEHIND
A STACK OF HUNGRY MAN DINNERS.
THAT’S TRUE.
MANHATTAN DA ALVIN BRAGG IS
RENEWING THE PROBE TO
PRESUMPTUOUS’S ALLEGED ROLE IN
THE STORMY DANIELS HUSHED MONEY
CASE, ARE YOU CRAZY? SO FAR,
INVESTIGATORS CLAIM IT’S THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE PAID STORMY
FIRST TIME SOMEONE PAID STORMY
TO KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT.
SHE’S A PORN STAR, I GUESS.
I WOULDN’T KNOW.
A NEW STUDY SAYS THE AVERAGE
PERSON THINKS THEY HAVE FIVE
PEOPLE THEY TRULY LEAN ON.
ON AVERAGE, IT’S THE SIXTH
PERSON WHO SAYS, WHO THE
[ BLEEP ].
ARE YOU AND STOP LEANING ON ME.
A WOMAN FROM IOWA, AREN’T THEY
ALL, NAMED BETSY HENDRICKS
CELEBRATING TURNING 115 YEARS
OLD LAST WEEK
SHE ATTRIBUTES HER LONG LIFE TO
HER FAMILY SUPPORT AND HER
INSPIRING CHILDHOOD BABYSITTER,
NANCY PELOSI.
SEE THAT? I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW
THIS.
POP STAR HARRY STYLES AND OLIVIA
WILDE ARE OFFICIALLY ENDING
THEIR RELATIONSHIP, OH LI YEAH
WAS SICK AND TIRED OF HARRY
HELPING HIMSELF TO HER BLOUSES.
PRIOR TO START OF THE WORLD CUP,
HOST COUNTRY QATAR ABRUPTLY
ANNOUNCED BEER SALES WOULD BE
BANNED INSIDE STADIUMS LEAVING
BUD WISER WITH A MASSIVE
SURPLUS.
IN RESPONSE, THE COMPANY CHANGED
THE SLOGAN TO THIS BUD’S FOR JU.
BECAUSE I GUESS, I DON’T KNOW --
I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN EXPLAIN
IT.
ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, 71%
OF DEMOCRATS BELIEVE PRESIDENT
BIDEN COULD WIN RE-ELECTION IN
2024.
THE REMAINING 29% WERE NOT ON
CRACK.
STARTUP LOW-COST CARRIER BREEZE
AIRWAYS BEGAN SERVICE THIS WEEK
WITH FARES AS LOW AS $29 ONE
WAY.
THEY’RE JUST LIKE A REGULAR
AIRLINE, EXCEPT THE CABIN ALWAYS
SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING IS
BURNING.
I DON’T GET IT.
AND FINALLY MORALE AT MSNBC IS
REPORTEDLY AT AN ALL-TIME LOW AS
THE NETWORK FACES AN IDENTITY
CRISIS.
IT’S SO LOW, IN FACT, THAT
THEY’RE CHANGING THEIR NAME TO
CNN.
[ APPLAUSE ]
WHAT IS THAT SOUND? A WEIRD
NOISE
ALL RIGHT, ON TO SOME NEWS.
THE CANDIDATE LIST OF WHO
REPUBLICANS MIGHT ENLIST.
THIS WEEK THE HILL NOTED SEVEN
REPUBLICAN CHALLENGERS WHO MIGHT
TAKE ON PRESUMPTUOUS IN 2024.
I HOPE THEY LIKE NICKNAMES.
YOU HAVE THE OBVIOUS LIKE RON
DESANTIS, GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA.
[ APPLAUSE ]
FORMER AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N.,
NIKKI HALEY
FORMER VP MIKE PENCE.
YOU CAN HEAR IT KEEPS GOING
FURTHER DOWN.
LIST ALSO INCLUDES FORMER
SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO. [ APPLAUSE ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
VIRGINIA GOVERNOR GLEN YOUNGKIN
AND OUR FAVORITE, MARYLAND
GOVERNOR LARRY HOGAN.
OH, ALSO, TEXAS SENATOR TED
KRUZ, FORGOT HIM.
