Good fighting games revolve around the deadly blows you can administer to your opponents.
But there is one game that is more gruesome, more abominable than any other.
I am of course talking about
MORTAL KOMBAT.
*baDUMbaDUMbaDUMbaDUMbadayDUM*
*baDUMbaDUMbaDUMbaDUMbanaNUM*
*baDUMbaDUMbaDUMbaDUMbaDAHDA*
*DRSCH TSCH T...*
There's Red Bull in this mug.
HIYA!
Seeing these kombatants rip spines from torsos,
pop eyeballs from heads,
and pull organs from pretty much everywhere
leaves me excited, energetic, and can I be honest with you?
A little bit distraught, okay?
These fighters are brought into the tournament to kill,
but outside of this, they must live normal lives.
I can only imagine that these bodies, so perfectly molded for murder,
could use those powerful muscles for a different purpose:
cuddling me when I’m worried about all that murder they’re doing.
And that leads us to a very important question:
Which of these Mortal Kombatants is best at Mortal Komfort.
MORTAL KOMFORT!
*another great rendition of the Mortal Kombat theme song*
*sipping a lot of Red Bull*
OH I'M READY TO GO!
Let’s get in to our cuddler assessment. But first...
What makes a good cuddler?
Scientists have spent decades researching the “cuddle,” defined as a comforting technique wherein
two or more bodies are placed in close proximity.
Rigorous tests were performed to investigate what makes a good cuddle.
Test subjects were given a sleepy time tea and a controlled outfit
known for maximum cuddling efficiency: a pair of oversized basketball shorts
and a t-shirt that you got from a mandatory team-building event.
A variety of cuddle criteria was examined:
Wingspan. Scent. Temperature. And moisture level.
But researchers concluded that the two most important criteria were emotional availability and physical risk.
By focusing on these two axes, cuddle professionals are able to hone their craft, moving closer and
closer to the bullseye. This shows a willingness to be emotionally available without becoming
dependent, and the ability to experiment within the cuddle space without entering dangerous territory.
This is the cuddler’s zenith, and it’s what cuddle scientists strive to achieve.
This is the final criteria we will be using to rate our kombatants. But before
we get into that, we have a few special eliminations. We're cutting out all of the DLC movie monsters,
because they're not original Mortal Kombat characters. Also, we're only going to be talking
about playable characters, because we all know that a good cuddler must be an active participant.
We're also going to be cutting the basics. Now these characters are boring
or they just don't pass my personal test. I just didn't want to include them, alright?
Like, I don't have to explain everything to you.
I'm going through my rebellious phase.
Can I say that?
Darrius, boring. Havik, Hsu Hao, Hotaru, no... taru. Jade, Jarek.
Dairou did some jail time, was a mercenary, lost his family.
*EYE ROLL*
This is the Mortal Kombat equivalent of saying, "Oh, I like traveling, and my favorite show's The Office."
Kai, Khamelon, Kan't remember anything that they do in any of the games. Li Mei seems nice, whatever.
Shujinko had Mortal Kombat: Deception named after him getting hoodwinked into reviving
a banished god, so he's a dumbass. Reiko, another boring muscle dude.
Kintaro, get out of here shitty Goro.
Mavado, owns a trench coat. Daegon was put into incubation and guarded by two dragons.
Which is a long way of saying he just took a nap, he's not tired, doesn't want to cuddle right now.
Sonya was one of the first women in Mortal Kombat which means
she unfortunately has a whole personality that is just "woman."
*Also she's a Sandy Hook truther.*
Tanya's got nice bangs. Not enough. Mokap. Sareena, I couldn't even think of a joke.
Taven is the son of a god, but he looks like he could be the bassist in a Creed cover band.
Now that we’ve chased away the riff raff, it's time to get into
the fun cuddlers. Now on this diagram, we obviously wan't to aim for the bullseye, but
there are four outlier classes that exemplify the four extremes of the emotional availability
to risk relationship. They might be your tastes, but they are not the ideal.
Let us start with the Body Pillows. Low emotional availability and low risk.
They are about as safe as they are uninteresting.
Starting with Chameleon, a transparent ninja who is obsessed with going
unnoticed. If you can’t tell if he’s there, that’s a bad cuddle.
Cyrax is a ninja who was unwillingly turned into a robot. Which means that he will cuddle the way you ask
him to cuddle, but he won’t take the initiative to run his fingers through your hair on his own.
Geras is a stoic henchman. This is his idle pose. When he cuddles you, it’s just that but sideways.
