-Our next guest is on his world tour
Laughs Funny until December 2025.
He has a comedy special, "Natural Born Killer,"
streaming now on Netflix.
Please welcome the very funny Jimmy Carr.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you. Hey!
Thank you. Please. Please.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much. It's very kind of you. Thank you.
Please take a seat. I have jokes.
I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.
Well, I say that -- toaster.
[ Laughter ]
She was shocked.
[ Laughter ]
I was in Hong Kong.
Their Chinatown is bloody massive.
[ Laughter ]
They say one man in 10 is gay,
but surely one man in just one man is pretty gay.
[ Laughter ]
Hey?
[ Applause ]
One man in 10 is showboating, huh?
[ Laughter ]
Last year, I lost my father to dementia.
I guess we could have stuck around for longer
to look for him, but whatever.
[ Light laughter, groaning ]
That's a perfect joke. Anyone offended won't remember.
[ Laughter ]
My girlfriend likes to be tied up. Huh?
But it turns out really scared of railway tracks.
[ Laughter ]
She put me on the spot recently.
She said, "What are my 10 best features?"
I said, "I like your optimism."
[ Laughter ]
10? Please.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm British, obviously.
So there are subtle differences in the way
that we use the English language.
I would say trousers. You would say pants.
I would say pavement. You would say sidewalk.
I would say, "I'm unarmed. Don't shoot."
You would say, "Oops."
[ Laughter ]
Subtle.
So in America, the Supreme Court are stopping
women from aborting fetuses.
They don't feel, they've got hearts, they're brainless.
Yet somehow the Supreme Court are still in charge.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Now, lots of famous people give their kids unusual names
and live to regret it.
Now, some people think my boy's name is somewhat unusual,
but then they see his little face
and he does just look like an Adolf.
[ Audience groans ]
They're just jokes. Well, that one wasn't.
But most of them are jokes. [ Laughter ]
We're having a gender reveal for our kid,
but we're going to wait until it's 21.
We want to be sure.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
I have two kids now.
Couldn't pick a favorite -- little Jimmy and the other one.
[ Laughter ]
If your parents told you they didn't have a favorite,
all it means is you weren't it.
[ Laughter ]
People that get freaked out by breastfeeding in public,
they're idiots, right? -Yeah.
-Yeah. Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty.
[ Laughter ]
Being a dad is amazing. You -- You should try, ladies.
[ Light laughter ]
It's like being a mum with none of the responsibility.
[ Applause ]
Huh? We know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Being a mum is a full-time job.
Being a dad is a lovely hobby.
[ Laughter ]
And I realize that is disrespectful
to stay-at-home dads.
But seriously, what are those pussies going to do?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Have we got any stay-at-home dads in?
Of course not. They're at home.
[ Laughter ]
My son walked in on me having sex and freaked out.
He said, "Are you trying to hurt Mummy?"
I said, "Well, of course not."
He said, "Well, then you better not let her catch
you with the nanny."
[ Audience groaning ]
[ Laughs ]
The woke nonsense, it's gone too far, hasn't it?
In Great Britain now, we even have a male queen.
[ Laughter ]
You can't go around apologizing for jokes.
They're jokes. So I've got a plan.
The next time I get canceled,
the next time I upset people with a joke,
I'm going to come out on the day of the cancellation,
I'm going to make a public statement.
I've rehearsed this. I'm going to say "I'm sorry."
[ Laughter ]
And the people that are offended will say,
"You don't really mean that apology."
And I'll say, "So you're saying I could say
something and not mean it?
Now you're getting it."
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's my time. Thank you very much indeed,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You made me nervous.
That's how you do it! Jimmy Carr!
"Natural Born Killer" is streaming now on Netflix.
We'll be right back, everybody.