well from one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert and I don't
or know about you but one week ago tonight I was a little stressed out you know just about
silly stuff that in retrospect I shouldn't have been too concerned about like the rising tide
of fascism [Applause] and then the election came and I continued to be stressed out for
four more days because we didn't know who had won in Nevada Well turns out what happens in
Vegas takes four days to figure out what the hell happened but but there we go there you go
but on Saturday night we learned that the Democrats are keeping control of the Senate
there you go
ah turns out that Red Wave was actually a blue splash
just as the maxipad commercials foretold [Applause]
the Democrats sealed the deal in Nevada where Catherine Cortez masto defeated
her GOP opponent of course this is Nevada so Cortez masto can either take the win and walk
away or go double or nothing because come on it wouldn't be great to be both Senators Catherine
control of the Senate means the Democrats will be able to approve judges block legislation
from the potential GOP house and most crucially pick the theme of the Senate homecoming dance
Bernie's pushing for enchantment under the soup
[Applause] the Democrats victory in Nevada means the Georgia runoff will no longer
determine control of the Senate so Georgians will have to come up with a new reason to
vote for Herschel Walker for many of them it'll be he's my dad what are you gonna do
now the Republicans failed to take back the Senate they're rolling up their sleeves and
coming together to pick a scapegoat and hurl them down An Elevator Shaft right
now knives are out for Senate minority leader and clinically depressed pudding
Mitch McConnell and Florida Senator and newly discovered Cave Fish Rick Scott
Republican candidates are mad at McConnell for not telling the voters what the GOP would
do if they got control of the Senate and there even matter Rick Scott for telling voters what
they would do if they got control of the Senate specifically Scott talked about cutting Social
Security and Medicare which resulted in scaring older voters and Rick Scott's not supposed to
be scaring older voters supposed to be scaring Harry Potter and his meddling friends [Applause]
smooth
most shocking of all some of the GOP blame is going to the person
who actually deserves it former president chitloaf
according to one Republican strategist they lost because of the ex-president's
hand-picked conspiracy candidates saying the my pillowization of the GOP has been a disaster
to which Mike Lindell responded use promo code GOP disaster for 20 off your next pillow sham
sham like the Sham elections
champ elsewhere a prominent election denier was denied his election and finally admitted
it I'm talking about Pennsylvania Republican gubernatorial candidate and haunted testicle
[Applause]
Doug mastriano mastriano believed and this is true believed God himself would ensure
his victory so it was extra sweet when this Sunday Doug mastriano conceded to Josh Shapiro
Hallelujah Hallelujah yes on a Sunday reminds me of the inspirational poster
wherein the Lord says the times when you saw only one set of footprints on
the beach that's because I didn't want to be seen anywhere near Doug mastriano he's
before the
before the midterms the former president had been teasing his 2024 presidential kickoff for
tomorrow right it was supposed to be tomorrow but now that so many of his candidates got
creamed Republicans are advising him to delay his announcement until after the Senate runoff
in Georgia and so he's going to announce tomorrow advisors of the former president claim he's eager
to start attacking other potential GOP hopeful saying I would expect him to come out swinging
or sounds scary at first but remember when he comes out swinging it looks like this
thank you
breaks my heart breaks my heart there's more chaos at Twitter thanks to new CEO Elon Musk
seen here definitely at his first rodeo it's been just over two weeks since musk paid 44
billion dollars to buy Twitter and the company's gone into a tailspin ad revenue is plunged must
has already fired half of Twitter's employees and late last week he warned the remaining staff that
bankruptcy is possible he's going to lose it all unless he can find someone even richer and
stupider than he is to buy it I would try the Monopoly guy his car is a friggin shoe
he traded the thimble in for a shoot
one company is brave enough to stick it out because SpaceX purchased a big advertising
campaign on Twitter yes on SpaceX is Gonna Save elon's Twitter and elon's
solar panel company is going to save elon's Tesla it's the circle of jerk
hey
musk is also working on other Cutting Edge solutions to save the company specifically
he's tweeting his butt off right now he's on track to post more than 750 times this
month or more than 25 times a day saying things like Twitter feels increasingly alive
yes it feels more alive than ever just like right after you cut off a chicken's head wow
he's really running around oh he's dancing I'm dancing with that chicken I'm dancing
with that chicken oh I want to be just like that dancing chicken oh oh
now the chicken is sleeping
said Elon Musk one reason advertisers are fleeing the platform is all the problems
Twitter is having with their new blue check policy which allows anyone to be verified for
an eight dollar fee in the past those blue checks were reserved for verified public
figures and companies but with the new eight Buck verification internet jokesters went wild
making fake accounts for public figures like Elon Musk George W bush and Rudy Giuliani well
that's obviously fake the real Rudy Giuliani can no longer afford eight dollars a month
the policy dancing with that chicken [Applause] here he goes look at him go [Applause] [Laughter]
policy began to have real world impact to some of our most important persons
corporations a fake check marked Pepsi account tweeted Coke is better
[Applause]
I said they're fake accounts not wrong accounts and but in return in return a
fake Coca-Cola account said if this gets 1 000 retweets we will put cocaine back in Coca-Cola
and it got immediately 1 000 retweets from Don Jr
I'm sure it's a fake account but perhaps the most damaging tweet from a fake account
happened to pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly when an account in Lily's name announced that insulin
is free now and the company's stock fell 4.37 causing the company to lose billions
in market cap I can't believe Wall Street fell for that they should have known something was
up when a pharmaceutical company offered to help anyone one government official one
one government official is trying to make Twitter
accountable for its mess Massachusetts senator and Cockatoo in heat Ed Markey
over the weekend Marky tweeted a Washington Post reporter was able to create a verified account
impersonating me I'm asking for answers from Elon Musk who is putting profits over people and his
debt over stopping disinformation must responded Perhaps it is because your real account sounds
like a parody cool combat boss but you know might he'll have a better comeback Senator Markey who
sits on the subcommittee on communication media and Broadband he tweeted one of your companies is
under an FTC consent degree Auto Safety Watchdog nhtsa is investing in another for killing people
and you're spending your time picking fights online fix your companies or congress will
bad
that is going to leave a Marky great show for you tonight
from a very important family meeting okay get down here [Music] [Applause]