[ APPLAUSE ]
SO, THERE’S SIX MEN AND ONE
WOMAN
WOW, LIKE A TYPICAL COLLEGE
WOMEN’S SWIM TEAM.
JIM, I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT
THANKSGIVING.
>> I’M STILL STUFFED WITH
TURKEY.
>> I BET.
DID YOU MAKE A SANDWICH IN THE
MORNING?
>> I DID.
I HAD LITTLE LEFTOVERS THIS
MORNING.
REALLY NICE.
MY GRANDMOTHER DIED ON
THANKSGIVING.
>> WAS IT THIS THANKSGIVING?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
YESTERDAY.
>> THAT’S A SHAME. RIGHT AT THE TABLE OR --
RIGHT AT THE TABLE OR --
>> YEAH, A POLITICAL ARGUMENT.
MOST PEOPLE DON’T KNOW YOU ABOUT
THIS, JIM.
BUT YOU’RE A MEGADONOR.
>> YES, I AM.
OR SPERM.
>> AND YOU DON’T EVEN GO TO THE
BANK.
>> NO, NOT AT ALL.
>> WHAT ARE YOUR SOURCES TELLING
YOU ABOUT 2024.
WHO ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR MUST BE
BEHIND?
>> I’LL BE HONEST.
I THINK WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN
IS BIDEN IS GOING TO WIN
RE-ELECTION.
THEY’RE NOT GOING TO NOMINATE
TRUMP.
RON DESANTIS IS GOING TO GET IT.
TRUMP WILL GO INDEPENDENT AND
ROSS PEROT THE WHOLE THING AND
BIDEN WILL WIN AGAIN. THAT’S
WHAT I THINK WILL HAPPEN.
>> GUTFELD:: YOU THINK TRUMP
WOULD DO THAT? YOU THINK HE
WOULD DO THAT?
>> YEP.
I WOULD, WHY NOT? HE’S 76.
HOW MANY MORE DOES HE HAVE TO GO
THROUGH? I WOULD DO THAT.
IF THEY DIDN’T NOMINATE ME, I
WOULD DO EVERYTHING I COULD TO
WRECK IT FOR EVERYBODY ELSE.
>> THAT TRULY IS THE AMERICAN
SPIRIT AFTER ALL.
>> PEOPLE WOULD STILL BLAME THE
LIBERTARIANS.
>> GUTFELD:: YES, EXACTLY.
>> EVERY TIME A REPUBLICAN
LOSES, IT’S BECAUSE THE
LIBERTARIANS DID VOTE FOR
LIBERTARIANS.
>> GUTFELD:: IT IS BECAUSE YOU
DID --
>> I DO.
MY VOTE WOULDN’T GO ANYWHERE
ELSE.
>> GUTFELD:: WHAT DO YOU MAKE
OF THE LINEUP?
>> YEAH, THE GOVERNOR OF
MARYLAND.
>> LARRY HOGAN?
>> YEAH, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT HIM YET.
>> GUTFELD:: HE’S THE GENERIC
REPUBLICAN.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
>> THE MEDIA IS LIKE, DESANTIS
IS WORSE THAN TRUMP.
TRUMP COULD NOT RUN AND IT WOULD
STILL BE WHAT THEY TALKED ABOUT.
LARRY HOGAN? I’M SHOCKED I
REMEMBERED HIS NAME.
>> GUTFELD:: I ALMOST SAID I
LOVE SOMEONE.
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN PERVERTED.
>> YOU SHOULD LOVE ALL GOD’S
CHILDREN.
>> GUTFELD:: I TRY.
I TRY.
>> WHAT?
>> GUTFELD:: I DON’T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF -- IT’S HARD
TO DO THIS SHOW ON A FRIDAY.
I’M TIRED, YOU KNOW? I ATE SO
MUCH.
>> GROUCHY.
>> GUTFELD:: GROUCHY.
WISH I HAD THE DAY OFF.
>> SINCE I’M SUPERFICIAL, I’LL
JUST TALK ABOUT THE
SUPERFICIALITY.
I NOTICED MARCO RUBIO IS NOT IN
THE GROUP.
