Hey, Chris!
You wanted to talk to me about something?
Yeah, Ryan, er, please take a seat.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, I don't think this is working out.
What?
Right here.
This 'me, you'...I'm just not happy.
Wait...are you trying to fire me?
Well...I don't technically have the authority to fire you.
No, you don't.
What I'm trying to get at, Ryan, is I want a separation.
I want a break.
Yeah I'm - I'm still not getting it. What -
I want a divorce.
Are you married?
No, I - Ryan...I want a co-worker divorce. Okay?
I don't want us interacting.
I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't wanna even like - smell you.
So, I just think it would be the best thing for both of us.
Look, I have a lot of work to do.
This is a huge waste of my time.
No, I -
Can we just wrap this up?
Let's just get our affairs in order, and then we'll go our separate ways.
What affairs?!
[Door creaks]
This supposed to be your lawyer?
You don't have to answer that.
Chris you realise that Kerry also works here and has zero legal knowledge.
Umm - legally I am required to tell you that I don't have any experience or knowledge on the matter.
Whatsoever.
First off: my client is willing to give you full access to the break room on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.
That being said, as the matriarch of this relationship, he is going to be fighting for custody of your office.
You are NOT taking my office.
As a show of good faith, we'd like to offer you unrestricted access to the stapler.
Chris - fuck your stapler.
Ryan could you watch your goddamn mouth? There's a lawyer present.
Okay, here's what we can do, Ryan:
You will be given partial custody of you office. You will be given visitation rights every other weekend.
That is a very generous offer.
Chris, I'll burn the building down with you in it before I give you that office.
Did you - did you hear that?
Can we put - can we strike that from the record please?
We want it on the record. That's good for us.
Okay can we have that underlined on the record?
Who are you talking to?!
Look Ryan, I'm sorry that I fell out of love with you. But this is not about you.
It's about the kids.
What kids?
Do you mean MY kids?
Yes, our kids.
Chris - they are in no way your children.
Oh! Oh yeah. Just because I'm not the biological mother doesn't mean they're not my kids?
Chris, getting drunk at Applebee's and vomiting on them doesn't constitute raising them.
It does in my country, son!
Where are you from?!
And let me tell you something, Mr Perfect Father, you're the one who abandoned our kids this morning!
You took them to that weird building and just left them there!
Chris, what are you talking about, I haven't taken - are you talking about school?
They would still be there if I hadn't gone and gotten them.
You what?!
Chris you did not - how did you get my -
Err...Chris?
Who's that?
I don't know who this is.
Is this not your kid?
Did you just kidnap some random child?
I'm tired of your games Ryan. I'm damned tired of your games, okay?!
You need to just pack your stuff and leave!
Give me my daughter right now!
You're leaving her!
I am the law!
In cases like this, when there are two parents and the child is young enough...we let the child decide.
What? This is ridiculous.
Now, sweetie, who would you rather have Ryan's office?
Ryan? Or -
[Briefcase opening]
Mommy?
Look, I have got a lot of work to do. Cindy, come on sweetie, we gotta go.
Ryan's daughter? Listen, I just want you to know, no matter who you pick, I will always love you.
And I have chocolate.
Sweetie, that's a crazy person, okay? Just come on -
This is good!
Don't take candy from strangers, okay?
Woah what? Is this a toy?
That looks like it came from the dollar store! Come on sweetie.
[Alien noises]
This guy is kinda cool, I think he'd look good in our new office.
I am your father. Come on.
I'm your mother! I will -
He is not your mother.
Shut your goddamn mouth.
Don't talk that way infront of our - my daughter!
We can have a party over here! Come on!
No. Cindy!
Oh she picked me! Yeah!
D'you wanna go watch cartoons in the new office?
Yeah!
Yeah, let's go!
Cindy...
I expect your things out by Monday.
If you need a lawyer for the appeal, I'm available.
Kerry - you just assisted in kidnapping a child. You're going to jail.
I'll see you in court.
I'll see you in hell.
Maybe my wife won't notice.
Hey! Can I call you Cindy now?
If you liked that, why don't you watch McKinley the werewolf slayer?
Or the Lazer Team teaser?
Or the gift that keeps on giving and just subscribe.