hey guys so today is kind of a busy day for me what do you think oh very nice
it's very cool Bateman but that's nothing what do you think nice but wait You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet
Quite impressive very nice
let's see Paul balance
oh my God I feel super stressed super overwhelmed full of anxiety I have my psychologist appointment
which is like therapy because I have my CT scan today and before my CT scans I like to
spend the whole day kind of just like marinating in the fact that I have to go do this because I
hate it so much but I can't because now I have to marinate in the fact that I'm about to probably go
cry in therapy it is Friday so I'm probably not even gonna get my CT scans until like next week
which is upsetting because like I need them now I will say though I do feel better today
but I'm not gonna hold my breath because when this first started happening which was like three weeks
ago it just randomly stopped for like a week and then came back full force with like extra
little symptoms I say like the pain is slightly better today um I still have my cough my out of
breath moment but my doctor's having me take this like puff thing to see if that like helps so I'm
gonna do my little puffs with you guys because I haven't done them today I have to do two of them
this is for like inflammation of the lungs in case my lungs are like inflamed I don't know
I hate it and then you have to turn it do it again
okay and then I have to stay hydrated for my CD scan and I literally just uploaded a video and
people be complaining about me doing Legos you guys come on God I do what's requested and then
people get mad that I do what's requested like when am I gonna win so we got some new chairs uh
that feline put together and we don't have them on the porch yet but here is Rarity over here
already claiming it as her own look how sweet okay so I had my appointment with my
psychiatrist and it went really freaking good I got emotional I did I got emotional I'm about to
leave to go get this CT scan done I really wanted to wear my hair down today but so a new update on
pain there's this weird sharp pain in the bottom like where my spine is the pain is traveling a
little bit which is scary ugh I have so many doctor's appointments coming up because I'm
like an advocate for myself and actually taking care of myself and I'm proud of that I am finally
seeing a lymphedema specialist supposedly the first appointment is an hour and a half long
so yeah I'm about to gain knowledge that I didn't have prior to so yeah you ready to go feline
okay you guys so it is the next day I just slept for 12 hours for Warrant I know I've been
emotional in probably the last like 100 videos of mine I've definitely cried a lot recently and
I feel like it's validated so yesterday I went to my CT scan and I I was expecting a different
outcome where they noticed I was short of breath by walking just like a short distance and they did
like automatically notice something wrong with my lungs they actually called the radiologist
um immediately and this is a an amazing hospital so I don't know I've never seen a hospital like it
um Celine was like dang this is bougie I'm like I know that's why I always come here that's why
this is my go-to like I love it it's where I had my hysterectomy from my oncologist is so they
automatically like called the radiologist they said that I have fluid on my lungs
with the fact that I'm showing symptoms I should probably go to the ER so I was admitted to the ER
immediately and it was so scary because like five doctors came in at the same time and like
I just felt like this Rush of anxiety come over me because I was just like stuck in the CT Circle I
get pulled out and all of a sudden there's all these doctors it was just like nerve-wracking
um so finally when I saw like the actual doctor the reason why I said all these doctors is because
they all have different names but if you work in a hospital to me you're a doctor it's like
um I talked to like the actual doctor um when I first got into the ER
that's when things went downhill for sure um a lot of cancer talk um saying how since I've
had cancer before to have fluid around or in my lungs could be an indicator that it's
cancer so they wanted me to do another CT scan of my stomach and my abdomen
and another one of my lung among taking more of my blood I literally don't care how I look
right now don't care at all I'm wearing leftover makeup from yesterday they did another CT scan
for my stomach abdomen and more of my lung um the same freaking Day within hours apart I don't know
if that's bad but it happens a lot of radiation in one day and this one they saw they said that my
abdomen looked fine you know areas of my stomach look fine but they found a nodule in my lung
the same lung that has the fluid so it's a lot of cancer talk being thrown around by
high professionals so it's very reminiscent to when I've come down at uterine cancer the same
things that they're telling me now is what I was told before you know a lot of people have
doctors on their lungs and they don't know but the thing is there's usually no symptoms with it
and I've had a lot of symptoms I now have fluid on my lung and to think that I went to the ER just
a little over a week ago and they said it was a pulled muscle by advocating for myself I am
figuring out every single day this is something deeper and something worse and it's scary and to
think that it's like possible cancer again is not what I wanted but we're hoping that it's not not
that when I want some antibiotics currently I'm not knocking doctors but sometimes they're so busy
that they're just ready to move on to the next patient and uh I had so many questions and like I
don't know he was just very kind and knowledgeable and answered my questions and feline's questions
because we both had questions for sure but I'm currently on antibiotics just in case it is an
infection of some kind the doctor told me you need to see your primary care doctor which I
have scheduled already for Monday because um he said that I need another CT scan of my lung but
this time with more like invasive contrast to be able to like look more at the nodule and then we
have to go from there just to think that just a week ago it was a pulled muscle and I don't
know I just I've I'm having a hard time and I'm scared at least I have this baby yeah look at her
I know she's so sweet at least I have all three of my babies you know
I don't know if you guys just heard Pauline but she said
oh you good over there I have four babies yes and my family I um I am an agnostic gal but
I want prayers I need prayers I'm begging for prayers I feel like when your life is on the line
and you feel like you're dying you start to call out to God even if you don't know if he's real you
know that was me in the hospital last night it was me in the hospital the day um that I was gushing
blood everywhere due to uterine cancer I was praying to a god that I don't know is real yeah
I'm just scared so this is my [ __ ] life and my job is to Vlog it this is literally my life my job
is to monetize my life so people calling my videos clickbait go to David dobrik okay go to [ __ ]
Ethan Klein's Channel and tell them the same thing David dobrik has a whole merch line that is
literally just clickbait like literally the word clickbait is the merch but amberland does a little
clickbait called weigh-in or bad news or cancer which is something I have experienced and could
possibly be experiencing again but you know I get hate for that there are so many people on YouTube
who are documenting their cancer experience video that because that is what the video is about but
why are they allowed to do it and I'm not and you can say all day stop comparing yourself but
it just there comes a time where comparing makes sense and I just feel like I'm not treated the
same as other people like when I start thinking about things and I think about life it's like
really why does it matter it's a title of a video get over it I guess I have my own
little raging moment moments um Chantal is not the only one I think it just comes a time where
um I guess in this community people have decided sticking up for ourselves equals raging
I don't know how to meditate I don't know I don't have anything to call me I don't I don't know
ASMR only does so much now ASMR used to call me a lot but
it's like my mind just constantly so please pray please all right I'm gonna go now you
say I make you nervous a tragedy I'm A Beautiful Disaster a reckoning you wonder how I got this way
you think I'm someone to be saved someone to clean up and Tamo some things never change