I was listening to a podcast this morning as I was on my morning walk.
And it was all about how the science of relationships work.
And one of the things that really stuck out to me as being really not
helpful information was the person being interviewed,
kept coming back to saying, "well, if you want to have a happy relationship,
here is what your partner needs to do." But here's why that
isn't helpful. And doesn't work.
Because you can't control what your spouse or your partner or whoever it is in
your life does. You can only control what you do. And in this video,
I am going to explain some of the things that we can start asking ourselves and
things we can do to move forward.
When we feel like our spouse isn't making us happy.
So stick around. I'll get into that in just a minute. But first,
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we release something new. Another thing I want to let you know real quick,
before we dive into the meat of today's video is we have a free mini course that
we're offering at marriage helper on how to get your spouse to talk to you.
It's free.
And the principles that we teach in it are so good and so applicable to no
matter what situation your marriage is in.
If your spouse is emotionally disengaged from you,
physically gone or disengaged, whatever that might look like,
the tips and tools that you're going to learn in this free mini course will help
make change in your relationships. So be sure you get that now.
So what do you do if you're in a situation where your spouse isn't making you
happy? Well,
here's the first thing I believe we can do when we're in that situation. First,
let me share with you. That was my perception.
The first four years of my marriage,
I definitely was viewing my relationship and my husband as
needing to be what would make me happy.
I was seeing him as what should be the source of my happiness.
And let me tell you what happened with that. If he would come home angry,
then I would automatically wonder what I did wrong.
And it probably had nothing to do with me,
but I was internalizing it because I was so fixated on getting my joy,
my happiness, my hope from him and how he was acting;
how he was responding to me. If we had a bad day,
I took that totally on myself because I was getting my self worth and how I
thought about myself from him. From his actions, from his reactions.
And that is what leads to an unhealthy relationship.
And it was unhealthy because I was putting expectations on my husband that were
completely unrealistic and impossible for him to do.
No one person is responsible for making me happy.
I can't even make myself happy most of the time,
much less someone who doesn't live inside my body and have access to everything
going on in my brain.
So why was I putting so much stress and pressure on my husband?
Most of which he was unaware that I was placing that much on him.
And it's because that is what I believed.
That's what we see in movies and in society.
That we should be with someone who makes us happy.
Here's how I want to flip the script on that,
to what actually happens and what research validates and what we can actually
have influence in, in our lives,
in our relationships to be able to move forward.
The only person who can make me happy, actually,
I don't know that there's anyone who can, because like I said before,
I can't even make me happy, but here's what I can do.
I can begin to do the things to make sure that I'm in the best place that
I can be, without depending on my husband to do that.
Instead of focusing and relying and depending on him to do everything to make me
happy, to base my emotions off of what he is doing,
the better thing to do is for me to learn how to have positive emotions,
how to see happiness and see joy in every experience that I'm having
in my life on a day-to-day basis.
Learning how to cultivate that within myself and not trying to get it
from him, from my marriage, from one person or one situation.
What we teach at marriage helper is the way that people can begin to do this is
by working on your PIES, the physical, intellectual, emotional,
and spiritual aspects of attraction.
For me to be the best that I can be,
starts with me doing things to make changes within myself.
Not me sitting around thinking about all the ways I wish my husband would do
things differently so I would be happy.
But me actually going out and doing things to become happier in my life.
And let's just put an asterisk here because I feel like in today's society,
I have to make this disclaimer that when I'm talking about doing things to make
you happy, I'm not talking about at the expense of your values, your beliefs,
your family, or at your marriage,
but doing things that make you happy that are wholesome and ethical,
and that are going to be what's good for your family and for your marriage.
So going out to get a massage every once in a while,
going out to spend time with the girlfriends or going to a game night with the
guys, because that's what's going to help fill your cup.
Instead of putting so much pressure on your spouse,
to be the sole person who provides these things for you.
There is a false belief in culture today that if you're not happy in this
relationship,
you just need to leave and find a different relationship with someone who's
going to make you happy. But here's the truth.
No one person is going to be able to make you happy.
And if you're unhappy in the marriage that you're in right now,
the best thing you can do is start by focusing on improving yourself.
Even research shows that that has a direct correlation with increasing the
satisfaction of your relationship. Now,
I'm not saying that you should just be destined to stay in a forever unhappy
marriage.
I hope that you and your spouse can get to the point where you create strong and
more satisfying relationship in marriage than ever before.
But what I am saying is that I do not believe that leaving your
spouse or leaving your marriage should be the first, second, third,
even in the top 25 things that you do in order to seek
happiness.
I'm saying that there are hundreds of things that can happen for you to do that
will make yourself better, and make your relationship better,
before ever even considering divorce or moving onto a different relationship.
That's what I encourage you to do. If you're unhappy in your relationship,
begin by looking inward,
because the only person that you can control is yourself and ask what things you
can begin to do physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually,
that will move you towards feeling more joyful and content.
Even if the situation in your marriage is leading you to feel otherwise.
And as you're doing that,
as you're working on your PIES and becoming the best that you can be,
then a secondary benefit to this will be that it brings your spouse around.
Your spouse begins to see changes in you,
and hopefully wants to make changes in themselves as well.
But it's also during this process that you're going to learn more about
yourself.
You're going to end up changing because you aren't going to be putting so much
pressure on your spouse to make you happy.
And that is going to end up making a huge difference in your marriage.
Long-term.
So the biggest takeaway is to see that there are possibilities for ways that
you can take control of your happiness and begin doing things that will lead you
to a more joy-filled life now,
and not depending on someone else to do it for you.
And it begins by working on your PIES.
You can find out more about how we help marriages@marriagehelper.com.
Be sure to subscribe to this channel because we are doing videos like this,
that have information that will help you right now, multiple times per week.
You'll also want to be sure that you get that free mini course.
We talk even more about the PIES like I've already talked about,
but we also talk about how to change the communication in your relationship for
the better as well.
So be sure to click the screen and get that free mini course.
Now you can find more@marriagehelper.com and you can always call our office and
schedule a time to speak with one of our client relations representatives by
calling (866) 903-0990.
You can also schedule one of those sessions to speak with one.
You can also schedule a time to speak with one of our client relations reps for
more on what we do on our website@marriagehelper.com.
And if you want to get some more real,
tangible tips and information on how you can work on your PIES on a daily basis,
be sure to check out my podcast,
"It starts with attraction." Where every week I'm talking and interviewing
people, doing my own shows that I have,
where I'm giving you things that you can do physically, intellectually,
emotionally, spiritually, to continue to become a better person.
So go and subscribe to "It starts with attraction" on wherever you listen to
podcasts and be sure to leave a review.
And that will enter you for a chance to win one of my PIES courses,
but would love to have you be a listener, too. It starts with attraction.
[Inaudible].