I'M EXCITED THIS FRIDAY, I'M GOING TO BE HOME, WITH MY
FAMILY.
I'M A DAD. YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE CIVIL
WAR, AND MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS AT hotmail.com.
AND AS A DAD, A CARING, CONCERNED DAD,
I'M ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE NEWEST DAD TRENDS, WHICH IS
WHY I WAS SO EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT THE LATEST CRAZE:
MILITARY-STYLE BABY GEAR FOR DADS.
FINALLY, A BABY CARRIER THAT PROTECTS BOTH THE BABY'S
DELICATE HEAD AND THE DADDY'S EVEN MORE DELICATE SENSE OF
MASCULINITY.
IT'S ALL PART OF A GROWING TREND OF BRO'D-UP BABY SUPPLY
COMPANIES LIKE MISSION CRITICAL AND TACTICAL BABY GEAR, WHO SAY
THEY CREATED PRODUCTS TO CATER TO A MARKET FULL OF GUYS SICK OF
DIAPER BAG EMASCULATION.
YEAH, DIAPERS ARE TOTALLY EMASCULATING.
I MEAN, HALF THE TIME WHEN YOU OPEN THEM UP, THERE'S A TINY
PENIS INSIDE.
THAT'S WHY IT'S SPOOKY STUFF.
IT'S SCARY.
THAT'S WHY TACTICAL BABY GEAR BOASTS THAT THEY'VE DEVELOPED A
LINE OF "ACCESSORIES THAT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE RIPPED RIGHT OUT
OF A SWAT TEAM VAN."
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "GOOD PARENTS" LIKE THE PHRASE,
"RIPPED OUT OF A VAN."
AND THERE IS NO DOUBT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS
HARDCORE GEAR FINALLY MAKES FATHERHOOD MANLY.
CHECK OUT THIS PROMO FEATURING THE T.B.G. DEUCE TACTICAL DIAPER
BAG.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: I THINK I KNOW WHY
THERE ARE NO OTHER FAMILIES AT THAT PLAYGROUND.
YOU CAN PICK UP A DIAPER BAG, PACIFIER CLIB AND BEER KOOZIES.
BECAUSE THE BEST DADS ARE A LITTLE BUZZ ON.
AND THIS STUFF IS AS TOUGH AS IT LOOKS.
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN PRODUCTS THAT TURN YOU INTO A TOTAL
DAD-ASS, YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR OUR
FIRST INSTALLMENT OF:
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE NOOK, WUSSIES.
REMEMBER OUR MOTTO-- "I AM VERY SECURE."
TO SHOW US SOME OF THE MOST HARD-CORE BABY GEAR ON THE
MARKET, PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND, COMEDIAN AND RETIRED
MARINE, ROB RIGGLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT UP, BRO?
>> HEY, HEY.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
YOU BET.
HAPPY TO BE HERE, BUT NOT SO HAPPY IT MAKES ME SEEM WEAK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO, WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SHOW US TODAY, ROBERT?
>> FIRST OFF, STEPHEN, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CRIB.
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE?
>> Stephen: I SEE CUDDLY, SOFT, LIKE IT'S MADE FOR BABIES.
>> NOT ANYMORE, MY MAN.
YOU'VE HEARD OF TRUCK NUTZ?
>> Stephen: YEAH >> NOW, THERE'S CRIB SACK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BOOM!
THIS THING JUST WENT FROM ROCCA BYE BABY TO LOCKED AND COCKED,
BABY.
>> Stephen: UP TOP!
BOOM!
DOWN LOW!
>> OH, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOOD?
>> YEAH, I'M GOOD.
YOU GOOD?
>> Stephen: I'M GOOD ALL DAY.
>> YEAH, I'M HEAVY METAL POLY-ALLOYED GOOD.
LIKE SUPER DOUBLE GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S MOVE ON, STEPHEN.
I'VE GOT ANOTHER BABY BEDROOM PRODUCT THAT I'M GOING TO SHOW
YOU.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.
LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING'S LESS MANLY THAN SOOTHING.
BUT IT'S BEEN PROVEN BY SCIENCE NERDS THAT BABIES CALM DOWN AND
FALL ASLEEP MORE QUICKLY IF YOU TURN ON A WHITE-NOISE MACHINE.
>> Stephen: UGH, WHITE NOISE-- THE WEAKEST KIND OF QUIET.
>> OH, YEAH.
YEAH, WHEN THINGS ARE QUIET, THAT'S WHEN YOU HEAR... THE
THOUGHTS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT ANYMORE!
NOT ANYMORE.
INTRODUCING THE MX-80 ASSAULT SOOTHER.
TAKE A LISTEN.
THIS PUPPY'S GOT OVER EIGHT HOURS OF HIGH-FIDELITY WARFARE.
( GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS, WARFARE ) THIS PUPPY'S GOT OVER EIGHT
GET SOME!
>> Stephen: YOU WANT SOME?
>> Stephen: >> I'M ALL IN FOR A GOOD NIGHT'S
SLEEP WITH THIS.
>> Stephen: SWEET DREAMS, MY LITTLE HONEY BEAR!
THAT'S GREAT FOR THE HOME STUFF, BUT WHAT ABOUT APPEARING MANUAL
WHEN YOU'RE TAKING YOUR BABY OUTDOORS.
>> GLAD YOU ASKED, STEPHEN.
STEP OVER HERE AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE STROLL-VEE ARMORED
PERSONNEL STROLLER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S SWEET.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SWEET.
>> THIS THING CAN TAKE A DIRECT HIT.
YEAH, GRAB THAT.
I WANT YOU TO GO AHEAD AND CHANNEL ALL THAT RAGE FROM WHEN
YOU HAD THE FEELINGS AT THE ART MUSEUM.
>> Stephen: MONET'S "WATER LILLIES" OPENED A BLOSSOM IN MY
SOUL!
>> YEAH!
YEAH!
GET SOME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT THING REALLY
TAKES A BEATING, ROB.
>> OH, YEAH, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN WAKE UP LITTLE CALEB.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD, THERE IS A BABY IN THERE?
HOLD ON.
I PREFER THE TERM "PRE-MAN." AND REVEILLE!
REVEILLE!
GOT HIM.
GET UP, YOU LITTLE TURD.
THERE WE GO!
ALL RIGHT!
DON'T WORRY ABOUT CALEB, ALL RIGHT.
HE'S GOT FIVE CONFIRMED KILLS ALREADY.
DON'T YOU GOT FIVE CONFIRMED KILLS.
( BABY CRYING ) >> Stephen: UH-OH, SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEBODY NEEDS A BOTTLE.
>> NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
GOOD IDEA, MY FRIEND.
>> Stephen: ROB RIGGLE EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>.>> TAKE CARE OF THOSE KIDS!
THEY'RE OUR FUTURE!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH J.K. SIMMONS.