[CHEERING]
[VOCALIZING]
Ha! Ha!
Ha!
Hey.
[APPLAUSE]
Welcome to the number one show on late night.
Right.
The boys are back in town, Desus and Mero.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah!
Another Thursday-- let's get it; let's go.
We're going to make an amazing show.
Yes, Yoursday, you cowards, we have
returned to bless you with pop culture
knowledge and local news.
That's right you're going to get
the finest news we could clear.
[LAUGHTER]
- Showtime Legal-- - Exactly.
They be spending money, baby.
Right, to clear us--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Out here.
Let's move.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
[CHEERING]
Julia, you got-- you still got your heater?
JULIA: No, because it's so nice out.
It's so nice, right?
(SINGING) Beautiful day.
It's a beautiful day, but is it not too
early for it to be this nice?
Yo, Greta Thunberg called me up.
She was like, (SWEDISH ACCENT) it's very hot.
[LAUGHTER]
Should not be this hot.
And I was like, how are you?
You got hit by a bike.
JULIA: [LAUGHS]
And she's like, I'm OK.
I'm all right.
Just a couple of scar scars.
JULIA: [LAUGHS]
It's good.
I'm fine. - That's right.
She's from the land of Thor.
It's always cold there, in the land of Thor and Asgard.
Asgard, right?
[LAUGHTER]
"Ass guard" be something totally different like,
you know what mean?
That's something in Rikers.
Righty-o.
[LAUGHS]
That's why you get liquid soap.
Yo, this is my man. He's my ass-guard.
You know what I'm saying?
We in the shower.
Right?
I got him onto my deodorant.
Watch my back while I wash my back.
[LAUGHS]
JULIA: OK, folks--
[LAUGHS] JULIA: You--
Look at Julia trying to be the teacher getting
the rowdy kids in a classroom.
You're a substitute.
We don't respect you.
Guys.
JULIA: You never have.
She wrote her name on the board.
Boo.
Listen-- all substitute teachers--
if you put your first name on the board, you're getting
something thrown at you.
DESUS NICE: Exactly.
I'm Mr. Rob.
Get the fuck out of here!
[LAUGHTER]
We only got to deal with you for 40 minutes.
We don't respect you.
We don't care about you.
You know what I'm saying?
You came in with jeans, ugh.
[LAUGHS] You came in jeans and the monarchs, goddammit.
I'm love how everyone watching the show is like,
didn't you guys graduate, like, 50 years ago?
[LAUGHS]
No, I got--
We went to school when there were scantrons.
All right.
[LAUGHS]
JULIA: All right, since you're talking about ass-guards,
I guess let's just do this.
DESUS NICE: Mm!
THE KID MERO: Oh, shit!
Whoa!
DESUS NICE: Hey, "Sean Murphy's butt is baseball's breakout
star after hit by pitch."
Yo, Christopher Meloni's somewhere steaming right now.
[LAUGHTER]
Coming next on stage is is starlets.
Yeah, Sean Murphy, poking it out.
That's a jiggle, right?
He said, yo, this is how I do a squat?
[LAUGHS] He's like, you got to arch your back.
He's like, listen, uh it's a 3-2 pitch, and I don't think
you're ready for this.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow.
The pitcher's taking-- the pitcher's taking a flick like,
yo-- he's like, baseball flow.
JULIA: [LAUGHS]
Somebody's going to screenshot this and take this--
take this to a doctor for a BBL, like,
oh, make it look like this.
I want this-- fuck it.
I don't want it to look like that shit.
Make it look real.
I want to look like Sean Murphy.
Yeah, those are strong cheeks.
Yo, you take a 90-mile rock to the cheeks?
Yo, God damn, and it was the right cheek.
That's-- that's just a hand slap if you off the Henny.
That's all I'm saying.
[LAUGHS]
You come back from a bottomless brunch and, you
know--
Hey.
You're leaving welts.
Yo, my man, that shit separated his butt cheeks, bro.
It hit the right butt cheek, and it created separation.
[LAUGHTER]
Like seismic vibration.
Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yo!
Damn.
The man's working it.
He has the OnlyFans?
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS] That's premium content, brother.
Come on, now.
JULIA: How about some nostalgia goss?
