- [Narrator] March 4, 2016.
- Let's cut waste, fraud, and abuse.
It's easy to say it.
- [Narrator] Establishment Republican candidates
were making their last stand against Donald Trump
and Senator Ted Cruz of Texas
had a gross booger hanging on his lip
and then he ate it, as if none of us could see.
This is "Ted Cruz, The Booger on the Lip of Democracy".
(film reel ticking)
Raphael Edward Cruz (sinister growling)
was born in Canada to an American woman
and a former Cuban revolutionary.
When Ted was four, the Cruzes relocated to Texas...
(alarm ululating)
- Houston, we have a problem.
(detonation smashes)
- Where his youthful ambition was the same
as any higher order lizard: sex and domination.
(growling)
- Well, my aspiration is to be, uh...
Oh I don't know, be in a teen sit film
like the guy who played Horatio.
You know, he was in Malibu Bikini Beach Shop?
Well, other than that, uh...
Take over the world.
World domination.
- [Narrator] Yes, young Ted Cruz
was obsessed with boobs and power.
Two things he would struggle to get his hands on
for the rest of his life.
From there, it was on to Princeton University
where he befriended Craig Mazin,
who, as the creator of the HBO series "Chernobyl"
is familiar with toxic disasters.
- [Craig] Ted Cruz was my roommate.
I did not like him at all in college.
I want to be clear, 'cause you know
Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being.
I have plenty of problems with his politics,
but truthfully, his personality is so awful
that 99% of why I hate him is just his personality.
Awful, awful, awful person.
He's awful.
- Ted Cruz was so awful, this professional screenwriter
could think of no other word to describe him.
That's impressive! (ding)
After graduating from Harvard Law School,
Ted finally found someone who didn't hate him
which left him no choice but to marry her.
- We got back from our honeymoon
and he went off to the store and came home by himself.
And he arrived back at our apartment
with literally 100 cans of Campbell's Chunky soup,
and I said, "You don't buy 100 of anything
"much less canned soup.
"Well, you know, we can't do this, I'll be making things."
And he said, "No, I know you, you won't be making things."
- [Narrator] And then, because there was no room
for both soup and a wife,
Ted and Heidi lived apart for seven years.
Cruz use that time to rise through the legal ranks
arguing eight cases before the Supreme Court
where he championed the rights of mentally-ill prisoners
to be executed by the state.
But his most famous case was a passionate defense
of one unusual Texas law.
- Cruz, as Texas' solicitor general,
once defended a ban on the sale of sex toys.
- That's right, in a show of selfless devotion to the law,
Ted Cruz defended a ban on sex toys,
even though he himself is a complete dildo.
In 2012, Cruz burst onto national stage
as a Senate candidate and darling of The Tea Party.
Once elected, he put his mark on the Senate
by filibustering Obamacare
while showing off his first grade reading ability.
- "Do you like green eggs and ham?
"I do not like them, Sam I Am,
"I do not like green eggs and ham."
- What a treat to hear Dr. Seuss
read by a Dr. Seuss character.
To achieve his dreams of world domination,
Ted knew he would need to leave an impression
and he left impressions everywhere.
- Mm, there is no try!
Do, or do not.
The force is strong with this one.
- [Narrator] Non-stop.
- Hi-dilly-ho, neighbor!
- [Narrator] Just a never-ending parade
of barely recognizable voices.
- "Liar!"
"Shut up, witch!"
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!"
- [Narrator] Even though he couldn't really do any of them.
- In the immortal words of William Wallace,
"Freedom!"
- [Narrator] With charisma like that,
there was only one thing for Cruz to do.
- I am announcing that I'm running
for President of the United States.
♪ I was hyped with this life in back, back ♪
♪ Took a mic, no rights, had the right tracks ♪
- [Narrator] Soon, Ted was cruising toward victory.
He had key endorsements.
- [Phil] I've looked at the candidates.
Ted Cruz is my man.
- [Narrator] A supportive family.
- Not a day goes by
that my mom is not lifting me up in prayer.
- That's true.
- For hours at a time.
- [Narrator] And fresh ideas.
- Of course, in Texas,
we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.