PROBABLY BECAUSE HE STILL LOOKS
LIKE THE MOST OVEREAGER MEMBER
OF A FIFTH RATE POI BAND.
-- BOY BAND.
GLENN YOUNGKIN WITH HIS FLEECE
VEST KIND OF LOOKS LIKE, YEAH, I
LOVE THE ALMOND BROESHS.
-- BROTHERS.
BUT IF YOU LOOK REAL CLOSE, YOU
CAN SEE HIM LIKE WITH A SIFTER
LISTENING TO SOME BACH.
HE LOOKS HIGHFALUTIN.
>> YOU’RE GOING PURELY ON THE
SUPERFICIAL.
I WAS GOING TO GO, WHAT ABOUT
HIS ISSUES.
BUT YOU DID WARN ME.
>> PEOPLE DON’T VOTE ON ISSUES.
IT’S THAT YOU VOTE FOR WHO YOU
MIGHT BANG.
>> I’M NOT JOKING.
>> THAT HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO
ME.
>> BUT TED CRUZ? SO, BECAUSE,
AGAIN, HIGHFALUTIN IS BETTER
THAN TRYING TO LOOK RELATABLE.
BECAUSE TED CRUZ, SEVEN YEARS
AGO, HE WAS WEARING A FLEECE
SHIRT AND HE NEVER LOOKED LIKE HE COULD SPLIT WOOD OR EVEN
HE COULD SPLIT WOOD OR EVEN
START A CHAINSAW.
NOW HE LOOKS LIKE A WEEKEND
WIZARD AT THE RENAISSANCE FAIR
WITH THE FACIAL HAIR.
YOU CAN’T BE A WIZARD AND
PRESIDENT AT THE SAME TIME.
>> I WOULD LOVE TO BE A WIZARD.
HERE’S MY WIZARD, MAX --
>> YEAH, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
GUY IN THAT CHAIR.
SO, FIRST OF ALL --
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> GUTFELD:: YOU’RE A BASTARD.
>> I WANTED TO HELP YOU LIKE --
MATT.
FIRST OF ALL, YOUR GRAPHICS
DEPARTMENT LOVES SYMMETRY
BECAUSE CHRIS CHRISTI IS NOT ON
THAT LIST.
HE’S ON THE PICTURE.
IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO PUT
THEIR THUMB ON THE SCALE.
>> GUTFELD:: THAT’S RIGHT.
HE’S ON THERE.
HE’S NONON THE LIST.
>> SOMEONE ON THE STAFF IS A
HUGE CHRISTI GUY.
>> UP LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA.
>> THANK YOU FOR BEING A FACT
CHECKER, MATT.
>> GUTFELD:: YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS AN INTERESTING POINT,
MIKE POMPEO LOST A LOT OF
WEIGHT, RIGHT? YOU -- HE DID
THAT FOR A REASON.
>> DID YOU READ THE STORY? HE
WENT DOWN TO HIS BASEMENT FOR 30
MINUTES A DAY AND DID A LIT BIT
OF ELLIPTICAL AND LIFTED SOME
WEIGHTS.
IT’S AMAZING --
>> THAT’S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.
>> GUTFELD:: AL SHARPTON SAID
THAT AS WELL.
I NEVER BELIEVE IT.
IT’S ALWAYS DEPRESSION AND
COCAINE.
THAT’S WHAT HELPS THE WEIGHT
LOSS.
>> GREAT NEWS, THIS STARTS IN
THE HOME STATE OF IOWA.
IT’S EXCITING THAT ALL OF THESE
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO COME TO OUR
STATE.
BUT, AGAIN, DONALD TRUMP IS BY
FAR THE ALPHA MALE IN THAT
GROUP.
AND I THINK HE’S -- YOU KNOW,
HE’S GOING TO BE TOUGH TO BEAT.
AND THEY NEED TO START SHAKING
HANDS AND KISSING BABIES. >> GUTFELD:: YEAH, AND DON’T
>> GUTFELD:: YEAH, AND DON’T
GET THAT MIXED UP.
IT’S AGAINST THE LAW.
IT IS AGAINST THE LAW.