- You want to do some things, man?
Alright, here we go, okay.
To get the dragon happening, I think we're,
hey man, you don't want to wake the dragon, man!
It's your boy, uh, EMS McGillicutty!
I'm a paramoji!
I don't know, man, every day we see
people doing the dumbest (beeps) you can imagine.
Hold my beer while I palalalalalala!
And every single day, we're still like whoa!
That is surprising!
One time this old lady tried to punch me and I'm like,
"(bleep), I haven't been disrespected this hard
"since some hobbits tried to steal my gold!"
♪ Frodo of the Nine Fingers ♪
Yeah, man, my favorite though is like, you get to call
at 3 a.m., and you're like, "What's going on, man?
"Yeah, I've been sick for like 10 years, man,
"but I need some help right now."
I'm like, "(bleep), I am going,
"if I weren't sworn to protect and serve you,
"I would burn you up with my pwaaa!"
Yeah, now it's an emergency!
It wasn't an emergency before, but now it's
a Parkland equation, rehydrate the burns emergency, okay?
I wish I could do that!
I tell you the other day, I picked up this guy,
and he was having chest pains, and I'm like,
"I'm gonna have to start pumping on the chest,
"and putting the ET tube, and the laryngeal mask airway,
"and all these other stuff," and I'm getting ready
for this, man, and I'm about to go in.
I'm, like, ready to crank this guy, man.
And the next thing you know, you hear this,
"Bratatatatata," and he jumps up,
and he's like, "That's my daughter's Quinceañera, man!
"Thanks for giving me the ride!" and he's out!
I'm like, "Man, you didn't even
"have the chest pain, did you?
"You were just using me as a cabulance, man!"
I'm like, "This is bull (beeps), man,
"because you didn't even offer me any tamales, bro,
"at your daughter's own Quinceañera.
"Wait 'til my daughter gets,
"she's, right now, she's just a cocoon,
"but when she pupates, man, she's gonna be beautiful!
"Daenerys, Daenerys (beeps)!"
God, people are so racist, man, they're like, "Why are you,
"you're Mexican, but you're a dragon?"
I'm like, "Look, man, don't stereotype!
"Not all dragons are Canadian!"
Man, people don't understand the social determinants
of health, man, they're calling 9-1-1
for a headache, but what they really want
is, like, a dragon just to talk to, man!
And I not, I'm here for you, bro!
Come sit in my ride!
You and I can talk, you racist piece of (beeps)!
You know what funny, man?
Anybody who's a newb on the ride, man,
he's always gets the worst patient.
It's not like we plan it, but I'm just saying,
we kind of plan it, man!
It's like we know, oh yeah, Blanche in 30
over there on the Irving Street, mm-hmm!
Hey noob, why don't you go take that dispatch, man?
(snickers)
Next thing you know, the entire back
of that cabulance is full of the stool and the pee-pee!
And I'm like, "Oh, you're gonna have to clean that, bro!"
(snickers)
Noob, noob-ass (beeps), noob-ass noob!
(snickers)
Listen, man, a lot of us get into this
because we like to fly really fast!
Woo woooo, we have the adrenaline, man!
And so we're like, "Yeah, we got a call, man?
"There's gonna be stuff going down!"
We show up; it's a nursing home, and it's Blanche,
who was found down in her own pee-pee,
and they want us to be the cabulance
to take her back to the ER where
she will get a secondary infection.
I'm like, "That's not what I do, man!
"What I do is woo woo woo!
"Adrenaline, man, we're going to save lives,
"not transport Blanche to the pee-pee factory."
I go to the nurse, and she's like,
"Look at this I.V., it's in the pinky,
"and it's like a 29-gage, and what's come..."
"Hey Dolores, did you ever stop to think that maybe
"I was putting the I.V. in a combative patient
"going 85 miles per hour in the back of a moving vehicle?
"Have you thought about that, man?
"Like, we're out in the field,
"like, the jaws of life, okay?
"Like, this is real!
"We don't get, like, we get minimum wage, okay?
"Like, I could make more money slangin' dope,
"but I don't do it because I don't want
"to go back to prison, but I'm gonna say this, man!
"Like, who gets the discounts at Sizzler?
"Police department?
"Fire department?
"Huh, do the EMTs, do the paramojis, get the discount?
"No way, man, we have to pay more
"'cause we don't look right in our suits!
"We come in in our zoot suits, and we're like,
"'Let's do this, okay, I want the all-you-can-eat scampis,'
"And they're like, 'That'll be $10 more
"'than we charge everyone else.'"
I'm-a give you some looks, people!
You see, this is called the Smoldering Angry Dragon Stare!
Anyways, man, what I'm saying is it's EMS week, man,
but every single week, we gotta appreciate how hard
those of us on the front lines who are taking care
of your mother & your daughter & your little dragon eggs.
How hard we work, man, for minimum wage!
We care a lot, some of us do it for our whole careers.
- [Man] Sir, sir, sir, uh, what you orderin'?
- Oh, snap, it's, I forgot I was going
through the drive-through, me & my partner are hungry, man!
Hold on, hold on!
Yeah, give me, like, 3,000 chalupas
and, like, don't skimp on the fire sauce!
I mean, like, inferno, man!
Look at me, I'm a dragon!
I need some powers in my gizzards to make the wah!
So like 2,000 fire sauces.
- [Man] Your order's gonna be $9,677.
- 9,000 what?
No, uh, ain't nobody got time for that, okay?
Woo woo woo!
(mellow funk music)
♪ Rude! ♪
You know, and now since they legalized weed, man,
everybody's crashing, they're all high,
and they don't know what to do
when they see the woo woo woo!
They go, "Oh, look at that, bro.
"You see the lights, man."
(imitates the sound of tires screeching and car crashing)
Pay attention to us when we're on the road, man!
I don't care if you're high, I don't care
if you took some
♪ Hits from the bong. ♪
(beat boxes)
♪ Hits from the bong! ♪
♪ Came to get high! ♪
♪ Hits from the bong! ♪
♪ Pick it, pack it, fire it up! ♪
Oh, did you say, fire?
Bwah!
Sorry, bro, I can't help myself sometimes.
Don't you know I'm loco?