- All right, I'm back with divorce lawyer
and author of, "If You're In My Office,
It's Already Too Late."
It's my buddy, James Sexton.
And
(audience cheers)
we're tackling relationship questions in the audience.
Francisco has a question about infidelity.
Francisco, what's going on?
(audience applauds)
- Hey, Steve. Hey, James. - [James] Hey, Francisco.
- Thanks for taking my question.
- [James] Sure.
- So I'm 36.
I've been dating a girl for the past four years.
I was getting ready to pop the question,
and then something big happened.
I found out she was cheating on me.
(audience oohs)
A friend of ours saw her leaving a bar with another guy,
and it got back to me.
Of course, I confronted her about it.
She admitted it.
She said she was really sorry and that it was a mistake,
that she loves me, and that it's never gonna happen again.
Look, I love her, and I wanna believe her,
but I don't wanna be made out a fool.
I mean, I'm sure you've seen cheating
in the office all the time.
Any advice?
- Yeah, I mean, you know,
the first thing I'd say to you is that I'm sorry.
Like, that's hard.
You know, that's the hardest thing there is.
And there's a lot of kinds of cheating.
I talk about that in my book,
that there's different types of cheating,
different types of affairs.
The kind you're talking about is what I call the mistake,
which is the person comes to you and they say,
or they get caught,
and they say, "You know, I made a mistake.
I love you.
I'm sorry this happened.
I wanna stay with you.
I wanna make it work."
And in some ways,
that's a little easier
than when the person comes to you and says,
"I've met someone, I'm in love with them, and I'm leaving."
Okay, because that's just crushing to be told that,
you know, this person just,
I love someone more than I love you.
But in some ways it's a lot harder
because now you have to decide a fundamental question.
And here's the question.
Can you take the same ingredients
and cook something different with it?
Okay.
The odds are really against you, okay.
You got a lot of work to do if you wanna make this work.
But what I'll say to you is,
in my experience watching my clients,
this is either the beginning of the end,
or it's the end of the beginning, okay.
And whatever direction it is, (audience cheers)
you got some work.
And, I know you're gonna do that work if you need to.
All right? - Thank you.
- [James] All right. - Thank you.
- If I was you, dude, saying all that,
like he said, this could be a mistake,
but how?
So, if we hit a rough spot,
you gonna go fix it outside the relationship.
- That's rough. - I, yeah, man.
I'd get another chick.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
- I've been married six years,
and my husband is a great guy, but he's a creature of habit.
Like, he goes to the gym at the same time every day.
He eats lunch at the same time every day.
When we go to restaurants, it's the same local restaurant.
We go on vacation, same vacation spot.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, right?
I need to know. I need some help.
What can I do about it?
(audience laughs)
- So you married a guy
who figures out that he likes something,
and then he says, "You know what?
I'm sticking with this thing that I like,
and I'm not gonna go chasing all kinds of other things
'cause I really like the thing I like."
That doesn't sound too bad.
That-- (audience cheers)
That actually sounds like why he got married, right?
He got married 'cause here's the other thing.
Let's try it the other way.
What if you're married to a guy who,
every shiny thing that he sees, every new thing,
that's what catches his eye.
That's what he wants to do.
He's distracted by every new thing that happens.
That's not a guy you wanna be married to.
That's a guy you end up in my office when you're married to.
- Oh no, that's true. - Right?
So that's the first thing.
But the second thing I'd say to you is,
you know, why does everything have to be one person?
That's one of the biggest myths
that I think ends up causing people to be in my office,
is that the person you marry has to be the best lover,
best friend, best conversationalist, best parent,
best financial person
to do a partnership with for your family finances.
They gotta be everything to you.
Maybe this is something
you're not gonna get from your husband.
Maybe your husband's not the guy
who's gonna wanna go out to every new restaurant.
So maybe you go out with one of your girlfriends
to the new restaurant.
Maybe you go out with one of your college friends.
Maybe you go out
with one of your coworkers to the restaurant.
And you know what might happen?
You're out at that restaurant,
you come home, you say to your husband,
"Oh, we went to the new restaurant.
It was so amazing today."
He's gonna wanna try that restaurant.
- Okay. (audience cheers)
That sounds good.
Okay, I'll try it.
Definitely. I'll try it.
Thank you! - All right.
- You've got a guy. - Yes.
- Who likes the same thing.
Well, guess what?
He wants the same chick.
- Aw. (audience cheers)
Yes, he does.
- You got a good thing.
Go on and ride it out.
- Thank you! (audience cheers)
- [James] You're doing all right.
- All right, Stasia isn't sure if her man
is husband material.
- Hi, Steve. Hi, James.
- [Steve] Hi. - [James] Hi, Stasia.
- So I've been with my boyfriend for about three years,
and he's great.
We always have a lot of fun together.
He's always the life of the party, and everybody loves him.
But here's the thing.
He's a professional musician,
and on the road a lot and keeps late hours.
Now, while that may be fun in a boyfriend,
when I think about it long term, I'm just not sure.
Any advice?
- I'd like to ask you a question.
If you,
if you could have any car,
what car would you have?
- A Lamborghini. (audience laughs)
- [James] Okay.
- I know that's right!
(audience laughs and cheers)
You better want you something!
- Right.
- So now let me ask you this.
If I told you whatever car you pick,
that's the only car you can drive for the rest of your life.
- [Stasia] Oh. - Okay.
You'd change your answer.
I know you would because you're not gonna put a baby seat
in the back of a Lamborghini.
- [Stasia] True.
- You're not gonna, when you're 80 years old,
try to get into a Lamborghini, okay.
The skillset, the job description for a boyfriend
and the skillset job description for a husband,
they're not the same.
Don't give up on the guy
just 'cause he's a professional musician.
There's plenty of businesses, plenty of jobs,
that the lifestyle could be a crazy lifestyle.
But talk to him about it. - [Stasia] Okay.
Sit down and say to him,
listen, here's what my goals are.
Here's what I want our life to look like eventually.
And hear what his perspective is.
He might have plans too.
He might be getting tired of that on the road lifestyle
and have different plans.
Give him a chance to talk to you about it.
But remember, you're buying one car
for the rest of your life.
- Yeah, true. All right. (audience cheers)
- Let me ask you a question.
- [Stasia] Yes.
- Have you ever heard these words from him?
One day, I wanna settle down.
I wanna get a family and have kids and have a wife.
- Not those exact words,
but we've talked a little bit about it.
- What've you heard from him?
- Well, you know, that eventually he wants to get married
and, you know, have a family, and,
but we didn't delve too deep into that--
- [Steve] Yeah, okay. - Subject. Yeah.
- Now, let me ask you this.
Did he say he wanted all that with you?
- Not yet.
(audience oohs)
- I'm telling y'all ladies
this how you gotta pluck the game apart.
'Cause we experts at this.
We say what we know you want to hear
to keep the bait dangling on the hook.
And your man is gonna tell you,
I wanna get married one day.
Settle down, have some kids get a house.
Oh yeah,
and then you automatically plug yourself into the equation.
(audience laughs)
- That happened. - He never said
he wanted that with you.
You can't have doubts about him. You can't.
If you gotta wonder about him, he ain't it.
Probably ain't anyway. - Thanks guys. Appreciate it.
- [Steve] Huh? - [James] Well put.
- Thank you.
- Hey, you made it to the end of this video.
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