Kitana is 10,000 years old which means that she'll spend the entire
cuddling session just telling you about cool Facebook posts she saw.
Quan Chi is just a clammy little wizard.
A Caillou looking motherfucker.
Shinnok is just Quan chi in a Disney World Maleficent hat.
And finally, Kronika. Now, technically, she’s not a playable character
just yet, but I figured I’d include her 'cause she’s a total control freak, trying
to create the perfect timeline. Now this means you will eventually have a good cuddle with
her, it's just gonna take, like, 10,000 iterations to get there.
Next up, the Michael Ceras.
These cuddlers come with high emotional availability and little to no risk.
They're your high school boyfriend.They are constantly asking if you’re comfy,
ready to tell you they love you on the second date,
and always sending you pictures of flowers that they say are "nearly as beautiful as you."
Ashrah is a Netherrealm demon, which doesn’t mean that she’s evil!
In fact, she's dedicated to purifying her soul. While it’s nice that she looks like a pile of
fresh linen, she's not going to challenge you at all.
Erron Black is a tough talking cowboy will dote on you way too much.
Yes, I know my hair smells great. I’m trying to sleep.
Johnny Cage has big divorced dad energy.
He will take selfies of your cuddling sessions,
and he will post them with the hashtag #secondchances.
Kollector. This six-armed weirdo is going to steal trinkets and treasures just to win your favor.
Look man, I've got enough Funko Pops.
Kung Lao is a descendent of a person called the “great” Kung Lao,
and it’s very hard to cuddle with someone when there's an inferiority complex between you.
Rain is a needy little exiled prince. He's gonna spend the whole cuddle session
talking about how soft his royal mattress was. Sorry Rain, not all of us can go into
Ikea and ask for the Espevar. Some of us gotta settle for the Hasvag.
Shang Tsung's favorite catch phrase is, “Your soul is mine.” So he’s a big-time codependent.
Sindel sacrificed herself to seal away Earthrealm and protect it from invasion. Which is a really nice gesture,
but, like, have some self-respect. She's probably the kind of person who, if you said she was
too warm would be like, "Oh, I'll go sleep on the floor."
Smoke has spent most of his Mortal Kombat career being manipulated into people’s henchmen,
which means he's a big pushover. Also, he's just a living cloud
so he’s probably only as dangerous as whatever non-FDA juice you’ve put in your vape rig.
And perhaps the epitome of high school boyfriend...
it's Liu Kang.
A major himbo with a “nice jock” energy.
This dude is as soft as his beautiful, downy hair.
Next up, it's the cuddlers with low emotional availability and high risk.
These cuddle warriors will expose you to sensations you could have never imagined,
but they are entirely in it for themselves.
Baraka is up here because he's got spikes on him and a lot of teeth.
But more frightening is his undying devotion to his master.
Imagine cuddling with someone who doesn't shut up about how much they love their boss.
Noob Saibot was the original Sub-Zero turned creepy shadow man.
He's an absolute bastard, and there's no way I want to cuddle with my sleep paralysis monster.
D’Vorah is an insect lady who's only loyal to the hive.
And if you're cuddling with her, and you've got holes somewhere on your body...
she will put bugs in them.
Drahmin is a cruel, cudgel-handed man who was turned
into a demon after being tortured in hell for a very long time.
Which is probably why he never wants to be the big spoon.
Ermacis collection of dead warrior souls, so he’s the rare case where two is a crowd.
Ferra & Tor are a true codependent relationship.
They say they’re looking for a third, but don’t trust them.
Frost is a robotic ice ninja. And while her rotating torso offers some interesting possibilities...
she's incredibly cold. You knew I was gonna make that joke, right?
Kira. Steer clear of this knife pervert.
Kano. Literally, what did I just say about knives?
Also, can I be real with you?
He pees too much!
Kobra is a sociopath MMA bro who will absolutely put you in a rear naked choke
if you give up your back.
Mileena will eat you.
And eating in bed is a very bad habit.
Moloch insists on bringing a big metal ball wherever he goes. Also, he takes pleasure
in the pain and suffering of others, which means that when your arm falls asleep, he's not
gonna move, he's gonna think it's funny.
Shao Kahn is sadistic, incredibly powerful,
and just covered head to toe in baby oil.
Motaro is another warlord jerk, but he’s mostly
disqualified 'cause the bottom half of him is a horse,
and horses are terrifying.
Nitara is a vampire and only cuddles upside-down hanging from the ceiling.
And then there's the guano.
Onaga.
Too big, too mean,
too many hooves!
