-The top ten summer transfers of all time -This list better contain some of my awesome
drafts at Chelsea Franchise Club!
-Number 10 We cannot - we cannot replace him.
We cannot…
FOOLED THEM!
We can and we did!!!
HAHA!
Erling Haaland!
Golden boot winner, treble winner and record goals in my first season!
All for the bargain price of “70m” - fooled them again!
HAHA!
He’s way better than Jesus!
WHAT?!
He’s way better than Nunez!
WHAT?!
Que?
OW!
And he’s way better than Kane!
WHAT?!
NO HE’S NOT!!!
Thanks for turning down our bids, Daniel!
Ow, we cannot replace you, Harry.
OW!
We cannot… sobs
Number 9
Our latest galactico is a world-class attacker!
Oooooo He scores incredible goals!
Ooooo And he’s an incredible dribbler!
Ooooo I give you…
Eden Hazard!
Gareth Bale!
Hala Cardiff!
Er, you mean Hala Madrid No I don’t
Oh.
I signed for a world record fee of 100m Euros, that was even more than Ronaldo cost
WHAT?
I DEMAND THAT LINE IS CUT FROM THE FINAL EDIT!
I left Real Madrid with a bunch of trophies… and scored the greatest Champions League goal ever
CUT!!!
Number 8 Ruud van Nistelrooy to Man United
What?
No Wayne, it’s you - Rooney to Man United Oh, that makes more sense.
Jeez, reading upside down is difficult.
We signed Wayne for £30m when he was just 18
18?
No, according to this shirt I’m 8 That’s not your age, Wayne.
That’s your bloody squad number.
Oh…
Fortunately Wayne’s football intelligence on the pitch was a damn-sight better
He won the lot whilst becoming United’s number one ever scorer
I even scored with Sir Alex’s wife
WHAT? I was on about what you did on the pitch I did her on the pitch
What?
We snuck in one night when no-one else was here
Och, jings crivvens help ma boab…
I think I’m gonna be sick I’m joking, Sir Alex
Oh thank god We did it in your bed
WHAT?!
Number 7 Mohammed Salah to Liverpool for £36.9m.
What a waste of money!
We’ll see about that, Jose… 6 years later, I’ve won the lot…
What a great use of money!
Haha!
See, I always knew you’d be world class What?
You sold me!
No, I BOUGHT you!
Chelsea were the ones that sold you.
Ha, typical Jose.
Mohammed, how about you return to your beloved Roma with me?
No way!
Yeah, no way Fine - then I’ll look forward to knocking
you out of the Europa League next season!
CRAP EL SHAARAWY!
YOU’RE JUST A CRAP EL SHAARAWY!
Hahahahahahaha!
Number 6 Thierry Henry to Arsenal in 1999
For just 11 million!
Nice shoulder pads Arsene Merci Thierry
Arsenal record scorer, a record 4 golden boots, highest Prem goal ratio ever and most assists
ever in a Premier league season.
Invincible Thierry won it all at Arsenal!
Apart from the Champions League Yes, well apart from the Champions League
And apart from the UEFA Cup, Club World Cup and UEFA Super Cup…
Yes, well obviously…
And apart from winning the hand in marriage of Kate Abdo
Damn you Jose, now look what you’ve done…
Ahhhoohohooo, Kate Abdo!
-Number 5 -Kylian Mbappe from Monaco to PSG
-We signed Kylian “on loan” from Monaco in 2017.
-Good ebening, Kylian…
-GOOD EBENING KYLIAN!!!
-Champions Leagues here we come!
-THE CHAMPIONS!!!
-6 years later and the only chance I have of winning the Champions League is to join
Real Madrid…
I’m out of here!
-gasp -I’ll sell you over my dead body!
-Then I’ll leave on a free next summer!
-I’ll let you leave on a free over my… dead…
-Well I’m leaving too!!!
-Yes, that’s totally fine -WHAT?!
-Number 4 -Robert Lewandowski to Bayern Munich
-Lewandowski?
More like Lewandowsk-free
*sneeze*
-You know?
Lewandowsk-free?
-We won the Bundesliga every single season I was here and I racked up 344 goals
-And that’s why I called him Lewan-goal-ski.
-Does anyone have a tissue?
-Ja - I know a member of staff who can get one…
-Hey Siri, call the Hankie Chief…
hahaha -This is going to be a long 8 years…
-My mum always said life was like tissue You're either on a roll or you're taking crap
from people.
HAHAHAHA!
Number 3 -Neymar from Barca to PSG
-What?!
-We’re history!
-NO!
-COME BACK!
-We’re never ever ever getting back together -222m Euros!!!!
OW!
I became the most expensive signing in world football!
And I still am!
-We’re going to sports-wash, I mean, dominate European football!
-YIPPEE!
-You’re going to win multiple Ballon d’Ors!
-YIPPEE!
-You’re going to let him take annual holiday for his sister’s birthday for the duration
of his contract!
-We are?
-YOU ARE!!!
-WE ARE!
-YIPPEE!!!
-But sadly only the annual holiday for my sister’s birthday came true…
-Worst.
Signing.
Ever.
-But Barcelona went from strength to strength!
Signing Ousman Demebele…
-Forca Barca!
-Philippe Coutinho!
-Forca Barca!
-And Anotine Griezmann!
-Forca Barca!
-As I said - we went from strength to strength!
-You’re being sarcastic right?
-Yes, I’m totally being sarcastic.
-What?
-Worst.
Signings.
Ever.
Number 2 -Luis Suarez to Barcelona
-We nearly won the league Stevie, okay?
And once Luis touches down we’ll make plans for next season!
-Ladies and gentlemen, the flight from Brazil has been redirected to Barcelona.
-What?!
-We apologise for the inconvenience.
Don’t buy The Sun.
-And the rest as they say… -…is history
-Don’t worry Stevie okay - we may have lost Louis, but we’re getting Mario Balotelli!
-Oh no, can it get any worse?
-And Ricky Lambert!
-Yes, yes it can…
And the best summer transfer ever is…
-Ronaldo to Real Madrid - uno, dos, tres, HALA MADRID!
I became Madrid’s top ever goalscorer with 450 goals
2 liga titles, 2 Copa Del Reys, 5 Ballon d’Ors, 4 champions leagues
SIU!!!!
-And the best part - we’ll sell him to Juventus for £116m Euros when he’s over the hill!
-WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!
-Well this Top 5 was a pile of horse-crap.
442oons ball knowledge is even worse than mine.
Everyone knows the number one summer transfer of all time is… drum roll…
Neymar Junior to Chelsea for 300m!
-YIPPEE!
We made a profit.
-QUICK CUT!
He’s showing us a depiction of his profit!