Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Jordan Klepper.
We got so much to talk about tonight.
Florida tells teams to touch grass.
The Supreme Court finds out what women want.
And Donald Trump just read a book.
So let's get into tonight's headlines, shall we?
[CHEERING]
Let's begin with the ongoing legal woes
of America's defendant-in-chief,
Donald Trump.
Now, Trump has just over a week to come
up with $175 million bond in his real estate fraud case.
And if he can't get it from selling shares
in his social media company or borrowing from his billionaire
friends or teaming up with Giuliani for a sexy car wash,
then this latest, very classy business venture just
might do the trick.
I'm proud to be partnering with my very good friend
Lee Greenwood-- who doesn't love his song,
"God Bless the USA"--
in connection with promoting the God Bless the USA Bible.
This Bible is the King James version
and also includes our founding father documents.
Yes, the Constitution.
Also the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence,
and the Pledge of Allegiance are all part of this.
All Americans need a Bible in their home.
And I have many.
It's my favorite book.
[LAUGHTER]
Many? Many?
Many?
How does that thing not burst into flames immediately, huh?
Yeah, Trump is mashing together the Bible
and the Constitution like it's a Pizza Hut, Taco Bell.
[LAUGHTER]
And I know people will say that you're
not supposed to mix the Bible and the Constitution.
But what you have to understand is Trump
has never read either of them.
If we step back and look at this,
Trump getting into business with God
can only mean one thing.
God is going to end up bankrupt and serving
a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.
I mean, what's amazing about this is that Trump just made
$5 billion on his new stock.
Buddy, you're not supposed to be
doing this embarrassing grifter shit when you're that rich.
Just start a private space company
like a normal billionaire sociopath.
You don't see Elon Musk selling his farts in jars to perverts,
do you?
No, no!
Maybe, maybe.
I-- I haven't looked into it.
Probably you do.
You know, pro--
I bet if-- I bet if I--
I bet, yes, he'd probably-- let's move on, shall we?
Let's move on to the big news of the day.
As we've all heard by now, this morning, a cargo
ship leaving Baltimore crashed into the Francis
Scott Key Bridge, collapsing the entire bridge
into the water.
Now, early indications suggest the crash was caused by a power
failure on the ship.
But that's not going to stop America's professional fear
mongers from blaming it on whatever's
most convenient to them.
COMMENTATOR: The White House says there are no indications
of foul play here.
Of course, we're all worried about a potential,
you know, terrorist attack given the wide open border.
You know, I'm no expert on what's going on the seas.
But all I would say is that if you talk to employers
in America, they'll tell you that filling slots
with employees who aren't drug addled is a very huge problem.
What are we doing to make sure that we have the best
infrastructure in the world so that when a ship passes by
and clips the bridge that it doesn't entirely collapse?
REPORTER: Alex Jones tweeting, "Looks deliberate to me.
A cyber attack is probable.
World War III has already started."
World War III has already started?
But I have Dune tickets this weekend.
[LAUGHTER]
What?
Can I at least see it before I enlist in the war?
Who are we fighting exactly?
Is it boats?
Are we fighting the boats?
You know what? Doesn't matter.
I'll just start shooting.
We'll figure it out later.
You know, media figures, you are allowed to just say,
we're waiting for more information, right?
We don't need to fill every moment of uncertainty
with bullshit.
It might be too early to speculate,
but can we prove that this wasn't
P Diddy's getaway sex barge?
[LAUGHTER]
Stay tuned and find out.
Look, of course, America's infrastructure is in need
of updating, of course.
But I don't think this is the proof.
Falling down is kind of what you
expect a bridge to do when a giant cargo ship slams into it.
If your grandma gets body slammed by The Rock,
you're not going to blame her broken bones
on a calcium deficiency.
[LAUGHTER]
You're going to blame it on her not bringing
her A-game to The Rock.
You got to step it up, Nana.
Got to step it up.
Come on.
Yes!
[APPLAUSE]
Finally-- finally, in some social media news,
if you're a preteen in Florida, watching clips
of this show on TikTok, you're about to be
in a world of trouble.
We turn now to a social media showdown in Florida.
Governor Ron DeSantis signing a bill
banning children under 14 from having their own social
media accounts.
If this law holds, Florida will
have one of the most restrictive social media bans
in the country.
