- Yo, what's up? ******'.
Hey, I happen to have Tourette's, so if I shake
and curse during the set, (clicking) whatever.
(audience laughing) Who gives a ****?
Charcuterie boards are like Ouija boards. (clicking)
(audience laughing) the way the spirits seem
to guide my hands. (audience laughing)
(clicking) My favorite social media app is
the front facing camera.
I love hanging out with my boy.
(audience laughing)
This is my impression of a guy who's been
in two relationships. (clicking)
There are two types of women. (audience laughing)
I was at a party the other day. (clicking)
I was looking for my friends,
and I had this tick the whole time.
I was like (clicking tongue repetitively).
Like I was doing echolocation for the homies.
(audience laughing)
Piece of ****.
When I need to be quiet, I kind of go on into horse mode.
I'm like (huffing). (audience laughing)
There's a thunderstorm coming, dude. (clicking)
Put me in the barn. (audience laughing)
Piece of ****. I'm my own heckler.
(audience laughing)
Tourette's is sort of the abstract art
of disabilities. (clicking)
A lot of people are like,
"I can do that." (audience laughing)
****, *******.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Yep. Fish for breakfast, fish for lunch, fish for dinner.
(audience laughing)
Piece of ****.
Do you ever see a famous old painting of lily pants?
It's like, where's the frogs?
(audience laughing)
But imagine being one of the parents
for the kids in the Magic School Bus class (clicking)
getting those field trip permission slips home
every single night. (clicking)
Like what?
Another one? (clicking)
What's that lady teach? (clicking)
(audience laughing)
It just says inside a dog.
(audience laughing)
****, *******, (laughing) (clicking) (indistinct), ****.
(audience laughing)
****, *******.
I like that some mythological creatures have an ethnicity.
Like the Loch ness monster is Scottish.
Leprechauns are Irish.
Yetis are Tibetan.
Jersey Devil's third generation Italian American.
(audience laughing)
****.
Yo, if me and all of my friends are
at the bottom of a mountain (clicking)
worshiping a golden calf (clicking)
and some guy came down off the mountain and was like,
"Hey, how about instead, here's a bunch of rules?"
(audience laughing)
I'd be like, no, thank you.
(audience laughing)
****, *******.
Yo Eve ate that apple,
and it gave her all that knowledge and stuff. (clicking)
Dude, when she ate a second apple,
she must have been like,
"This one, this one's just a apple."
(audience laughing)
****.
This is a good crowd. (clicking)
Who's a good crowd?
You are.
Yes you are.
(audience laughing)
****.
Wikipedia (clicking) has the page for every type
of gambling, (clicking)
they got slot machines, roulette, craps, poker,
horse racing, you name it. (clicking)
No wonder they're always asking for money.
(audience laughing)
****. ******* *****. (laughing)
Talking to that guy. What's up dude?
Steampunk asked the question, (clicking)
"What if technology was only hot water and clocks?"
And some people answered.
We did dress up all horny about it.
(audience laughing)
****. **** *******.
The other day, I was going to the bathroom, (clicking)
and I was ordering food on my phone at the same time.
That's just good inventory management.
(audience laughing)
It's weird that we decorate fish tanks with ship wreckage
'cause that represents like a real tragedy. (clicking)
Imagine we decorated bird cages with flight wreckage.
(audience laughing)
****. (laughing)
Piece of ****.
If Pokemon were real, (clicking)
we would've used them in the Iraq war.
(audience laughing)
****.
Yo, I would never profit off of war. (clicking)
That's so unethical, dude.
In fact, I lost a ton of money betting on Iraq.
(audience laughing)
I love playing as a woman in video games (clicking)
just to see what life is like through their eyes. (clicking)
And I've learned a lot. (clicking)
I didn't know that
women always have to dodge lightning attacks.
(audience laughing)
**** *******.
Elden Ring. All right, folks.
(audience laughing)
What if I, what if my ticks were like,
Three Stooges type ****?
Like conk, can't make that noise.
(high pitched) Conk.
*******.
**** ************.
- I have a jar at home that has my grandpa's smithereens.
(audience laughing)
I'm joining the boycott on JK Rowling. (clicking)
I'm no longer gonna be watching any
Hufflepuff girlfriend role play videos.
(audience laughing)
*******.
I say when you're eating *****,
you're supposed to do the ABCs
I didn't know they meant with your tongue. (clicking)
I've just been singing it up into the canal.
(audience laughing)
****.
*******. The other day
I was given road head (clicking) in the Flintstones car.
(audience laughing)
Thank you very much.