Raiden is a boring old fuck with lightning
arcing off his body and a galaxy brain take on everything.
Reptile is responsible for the “genocide of several other species,”
and he also doesn’t moisturize.
And one of those has got to be a dealbreaker.
Tremor is a criminal dirt ninja who will fill your bed with pebbles.
If Skarlet spent as much time in therapy as she does finding new ways
to turn blood into knives, she wouldn’t be in this category.
Stryker. ACABAC.
All cops are bad at cuddling.
Triborg is every malicious Mortal Kombat ninja crammed into one dumb-looking gaming PC.
Triborg...
more like Tri-hard.
*exasperated laughing*
The Red Bull's wearing off.
Finally, Meat.
He is in unimaginable pain and he will dampen your sheets.
Do not attempt to cuddle this skinless meat man.
And our final outliers,
the Scissorhands.
These cuddlers are desperate for love and affection that they cannot receive
thanks to their hazardous bods.
We don’t know much about Blaze. I choose to believe that he’s pretty nice.
But he is also completely on fire.
Cetrion is very crunchy. A total empath,
but she does insist on cuddling with her full crystal collection.
Goro is technically a bad guy, but I get the feeling that he just does whatever anyone tells him to do.
And I choose to believe he's very kind and doesn't know his own strength.
And all the people he's murdered up to this point has just been an accident.
Kabal has changed sides more than anyone else in the Mortal Kombat universe,
which means he might be too emotionally available.
Also, he insists on sleeping with the mask on because he read one time that everyone
eats 100 spiders every year. Uh, he's very gullible.
Sub-Zero.
You know that thing where someone thinks it’s funny to put their cold hands on you?
Sektor willingly became a literal killing machine.
So it's like if you were trying to cuddle a gun that constantly needs validation.
Jax is a perfect Scissorhands. He’s kind, loving, eager to please,
but imagine if I replaced your favorite teddy bear's arms with aluminum baseball bats.
And finally, Bo’ Rai Cho.
Warning.
He is a fart man.
Now that our outliers are scouted and eliminated,
we’re just left with the ideal candidates.
Cassie Cage belongs to a subcategory I like to call the “emotionally intelligent millennials.”
They're the younger crop of Mortal Kombat heroes that are less edgy and violent.
But they also have fewer interesting abilities that really shake up the cuddling game.
Takeda Takehashi, Jacqui, and Kung Jin all belong in this category.
These four candidates would be great cuddlers in any world that isn't
the topsy turvy world of Mortal Kombat.
A world that has more to offer.
Take Kenshi,
a loving father and calming presence. Imagine you’re cuddled up with him, but you need
a drink, and your water bottle is on the other side of the room. Do you get up?
Ruin the cuddle? No way!
Telekinesis, baby!
There is also Night Wolf who is chill, disciplined,
and can turn into a dog.
He also can “completely purify a being of their sins over time."
So why spend hours of time in therapy confronting your flaws...
when you could just touch this dog man!
Kotal Kahn looks like a lot of the other big muscle jerks, but he doesn't come
with any of the hangups. He's the emperor of Outworld,
and he's dedicated to ending their imperialist conquests.
Talk about a woke bae!
*Pat laughing offscreen*
Pat: It's just a horrible phrase, I'm sorry for writing it.
Scorpion takes the initiative.
You had a rough day at work?
Get over here!
Sheeva.
Got four strong arms to hold you...
One strong heart to love you.
That's the name of my new album.
But when it comes down to it, the best Mortal Kuddler has to be Fujin.
A wise old god who can control the wind.
Imagine a cuddle session with PERFECT VENTILATION.
Moisture management is the hardest part of cuddling.
And this dude can wick away every drop of sweat.
The other side of the pillow WISHES it was as cool as Fujin.
The wind that can rip a man’s skin away could also be used to ventilate.
The flame that scorches flesh can warm a soul.
And the hand that rips out a heart, could also cradle that heart with love.
So for you and the Mortal Kombatants, I ask...
Next time you want to test your might,
how about you rest your might?
*dun dun dun dun doo DUN*
*it's like a softer lullaby version of the Mortal Kombat theme song*
*ooh boy there I go*
*I don't know why that table was leaning up on the wall*
MORTAL KOMFORT!
*DUN DUN DUN DUN DA DAH*
*Mortal Kombat theme keeps playing*
How can I be more dangerous?
What is danger?
*slapping noises*
How bout, how bout it's just me turning around...
Pat: And you've got scissors?
*laughing*
Pat: What have you got?