Oh, OK.
Oh, shit.
DESUS NICE: Hey.
(SINGING) J. Lo and Ben Affleck are engaged again.
DESUS NICE: This is--
"Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have
gotten engaged for a second time,
after calling off their prior pledge in 2004."
Oh, you know what he called it off for.
You know what I'm saying?
He's like, I got to fucking rage, bro.
Yeah.
Let's go Red Sox, bro.
Red Sox-- they won, bro.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
They come back.
They were down by three.
You're from the Bronx?
Fuck you, you fucking crazy broad.
Ah!
Now give me some of my cocaine.
Ah!
Allegedly.
This is bad.
This is going to get every person trying
to get back with their ex. THE KID MERO: Oh, yeah.
If they could get back together--
THE KID MERO: Oh, if they could do it, we could do it.
Look, J.Lo and Ben-- they worked it out.
They got back together.
Come on, Ben Affleck smoked--
It's been 10 years-- [INTERPOSING VOICES]
--just has to get over it.
[LAUGHS] Wow.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, it's only been-- my mother, though.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm saying, she got the Sean Murphy leak.
[LAUGHS]
You can tell she's from the Bronx.
She's got way too much lip gloss.
Yo.
That's what you put on a 6 train--
She's got Lipsmackers.
You just take it and go, ahh.
Very personal story to tell that I want to share here.
Um.
I'm engaged!
[LAUGHS]
Bro, this is like having a fifth baby shower.
[LAUGHS] Oh, it's true.
It's like--
It's true. When you--
Yay!
--go to her invite, it's like an autofill.
It's like, yeah, same shit from last year.
Joe Montana same address.
Yep, yep, yep.
Same people.
I know A-Rod was rubbing his hands through
his highlights like, fuck.
He's like, ugh.
[LAUGHTER]
He's like, you know what?
The Timberwolves won, man, so it's OK.
It's all right. I'm still pretty.
[LAUGHS]
Ooh, that ring is tacky.
Ooh, baby.
I say that as a broke person in retrospect to what she is,
but--
Goddamn.
You get that from Third Avenue?
You know what's crazy-- when you get so rich that
you buy a ring that looks fake.
- Yeah. - You know what I'm saying?
Like--
This is big gumball machine energy, like--
Yo.
Yo, Ben put 25 cents in the machine--
Oh, my God.
--and there we go again.
Oh, man.
JULIA: Allegedly valued at $10 million.
Goddamn!
Ben Affleck got $10 million?
You can do more--
of course.
Oh, yeah, he had the nipples on the Batman suit.
That's true. - Yeah.
JULIA: $150 million.
Goddamn!
He's worth $150 million.
She's worth, like, $220, something like that?
You know she's like--
Research.
$400 million.
$400 M's?
Yo.
[APPLAUSE]
Goddamn.
OK.
I see why she come back to the Bronx.
I get it.
Like, listen--
Like, yo.
Is that an emerald?
Or is that like a new stone?
Bro, it's Ted Williams's wedding ring.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a Fenway rock.
That's right.
It's part of the Green Monster.
JULIA: It's a green diamond. - It's what?
JULIA: Green diamond.
Oh, it's a green diamond.
Diamonds come in green now?
Wow.
That's real rich and shit there.
All right, I got to talk to my man at Zales.
[LAUGHS]
Excuse me, Kay Jewelers?
Do you have green diamonds?
Hey, Steve, cancel the Pandora bracelet.
JULIA: [LAUGHS]
It's got a chop cheese icon, Tims, a Yankee fitted.
It's very sad.
[LAUGHS]
Ben came in, and he got down on one knee,
and he said some things.
He was like, yo, I'm drunk.
JULIA: [LAUGHS]
Yo.
- Yo. - Yo.
Yo, I got to-- - Yo, you Puerto Rican.
Made me a burrito.
[LAUGHTER]
I want a quesadilla.
Let's go.
Don't make me call Matt.
Ah.
[LAUGHS]
Second chance at true love.
Yo, like, we get it.
Y'all engaged.
The fucked up shit about this is she's
like, it's a green diamond.
And then she's like-- and I'm like, OK, what's the story?
She's like, no, that's it.
It's just a green diamond.
