Welcome to The Daily Show.
I am Sarah Silverman, back by popular demand.
[cheering, applause]
Popular is my Nana's name.
I'm kidding, she's dead.
But it was her stripper name.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
so let's get right into headlines.
[music playing]
Let's kick things off with the reason
most of the people in this audience
could not sleep well last night.
A new poll shows Joe Biden getting
trounced by Donald Trump in almost every single
swing state.
Don't panic.
It's still too early to say Biden will definitely lose.
He could absolutely die in his sleep instead.
I'm just saying, this is really scary for liberals.
And I mean, actually scary.
Not like they took Hamilton off Disney+ scary.
But you know what?
I'm going to be honest.
I like a scary poll number.
Puts a little fire under your tuchus.
This is a wake up call to Joe Biden.
I mean, no, really.
[clapping]
Joe, wake up.
And what makes these poll numbers particularly shocking,
is that the man Biden is losing to is
currently on trial in every jurisdiction in America.
In fact, today in New York, former President Donald Trump
actually took the stand to defend against accusations
his company committed fraud.
And things went just about as well as you would expect.
Within minutes of Trump taking the stand,
a battle with the judge quickly unfolded.
Judge Arthur Engoron accused Trump
of making long-winded speeches, not answering questions,
and even threatened to excuse the former President.
The judge told defense attorneys,
quote, "I beseech you to control him, if you can.
If you can't, I will."
So far, I mean, Caitlin, it's fair to say,
this has really been a mess.
Here's one example.
When asked by prosecutors whether he was involved
in the preparation of key financial documents in 2021,
Trump's answer, "No.
I was dealing with China, Russia,
and keeping our country safe."
The New York Attorney General's lead lawyer then reminded him
he was not President in 2021.
Honestly, I get why he's confused.
I also get confused, because it feels like he was president
for a [bleep] 1,000 years.
I can't, I cannot even remember who
was president before Trump.
Like, was it a Rutherford B. Hayes or something?
I mean, of course, Trump isn't focused.
He's got like 17 other court cases he's dealing with.
He probably doesn't even know what he was in court for.
I bet he was on the stand like, is
this the insurrection one or the mushroom
dick porn star one?
And by the way, if I had Donald Trump under oath,
I wouldn't be wasting time asking
about financial statements.
This is my chance to find out the answers to every question
I've had about him ever.
Is there a Melania clone?
Is there a pee tape?
If you had to do a Sophie's Choice
with one of your adult sons, would it be both?
Let's move on, because as you know, ever since war broke out
in the Middle East, hate crimes have been on the rise
here in America.
Luckily, some of the people committing these hate crimes
are not the brightest candles in the menorah.
A woman faces charges, after confessing
to a crash targeting the Indianapolis Jewish community.
IMPD arrested Ruba Almaghtheh late Friday night.
Police say she drove into a building
and told officers she thought it was an Israel school,
and that she did it on purpose.
In fact, the building belongs to the Black Hebrew
Israelites, which is designated by the Anti-Defamation League
as an anti-Semitic hate group that
believes Jews are satanic.
Aww!
She meant to crash into a building full of Jews,
but ended up crashing into a building
full of people who hate Jews.
Like, what a meet cute.
Coming soon, the enemy of my enemy is my lover?
For real though, hate crimes are bad enough,
but what makes this even worse, is
that she's perpetuating the stereotype
that women are bad drivers.
This woman's troubles are just beginning.
Wait until she meets her public defender, Joel Rabinowitz.
Is he Jewy looking?
And finally, let's move on to Washington, DC,
where the new Speaker of the House
just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted he
and his son used software to monitor if the other
was watching porn.
My accountability partner right now is Jack, my
son, right.
And so he's 17.
So he and I get a report of all the things
that are on our phones, or all of our devices once a week.
If anything objectionable comes up,
your accountability partner gets an immediate notice.
The Louisiana Republican installed accountability
software called Covenant Eyes, so that he and his 17-year-old
son Jack would abstain from going
to X-rated internet sites.
The website promotes itself as a way to help
those with porn addictions.
Every superhero has strengths and weaknesses.
Superpower?
Strength.
My weakness?
Porn.
Wow, these Marvel movies are really running out of ideas.
Why is he a superhero whose weakness is porn?
Like, what is that origin story?
Did his parents die masturbating to horny MILFs?
Was he hit with a radioactive money shot?
And if Mike Johnson doesn't want
to encourage his son to masturbate,
why did he name him Jack?
[cheering, applause]
I mean, you should meet his other kids, Tug, and
his daughter, Finger Blast.
I blew that joke.
I'm sorry, there is no way this app is going
to stop people from masturbating,
especially 17-year-old boys.
17-year-olds don't need porn.
They can jerk off to anything.
His dad must be like, he really doesn't look at porn at all.
He just spends all his day browsing Ann Taylor Loft.
Seriously, don't use an app to find out
if your son is masturbating.
Just do it the old-fashioned way.
See if his sock shatters like an icicle.
For more on this story, we go live
to the Capitol and our political correspondent,
Michael Kosta.
[cheering, applause]
Now in full, the spirit of full transparency,
I chose Michael as my Covenant Eyes accountability
buddy, which means, if I look at online porn,
you'll get a notification.
Yeah.
And who better, Sarah, to trust with your most
private struggles than a random coworker
you only talk to on television?
Although to be clear, Sarah, we could be friends.
[laughs]
Oh, you're serious.
So, Michael, back to the story.
Doesn't this revelation ruin Mike Johnson's reputation
as a serious Speaker of the House?
Not at all, Sarah.
In fact, Mike Johnson is the kind of guy you want
holding the Speaker's gavel.
For one, he's got two free hands, we know that.
And secondly, do you know how much you can accomplish
when you're not wasting all your time
massaging the pig snout?
Plus, this gives him that pent up,
near bursting energy that says, I'm
a soft breeze away from exploding
all over this carpet, which--
which is helpful in a negotiating room,
especially if that room has carpet.
But the only downside here, is that Johnson might not,
oh, sorry, hold on.
I just got a notification from Covenant Eyes.
Sarah?
In the middle of my report, you're searching
for that kind of thing?
No, no, no, no, no, this is funny.
It's for Thanksgiving.
I was actually looking up a recipe for cream pie.
But, I'm sorry, inappropriate, I should not be on my phone.
You were talking about the Democrats?
No, I wasn't.
Although that's a good point.
This gives Joe Biden an opportunity to contrast
himself from Mike Johnson.
He could be the politician who's into porn.
He already kind of has the look.
He's got the slicked back hair.
He drives a Corvette.
He's always squinting like he just saw something he likes,
but he doesn't know why.
Sarah, if Biden can pull that off before,
oh, sorry, I'm buzzing, buzzing again.
Sarah!
I, what?
No, it's not porn, it's not porn.
I'm in the process of moving and I need two
guys to come and pack my box.
In horizontal mode?
Listen, let's talk about the security issue here.
This website is monitoring everything
Mike Johnson looks at.
That could include sensitive classified information.
Yeah, but that's the price we pay for moral rectitude.
Sure, Russia could hack into Covenant Eyes
and get access to our nuclear codes,
but I sleep a little easier at night knowing
Mike Johnson isn't seeing what's happening
to our nation's step moms.
Now, of course, he could take security measures
like, oh, God, hold on.
Sarah!
Seriously?
Oh, sorry.
I was genuinely curious if I could
play this game without coming in five seconds.
Could you?
Yes.
Michael Kosta, everybody.