okay that's all for now you will finish
reading chapter two for tomorrow please
thank
you Ted would you stay for a minute
please I guess what did I do now you did
this creative writing assignment Ted and
you did a tremendous job I just wanted
to let you know that did I okay this is
a really good story you've written I
think you should submit it for
publication I know there are a few youth
anthologies that would easily accept
this I can even help you with that if
you like is it good I was just kind of
writing whatever yes it's extremely good
as is everything you write you're a very
talented writer it's a rare gift shared
by some pretty great people I hope
you're at least somewhat proud okay I
guess I'll write more I think you
should Dear Mr Dolan
I was Googling random [ __ ] at 3:00 a.m.
for some reason and somehow I got from
the Wikipedia page for double decker
buses to the website for the old school
and I remembered how you were basically
the only good teacher I ever had so I
thought I would write to you and
say something I'm not even sure actually
maybe this is just weird you know what
never
mind Dear Mr Dolan I was cleaning [ __ ]
out of my closet the other day and I
found some old stuff from school and I
remembered how I basically hated every
other teacher except you and then I
looked at the alumni page of the school
website and saw the business owners and
the dentists and that chick who was on
Shark Tank and half of them were younger
than me and then I wondered why I wanted
to write to an old teacher to announce
that I barely make a living cobbling
together various writing and comedy and
acting things and my new book sold 143
copies and the publisher stopped
replying to my emails and why the [ __ ]
would I ever tell you
this Dear Mr Dolan I keep getting the
idea to write to you but I don't know
how this kind of thing is supposed to go
I feel like acknowledging that you were
an actually good memory for me in a haze
of awkwardness and bullying but at the
same time I've tried Googling this [ __ ]
and when most people write to Old
teachers they're saying thanks for
fostering my interest in science and
reading because now I'm a physicist SL
judge and my conventionally attractive
partner and children would just like to
say cheers for the leg up so I didn't
end up as some creepy guy in a bar
making teenage money at age 30 and
writing completely unwelcome
letters Dear Mr Dolan you would read
books to the class and when we obviously
weren't paying attention you would scare
the [ __ ] out of everyone by yelling
suddenly when the characters in the book
would yell and I always thought that was
[ __ ] hilarious sometimes I do it
during my ACT but it's not really the
basis for a letter I'm guessing Dear Mr
Dolan maybe I just hated all of school
and every teacher and most of the kids
and it was just Decades of misery and
you were just the least bad experience
instead of something actually
significant and this letter is a brick
sailing through your mental window and
there's a note tied to it but you don't
recognize the name because why the [ __ ]
would you I mean even if you did know
who I am this is [ __ ] ridiculous Dear
Mr Dolan my kindly grade seven teacher
thought I'd just let you know I just
finished writing a 40-minute comedy set
about oral sex and how lazy men should
just become gay because it's less
research because that's the kind of
thing I do with my time and I [ __ ]
use swears the way other people use the
and and and I like that Japanese porn
where the women have dicks and I'm
hateful and unapproachable and sometimes
I'm [ __ ] literally just looking for a
fight and you're a normal man who
coaches volley ball and helps in the
community and aren't you glad you had
some hand in my upbringing isn't it
totally appropriate for me to be writing
to you how the [ __ ] it
going Dear Mr Dolan I keep coming back
to this letter even though I don't even
know what you mean to me like do other
people have this problem dear Mrs
concate I just wanted to casually and
easily wish you a happy retirement in a
manner that's entirely proportional to
your role in my ongoing existence P.S I
almost made six figures last year I know
right Dear Mister whoever I literally
haven't thought about school since I
graduated because it was a smooth and
unremarkable experience for myself and
my friends and probably most functional
human beings hello Professor grber it
was good to see you last night I greatly
enjoy our bi-weekly dinners it's so
wonderful that the friendship that
blossomed between us back then has
persisted so strongly throughout the
years and Dear Mr Dolan God [ __ ] damn
it Dear Mr Dolan I'm allegedly a writer
but I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm
trying to say Dear Mr Dolan this is the
biggest house I'll ever own Dear Mr
Dolan everything seems like a good idea
at 3:00
a.m. Dear Mr Dolan the first time I had
the idea of writing to you you were
still listed as a teacher but you must
have retired by now and I guess I still
have the email address you gave us back
in the day but I doubt you still use it
so I think this is just a convenient
sign that this was a [ __ ] terrible
idea to begin with
I don't even remember myself back then
why would you hopefully you enjoy your
retirement and get letters from actually
successful students and then live out
the rest of your years and you'll
eventually pass on never knowing that I
think
you're
um you know what [ __ ]
it Dear Mr Dolan hi it's Ted l i was the
Lippy irresponsible kid in your grade
seven class like 17 years ago I was
weird then and now I'm even more a
sketchy nebulously counterculture guy
whose life barely overlaps with the kind
of person you are or no or probably ever
encounter and you were a teacher for
like 30 years and you had hundreds or
thousands of kids and most of them were
normal and you probably see them at the
supermarket with their kids and
meanwhile I'm sitting in the dark a
thousand miles away in the middle of the
night riding the 800th draft of a letter
to someone who obviously wouldn't
remember me or understand why I would
remember you but there's a point to this
I swear I do remember you I remember the
other kids bitching about how hard of a
teacher you were and how it was weird
that you did the voices when you read
books to the class but me and a couple
other kids hated every teacher except
for you I never fit in and I remember
how you would single me out for extra
attention sometimes and I always
wondered how you knew to do that but in
retrospect it was probably obvious that
I needed an arm around my shoulder and
you definitely did that for me because
you're one of those rare people called
an adult capital A I am not an adult but
I'm trying to get there I swear and if
anyone gets there it's because of the
example other people set for us it's
easy to forget how much time we spent as
kids with adults who weren't our parents
but who also influenced us no matter how
different we ended up being and every
kid needs that especially the weird kids
and I've probably blocked out most of my
time in the education system but I guess
I've always remembered you and I
remember you told me it's okay to start
a sentence with and because writing has
no rules and you taught me to Define
stuff like nice and cool instead of just
mindlessly using words but most
importantly you were the first person to
tell me I was good at something and I
was like huh really I'm good at writing
but that went on to form my entire
identity I write for a living now as
much as I make a living I mean I keep
waiting until I'm officially successful
and mature to start thanking everyone
but I could be waiting forever I mean
that's not what life is so it's like
this writing is the one thing I'm good
at and I'm glad I'm good at it so yeah
I'm writing this to you and maybe you
won't even read this I probably missed
my chance and he won't know who the hell
I am anyway because nobody keeps their
email address from 17 years ago and
nobody remembers people from back then
either so maybe I won't even hit send
when I'm done but even if I'm just
talking to myself here I guess I just
need to say I remember you I need the
universe to know that you were a [ __ ]
really good teacher so thanks it's a
rare gift shared by some pretty great
people I hope you're at least somewhat
proud
[Music]
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