(shots cracking) (upbeat music)
Mm, machine gun bacon. (laughs)
- Mm...
Any hunter can track and shoot an animal
but it takes a true outdoors man to use a gun
on meat he already bought at the store.
That's just how unlikable Ted Cruz is.
He actually found a way to turn people off of bacon!
But despite having
the meticulous planning skills and foresight
that's just coincidentally the hallmark of a serial killer,
Ted Cruz failed to anticipate Donald Trump.
- Ted Cruz, he's a absolute disgusting liar.
He is like a little baby.
Soft, weak little baby.
This guy's a liar.
Lyin' Ted Cruz, Lyin' Ted lies, oh he lies.
- Donald Trump called his wife ugly
and said his father was implicated
in the conspiracy to kill JFK!
- [Narrator] At first, Ted took the high road,
swallowing his pride and a few boogers along the way.
But finally, he had had enough.
- [Commentator] Cruz got on stage at the RNC
and he did not endorse Donald Trump.
- Vote your conscience.
That pledge was not a blanket commitment
that if you go and slander and attack Heidi,
that I'm going to nonetheless come like a servile puppy dog
and say, "Thank you very much
"for maligning my wife and maligning my father."
- The gauntlet had been thrown.
No longer would Ted Cruz cater to Donald Trump's every whim.
He drew a line in the sand and...
Oh, hold on, I'm getting a call.
- Hi, this is Ted Cruz calling.
I was calling to encourage you to come out
and vote on Election Day.
- Oh, Ted. (whimsical music)
With nothing left to do, Cruz headed back to the Senate
where he reclaimed his position
as the most hated guy in the office.
- If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate
(audience laughs)
and the trial was in the Senate,
nobody could convict you.
- I probably like Ted Cruz
more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz
and I hate Ted Cruz.
He's just a toxic coworker.
He's the guy that microwaves fish.
(woman laughs)
- [John] There is nothing more dangerous
than a reckless asshole
who thinks he's smarter than everyone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ted Cruz.
- I'm beginning to understand
why Ted Cruz has been hated by everyone
every place he's ever been,
from kindergarten to the United States Senate.
- I am not endorsing Ted Cruz, I hate Ted Cruz.
(man laughs)
I think I'd take cyanide if he ever got to nomination.
- [Narrator] God damn!
Even people who don't know if mass shootings are bad,
thinks Ted Cruz (bleep) sucks.
Chastened by this reception,
Ted got to work rehabilitating his image.
He began doing relatable stuff,
like accidentally posting MILF porn
on the anniversary of 9/11,
and encouraging an insurrection against the government.
- We will not go quietly into the night!
- Look here, look!
- Ted Cruz's objection to the Arizona-
- This is Ted Cruz's objection.
He was gonna sell us out all along!
- Really? - What?
- Look!
"Objection to counting electoral votes
"on the State of Arizona." (shouting angrily)
- Can I get a photo of that?
- Wait, no that's a good thing!
- Okay, all right, all right, slow up (indistinct).
- He's with us, he's with us.
- [Narrator] Oh no, Ted Cruz is so hateable
that, for a moment, even his biggest fans
hated him by accident.
- Treason! Treason! Treason!
- [Narrator] But once the dust settled
and the MAGA mob reluctantly decided not to murder him,
Ted and his family headed back home to Texas
to let things cool down in Washington.
Unfortunately, things cooled down even more in Texas.
- [Reporter] As Texans, wait for a thaw
and power to their homes,
Senator Ted Cruz is facing backlash
after an alleged fellow passenger tweeted out this photo
appearing to show Cruz on a flight to Cancun.
- [Reporter] He first blamed the trip on his kids.
that turned out to be a lie.
- [Narrator] The 24 hour trip to Cancun
radically shifted America's view of Ted Cruz
from the giant unlikeable asshole to...
Actually, it didn't shift the view of him at all.
But these are just small bumps
on the road to his ultimate goal: world domination.
To Ted Cruz, the earth is a mere booger dancing on his lips,
tantalizing, mesmerizing, repulsive,
waiting until the day he can swallow us whole
and hope that no one saw it.
(upbeat music)