The new measure bars social media accounts for children
under the age of 14 and requires parental consent
for 15- and 16-year-olds.
It also mandates that social media platforms search for
and remove the profiles of kids who don't
meet the age requirement.
[SIGHS] This makes me so mad.
This asshole Ron DeSantis might have
done something I agree with.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, what-- what does it say about me?
I don't know what this says about me.
I do think maybe this law isn't a bad idea.
I think we can all agree that social media
is a nightmare for kids.
It increases their risk of depression.
It exposes them to predators.
It harms concentration.
It gives you a wildly unrealistic expectation of how
easy it is to prepare meals.
Just throw in the potatoes, some scallions,
some boiling water, a couple of fast edits.
Voila, a beautiful dinner, and your entire family loves you.
You're a great father!
[LAUGHTER]
No, it's not that easy.
It turns out there's a lot of prep work.
The videos don't show you that.
They've got to blanch the onions.
Then you've got to julienne the carrots.
Now it's 10:00 PM. Your kids are starving.
They hate you.
Why am I supposed to be doing all the cooking anyway?
I was at work all day.
I'm not a failure.
I'm on TV, god damn it.
[LAUGHTER]
Hypothetically.
[APPLAUSE]
The point is if Florida teenagers are kicked off
of their phones, maybe they can focus
on all the quintessential experiences of being
a teen in Florida, things like wrestling a gator at prom
or going to the library and reading the four books that
are still legal to read or trying
to avoid Matt Gaetz on your walk home from school,
you know, classic Florida teen shit.
Honestly, I wish Ron DeSantis had run on this when he
was a presidential candidate.
This is a much better message than his platform
of wearing high heels and smiling like a demon
in a horror movie.
There's always 2028, Ron.
For more reaction on this social media ban,
we go to Josh Johnson in Tallahassee.
Josh.
[CHEERING]
Josh, I'll be honest, I don't hate this bill.
I think getting kids off social media
will benefit them in all sorts of ways--
cognitive development, better time
management, personal skills.
It's going to be great for them.
Yeah, Jordan, I couldn't agree more.
And that's the problem, OK?
If you kick kids off of social while the rest of us
stay on it, you're giving them a competitive advantage.
How am I going to compete against a well-rounded child
after social media has already broken me?
[LAUGHTER]
I have short-term memory loss, bad eyesight,
no attention span, crippling anxiety,
short-term memory loss.
[LAUGHTER]
And-- and, according to TikTok, all those symptoms
mean I might be pregnant.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, Josh, come on.
[CHEERING]
I'm pretty sure you can compete with a 14-year-old.
I can't.
I've been staring down at a phone for 20 years.
I can't even make strong eye contact.
Look.
[LAUGHTER]
Stop that.
Stop-- stop doing-- stop doing that.
Please, stop-- don't-- stop.
Don't ever do that again, Josh.
I don't know any other way.
OK.
I understand your concern, but you have to admit social media
is awful for kids.
They just spend all day bullying each other online.
Yeah, I get that.
But banning social media won't make the bully energy go away.
It will just redirect it to the rest of us, specifically me.
All right, I used to live across
from a middle school, Jordan.
I basically couldn't go outside after 3:00.
I was walking home one day in shorts.
And a kid in a wheelchair yelled at me, damn, I thought
my legs were [BLEEP] up.
JORDAN KLEPPER: OK.
[LAUGHTER]
Fair, but you are an adult. You can handle
a couple of accurate comments.
But there have been conclusive studies that social media
lowers kids' self-esteem.
What about my self-esteem?
A child said I look like a pedophile merged
with one of his victims.
[LAUGHTER]
And his friends said that they loved my performance
of "Fast Car" at the Grammys.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, yeah.
OK, yeah, yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
I guess I could see it.
You want to know what else they said?
Because they had more in the chamber.
I don't know what they said.
Maybe nice suit, did it come with a car seat?
Or you're like if Lil Wayne never rapped.
Or I didn't know adults came in fun size--
OK.
--something like that.
OK, Jordan, damn, you too?
Sorry.
It's just easy, OK?
So to be clear, you're saying you oppose this bill.
Yes.
In fact, it should be mandatory for these kids
to be on social media.
Every child's face should be glued to a screen
to protect me--
I mean, us when we walk home in jorts.
You can't argue with that.
Josh Johnson, everybody.
[CHEERING]