does your young child cower and hide when they're introduced to
someone new or maybe they're in a new situation
in this short video i'm going to tell you step by step what you can do to help your child
overcome shyness so they won't continue to suffer and become a shy adult that's coming right up
before i get started i just wanted to tell you all of this information is available in my book how to
train your child to behave there is a link for it in the description below so think about this
situation you go up to someone and you say hello it's nice to meet you and they turn away or they
ignore you is that rude of course it is but we allow our children to behave that way and we don't
teach them differently because we chalk it up to shyness if you want your child to feel happy and
confident when they meet new people it's important that they overcome their shyness shyness is a sad
thing some people might think it's a little bit cute or whatever but in the end what it is is it's
a social fear and it's not fun for the person who is shy it also makes the people around that person
a little uncomfortable so with that in mind let's go on to the two basic reasons for shy behavior
number one is they are naturally shy and number two is they act shy to have control
so one is an actual fear and the other one is actually a manipulation tactic either way
it's still important that your child overcome shyness whether it be a fear or whether they're
manipulating now here are the steps you can take to help them do that number one help your child
change their mindset the main basic concept of being polite is to make the other person feel
comfortable shyness is actually about thinking about yourself worrying about yourself worrying
about your fears you may think oh children are too young to understand that but actually small
children can understand when you tell them think about something else don't think about yourself
think about the other person for really young ones it's easy and simple just to explain
remember don't think about yourself think about how you can make the other person feel comfortable
you can even ask them what are some ways you can make the other person feel comfortable
maybe you could smile maybe you could say hello maybe you can reach out your hand number two
do not label your child as shy now this is a very important concept i'm sure you've seen the
scenario and maybe been the parent in it a parent introduces a child to someone new and they cower
or hide behind the parents legs when that happens what does the parent commonly say oh they're just
shy what does that phrase teach the child though it teaches them that this behavior is acceptable
and they don't have to acknowledge or address the other person in other words what it really does is
it gives the child an excuse in their own mind to behave in a rude way remember our goal here
it is to help your child overcome shyness labeling shy behavior as acceptable does not help reach
that goal so if this scenario happens to you here's a better thing to say i'm sorry for her
behavior we're working on that this phrase sends a different message to your child it says this is
not acceptable behavior and there is a plan to help you behave differently in the future now
really this phrase we're working on that is a great phrase to use in parenting all the time
it tells your child something they've done isn't right but it tells the other person observing that
you recognize that and you're doing things to work on that behavior and help it to be better in the
future number three role play at home if you know your child has a tendency to behave with shyness
practice at home how are they to act when they start to feel this way set up pretend meetings
at home like you're pretending to meet them and talk to them about how they feel at that moment
when they're meeting someone new remind them to overcome their irrational fears and to step
outside of their comfort zone have them come to you and then tell them you're going to pretend
that they're meeting you for the first time have them say hello my name is susie or whatever
then when they say hello to you turn away and ignore them then come back and say how did that
make you feel obviously that's going to make them feel uncomfortable and kind of sad that the
other person they were talking to just turned away then have them say it again hello my name's susie
what's yours then smile put your hand out and say hi my name's holly now ask them how did that make
you feel pretend again but this time when they say hello my name is susie what's yours go ahead and
hide your face behind your hands then again ask them how did that make them feel was that rude
do it again but this time have them ask a question like did you like the cake you had for dessert or
what kind of pet do you have when they ask you that question just turn away and ignore them
then come back and say was that rude did that make you feel a little uncomfortable when
i didn't say anything back to you when you asked me a question what you're doing when you're doing
all of this role play is you're having them experience why it's rude to turn away from
someone when they talk to you and by having that experience they learn that feeling that the other
person has and it makes them more motivated to want to make the other person feel comfortable
then go back and do those scenarios again but this time answer the questions in the right way
did you like that cake you had for dessert yes it was really good did you like yours
also be sure to teach them to shake hands say hello look the other person in the eye and smile
another good idea is to have them do this practice role playing with other people they know well like
maybe their grandparents or their older siblings or maybe some close family friends number four
take them aside for a conversation going back to the situation we discussed a minute ago let's
say you introduce someone to your child and they hide behind you what should you do at that point
what you should do is say to the other person i'm sorry for her behavior we're working on that and
then take your child aside to a private place and have a conversation an eye to eye conversation
where you're reminding them about the role playing you did and how important it is not to be rude
and to be sure and make the other person feel comfortable then talk to them about what they
can say in regards to what the other person might have said maybe they're meeting someone for the
first time maybe that person asked them a question and they ignored their question whatever it may be
have them practice how to answer number five have them try again go back to the person that they
were rude to and have them try again now i know this might seem a little bit uncomfortable for you
or something but think about it for a moment first of all most people really appreciate the effort of
a parent to teach their child how to properly socially interact so they're usually going to
cooperate but the other thing that this action does is it teaches your child something it teaches
your child that just because you're in a public place or you're meeting or greeting other people
they cannot get by with being shy they have to step outside of their comfort zone and they have
to try and you're letting them know they're not going to get by with it if they do that
all they're going to do is have to do it in a few minutes so that will motivate them also the next
time to do better number six help them play with or meet friends in a controlled setting if you
know your child has a tendency to be shy in social situations set up play dates with other children
where you can observe how they interact and help them practice notice if they go to a corner by
themselves or hesitate to get in to play with others if you see them cowering away take them
aside and talk to them again about engaging with other children tell them to go ask another
child to play maybe with a toy or to play a certain game with them or whatever it may be
if they don't want to do that don't push it don't make them do that instead say that's okay
just come and sit down here by me until you're ready to give it a try
while they're sitting by you don't allow them to play with other things or whatever
now this isn't getting them in trouble it's not putting them in time out or anything like that
what it's doing is telling them again in a kind way that you're not going to allow them
to live in fear you're not going to allow them to let their shyness overcome them don't get angry
don't scold them just let them know that this is a play date so this is time to interact with others
when they're ready to do that they can give it a try and then wait patiently
eventually when they see other children playing they will want to participate and i just want to
set a note here it is totally okay if your child wants to play that by themselves some of the time
that's totally fine just be sure that they're not using their fear to go away from others
and letting that shyness overcome them so they don't interact with others on purpose
don't let them manipulate you most of the steps so far have assumed the reason for the shy behavior
is the natural inclination to have social fears but there is another reason for the shy behavior
that i mentioned at the beginning of the video and that is to manipulate others sometimes it's not
about fear with a child sometimes they just don't answer an adult or they turn away and they're just
doing that to show a sense of control and power now i'm not saying that a child who does that is
some kind of conniving person it is just a natural thing that some children want to show they have
control or power over others and this is the way they show it this happens with other behaviors too
sometimes for instance sometimes a child throws a tantrum because they really don't know how
to control frustration but other times they throw a tantrum to get their way that's just another
example of a child doing something inappropriately to try to control a situation as a parent it's
good to be able to discern which is going on with your child although no matter what's going on they
still need to overcome that behavior maybe you're one of those parents that has a really soft heart
and you can't stand to see your child cry or be angry or be dissatisfied or uncomfortable in some
way that's okay i understand but remember it's in your child's best interest that they don't behave
this way it's up to you to guide them away from manipulation by requiring them to behave properly
and it's also up to you to help them overcome social fear so they can be confident so don't
let their tears or fears stop you showing your love and support and building a relationship is
all part of good parenting but so is requiring them to learn things that they may not want to
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