Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I’m so glad you were able to come.’
With the 2nd instalment of the prematurely rebooted Spiderman franchise now out
we thought it was a good time to look at an earlier incarnation of the fabled webslinger
‘Spiderman? What kind of name is that?’
Although it got a limited cinematic release, 1977’s Spiderman, also known as the Amazing Spiderman,
was a made for TV film and pilot for a new series.
And it’s important to bear this in mind when judging it’s special effects,
so, set the bar of your expectations as low as possible...
and then watch the film limbo under it.
'Hey there goes Spiderman the frak that climbs walls'
This isn’t a budget thing or to do with the films age, it’s simple attention to detail
‘You’re going to have to prove it to me’
if Spidey is wearing a lycra suit
‘He wears a special costume’
maybe make an effort to hide the harness he’s wearing under it.
or at least make sure he takes his wallet out of his back pocket.
'I'm glad you're amused, I'm not.'
And if he’s walking up a wall on all fours try to make it look a little less like downward facing dog.
Now, if this level of manifest half arsedness were confined to FX and production design
that would merely be irritating.
‘I just can’t believe any of it’
Basially it’s an ethic that pervades the entire movie
'That's what you keep telling me.'
This is the least dramatic film ever!
'What difference does it make what he thinks.'
Here’s Peter finding out he can climb walls.
Well that’s interesting, best get back to work.
As only reporter in New York City!
‘Just another of life’s little mysteries’
Here’s Spiderman hiding from a pursuing car.
I’m sorry, did you fail to notice the man in the bright, primary coloured body stocking as he stepped into an doorway right in front of you?!
‘Are you on drugs?’
But nothing illustrates the lack of drama better than Spidey’s escalatingly difficult attempts to get into the bad guy’s HQ.
Who the hell arms their henchmen with sticks?!
Give them a proper sword or, oh I don’t know, a gun!
‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
If you’re a supervillain making budget cuts this is a dumb ass place to do it!
'I suppose so.'
Never the less spidey is driven away,
and returns.
These guys just hang around waiting for him, but this time they have a plan.
and he falls!
What the hell was that!
Again this isn’t a budget or technology issue, people have been filming scary falls since the dawn of cinema
and never have they been this wholly lacking in jeopardy!
‘I guess I can see your point of view’
Spidey makes one more attempt.
This should be an epic climactic fight!
‘Okay fellas, enough’s enough, I reversed the mirowaves so let’s be buddies’
Are you kidding me?!
‘It’s not funny’
On top of this we never learn enough about Peter to give a shit.
‘I’m just fine sir how are you’
the love story is perfunctory.
‘What is he talking about?’
and the bad guy is unthreatening.
'You deserve to be the miserable fools you are because you will never be happy.'
All that having been said I’d still rather watch than the digital effects being vomited onto the screen now.
‘I'm going. Nobody’s forcing you’
So maybe we’ll come back and do that in a few years and you can see what I’m like when I’m really angry.
And you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
‘I don't understand what you mean.'
What do you mean the wrong character, I think it’s a good sign off line.
‘Class dismissed’
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