QUICK SURVEY FOR THE AUDIENCE: ANYBODY HERE.
WRITE LOVE LETTERS?
(CHEERING) LOVE LETTERS ARE IMPORTANT TO
ME.
WHEN I FIRST STARTED DATING MY WIFE, SHE LIVED IN NEW YORK AND
I LIVED IN CHICAGO AND WE WERE BOTH YOUNG ACTORS AND WE COULD
NOT AFFORD TO TALK ON THE PHONE AND THERE WAS NO INTERNET AT THE
TIME, SO WE WROTE EACH OTHER LOVE LETTERS.
I WROTE HER ALMOST EVERY DAY.
IT'S WHAT ALMOST MADE ME A WRITER.
I DIDN'T LIKE THE ACT OF WRITING, I THINK I WAS DYSLEXIC,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
BUT I KNOW I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH HER UNLESS I
WROTE HER EVERY DAY AND THAT TURNED ME INTO A WRITER.
NOW WE HAVE BOXES AND BOXES OF LOVE LETTERS THAT MY CHILDREN
WILL NEVER GET TO READ.
(LAUGHTER) UNTIL I AM OLD ENOUGH FOR IT TO
BE CUTE AND NOT CREEPY.
ANYWAY, SO I REALLY LIKE LOVE LETTERS.
I FOUND OUT THAT A LOVE LETTER WRITTEN BY JOHN F.
KENNEDY WENT UP FOR AUCTION TODAY.
IT SHOWS J.F.K. AT HIS MOST ROMANTIC, ONLY THE ONE SMALL
QUIBBLE IS HE WAS MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE AT THE TIME.
(LAUGHTER) WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE?
THE LETTER IS TO PAINTER AND SOCIALITE MARY PINCHOT MEYER,
WHO WAS A KENNEDY FAMILY FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.
(LAUGHTER) THE CONTENTS OF THE LETTER HAVE
BEEN RELEASED AND HERE'S WHAT IT SAID:
"WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE SUBURBIA FOR ONCE, COME AND SEE ME,
EITHER HERE OR AT THE CAPE NEXT WEEK OR IN BOSTON.
YOU SAY THAT IT IS GOOD FOR ME NOT TO GET WHAT I WANT.
AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME A MORE LOVING
ANSWER THAN THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY YES?" WHICH IS THE PRESIDENTIAL
EQUIVALENT OF "YOU UP?" (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) WE DO THESE THINGS NOT BECAUSE
THEY ARE EASY BUT BECAUSE I AM HARD.
(LAUGHTER) I APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE.
THE LETTER'S EXPECTED TO GO FOR AT LEAST $30,000, AND WHEN I
HEARD THAT, I DID WHAT ANY HISTORIAN WOULD DO --
GO UP TO MY ATTIC AND SEE IF I HAD ANY PRESIDENTIAL LOVE
LETTERS LYING AROUND.
TURNS OUT, I DID, AND I'M GOING TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU.
RIGHT NOW.
HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.
(APPLAUSE) THE FIRST ONE'S FROM OUR FIRST
PRESIDENT, GEORGE WASHINGTON, TO HIS FUTURE WIFE MARTHA.
HE WROTE, "MY DARLING MARTHA, I CANNOT TELL A LIE.
YOU'VE GOT AN BUTT LIKE A VIRGINIA HAM.
I'M GOING USE MY WOODEN TEETH TO TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT."
(LAUGHTER) KIND OF SWEET.
HE WAS THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY.
OKAY.
HERE'S ONE FROM ABRAHAM LINCOLN TO HIS FUTURE WIFE, MARY TODD.
"MY DEAREST MARY.
I YEARN FOR YOUR GENTLE KISS, YOUR SWEET CARESS.
I THINK THAT PROVES PRETTY DEFINITIVELY TO FUTURE
HISTORIANS THAT I LIKED WOMEN."
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
THERE ARE RUMORS.
THERE ARE STORIES.
WHICH IS FINE.
OKAY.
OH, HERE'S A VERY RARE LETTER FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON TO HIS
LOVER AND SLAVE, SALLY HEMMINGS.
"MY DEAREST SALLY, I AM YOURS.
I MEAN, TECHNICALLY YOU ARE MINE.
BUT WHO'S KEEPING TRACK."
(LAUGHTER) I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.
I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: IT'S A TRUE STORY.
IT'S HISTORY.
THIS ONE'S A LITTLE RACY, FROM WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT TO HIS LOVER
MARY BETH WHITESHAW.
"MY SWEET AND NAUGHTY GIRL: SITTING HERE NAKED IN MY BATH, I
CAN'T HELP BUT WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH ME, PREFERABLY WITH
SOME KIND OF CROWBAR, BECAUSE I'M STUCK AGAIN.
COME QUICKLY, MY LOVE."
(LAUGHTER) HE WAS A VERY LARGE MAN.
I WAS SO EXCITED TO FIND THIS ONE FROM THEODORE ROOSEVELT TO
HIS PARAMOUR.
"MY DARLING.
THE PRUDES AND PURITANS WILL SAY IT'S WRONG OF ME TO LOVE A
MOOSE, BUT YOUR ENGORGED DEWLAP INFLAMES MY--" LET'S JUST STOP
THERE.
IT GETS PRETTY -- THAT IS A GOOD LOOKING MOOSE, THOUGH, I'VE GOT
TO SAY.
THIS ONE'S FROM WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON, WHO DIED OF PNEUMONIA
A MERE 32 DAYS INTO HIS TERM, TO HIS MISTRESS AMANDA.
"MY TURTLEDOVE.
WORDS ARE WOEFULLY INADEQUATE TO EXPRESS... AND I'M DEAD!"
(LAUGHTER) FINALLY, FROM HARRY TRUMAN TO
HIS BELOVED WIFE BESS, IN THAT WONDERFULLY BLUNT MIDWESTERN
STYLE: "DEAR BESS.
I KNOW I SAID THE BUCK STOPS HERE.
BUT WHEN I GET HOME, WE'RE GOING TO BUCK ALL NIGHT LONG."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TRUE STORY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AMY RYAN.