[INTRO]
BARBARA DUNKLEMAN: Hello, everyone. Welcome to a very blonde edition of Million Dollars, But.
I am Barbara Dunkleman and today,
I am joined by Miss Ashley Jenkins and Miss Elyse Willems.
- What up girlfriends?
- Hey!
- Well Ashley,
since you are blonde number two, would you like to start us off?
- Alright. So, a million dollars...
...but for the next year you will be followed
24/7 by the world's worst
Mariachi band at all hours of the day.
[LAUGHS]
- They're three steps behind you when you go to the bathroom.
[LAUGHS]
Also sleeping.
BARBARA: So it's just like soft maracas outside your window?
ASHLEY: Outside your window? Next to your bed.
BARBARA: Oh no. ELYSE: Oh so...
ASHLEY: What happens, like, when you...
...settle down for some sexy time.
ELYSE: You drop your robe and then the trombone just-
- like *catcalls*
BARBARA: But - I don't even know any single instrument.
Maybe try to lose 'em, you know?
ASHLEY: They're running after you.
Run down an alley. They're all coming behind playing full blast.
ELYSE: Or you become a thrill seeker,
and you start doing, like, high adrenaline sports and stuff and see how far the Mariachi band will follow you.
- Ooh.
ASHLEY: Imagine skydiving,
and there's a band just (incoherent).
- Push them to their limits, that's what I'm saying.
- Yeah, I don't know if I could take it.
- I think I'm in. I think I'm in.
- I'm in.
- Million dollars, but...
...from now on,
anytime you see someone carrying something that's not living...
... you need to smack it out of their hands.
You're at a buffet, someone carrying a plate of food?
You come over -- whack.
You're breaking everything.
ASHLEY: You go out to a bar.
You walk up to an entire group of people and just slap them all out of their hands.
BARBARA: I'm just thinking about, like, Christmas morning.
Every kid, like, picking up a present, shaking it like:
"Look what I got!"
And like, "No!"
What if someone's carrying the antidote to some poison with them?
ELYSE: There's somebody that comes running down the hallway like:
"I found it -- the cure!"
BARBARA: Yeah. And then you ruin that person's life forever, yeah.
I don't think I would do this one.
Would you take the money?
- Absolutely. And a million bucks?
ELYSE: Yeah, I'm out.
Sorry Ashley, but enjoy the mil'.
- That's fine. A million for me.
- Million dollars, but...
...for the next four years of the presidency, you'd make all of Donald Trump's tweets.
You're not conceiving of them, but he dictates them to you.
And then you have to type them out, and hit send on Twitter.
BARBARA: Oh God.
ASHLEY: Here's the thing --
-- most of his tweets take place at like, 3:00 in the morning.
ELYSE: Yeah.
I mean, maybe, sometimes you hear a ladder come up to the side of your bedroom window.
He's climbing up to your bedroom, Skeet Ulrich 'Scream' style.
BARBARA: Do you see the little hands before you see him?
ELYSE: His tiny, little hands.
He's trying to pry open that window.
He doesn't have the hand strength.
So he's trying to get in there.
He needs to make this tweet right now.
ASHLEY: Do you have a separate cell phone?
BARBARA: I like to think it's just one of your accounts on your phone.
ASHLEY: And you accidentally tweet from your account?
BARBARA: You're like: "Make-up on point today."
"F-f-f-fuck."
So...
...one of the places you tweet the most --
or at least for me --
is on the toilet.
In the middle of a shit,
Donald Trump's gonna be like:
"I have something I need to say."
ELYSE: He'll be on the toilet and then he'll have a tweet toilet next to him for you.
BARBARA: Could you also shit at the same time as him?
ELYSE: He's going to make you.
ASHLEY: You're going to be hanging out with him.
You have to, like, go in the jacuzzi with Kim and Putin.
Immediately, thinks of a tweet:
"Alright, here's one for the storybooks."
ELYSE: And then Putin's says:
"Ahh, Donald, I might steal that one. That is a good tweet!"
And then he gets out his phone and then you gotta race him.
ASHLEY: But he can't fire you.
ELYSE: He can't --
Well.
He loves to fire people, but he can't.
ASHLEY: So, I can do a terrible job at transcribing?
He can't fire me for four years and I get a million bucks out of it.
ELYSE: It's a million dollars, but...
...over the next four years of Donald Trump's presidency,
you have to type out and submit all the tweets he dictates to you.
- I don't think I can do this.
That's four years of my life gone.
ELYSE: I personally wouldn't do it.
- I'm in. I'll do it by myself.
- You're braver than I am.
BARBARA: Thank you everyone for watching this episode of 'Million Dollars, But...'
Make sure you like this video and subscribe to our channel for more.
And go grab the 'Million Dollars, But...' card game at MDBGame.com.
Thanks guys joining me today