This is a couple next to you at BBQs
while you're having a break up.
Like, yo, not right now. - Nah, please.
- Not right now. - Please.
Y'all too happy.
So you're taking the cat?
Diamond.
I love--
My favorite color.
It's also my lucky color.
Obviously, it will be my lucky color forever now.
- Forever now. - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
For the next year and a half.
[LAUGHTER]
Listen, when your marriage can be measured in cryptocurrency,
you're like, ah, I don't know.
- [LAUGHS] - I don't know.
We'll see next year.
Shit was down, and so was my marriage.
Watch, next year, she's going to be married to Pete Davidson.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm not wrong.
It's like, yo, my girl is a lawyer.
Shh-shh. My girl is Puerto Rican.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, technically, at this point, Kim K is, so--
[LAUGHS]
Yo. - She went to see the island.
You know what I'm saying? That's it.
She's official.
She looks like every mannequin on Fordham Road.
Right?
The sexy ones you look at too long.
Yeah, uh-huh.
I'm like, why are your nipples hard?
You're a mannequin.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm like-- so like, you're forever 21?
Like-- [LAUGHS]
It means so much when somebody really--
What is this guerrilla filmmaking, bro?
Yo, Ben's like, bro, come on, man.
The Celtics are in the playoffs, man.
Fuck.
Ben Affleck is not valid indictment.
[LAUGHS]
Yo, he's about to pop out like, Joe Byron.
[LAUGHTER]
You owe me money.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
J. Lo, come give me a kiss, baby.
JULIA: [LAUGHS]
J. Lo, take me out to dinner.
I love you, too.
I love you, too thought.
He's probably butt naked, like--
[LAUGHTER]
--with, like, a-- a little vodka soda.
He's looking for--
you know when you got drunk and you're looking
water-- he's like, oh, God.
God.
Oh.
Do I have to drink the coffee machine water?
Fuck.
[LAUGHS]
Did that come out?
I'm seeing, allegedly.
[LAUGHS]
Allegedly, he's a drunk.
JULIA: All right, we have more nostalgia goss.
More nostalgia-- oh, wow.
THE KID MERO: Oh, shit Britney.
It's Britney, bitch. DESUS NICE: That's right.
THE KID MERO: "Britney Spears says she's
pregnant with her third child."
Says the pop star who's a slave--
40-- says she's expecting a baby--
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
"The singer announced the news herself Monday on Instagram."
[LAUGHTER]
Also, who the fuck is Sam Asghari?
Her baby father.
Oh, OK.
Oh, wow, he shot the club up. All right.
- [GASPS] - OK.
Oh, wait, you can't say that anymore, right?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
He ejaculated inside her.
Gross.
Yo, having sex with Britney Spears has got to be wild.
Yo, she's doing choreography.
She's probably got a snake and shit.
Yeah, man.
Yo.
Pharrell's in the back making a beat, like--
[LAUGHTER]
So wait, how many kids does she have now?
Two? JULIA: This is her third.
Yo.
This is her third?
Yo, shout to Kevin Federline, dog.
Wow, I haven't heard that name in, like, 20 years.
Damn.
What was his-- he had a song?
What was his song?
Britney?
JOSH: Wasn't it Popozao?
Popozao!
[LAUGHS] Oh, wow.
How did Josh know that?
Yo, that's on his playlist.
Also, if Josh is fighting the cocaine allegations,
that does not help.
Yo, no, he's a Brazilian.
Popozao, Popozao.
Yo, you got the Kevin Federline?
Let's fucking go.
Come on, bro.
Let's do a couple Kevin Federlines.
You know what I'm saying?
[LAUGHS] This is the most ridiculous shit ever.
[LAUGHS]
Probably not, no. Not on this shit.
- Oh, yeah, no, no. - We've had--
Way more.
We've had way more ridiculous shit.
We've had Joe Biden on.
[LAUGHS] He's like, I like those guys.
He was like, I love being on "The Breakfast Club."
Where's Angela Yee?
I was like, no.
You know I was friends with Judd Nelson
that was on "Breakfast Club."
He was good on that.
I was like, wrong "Breakfast Club," Joe.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, but shout out to Britney, you know?
You know.
Just having babies.
That's the wave now.
Shout to everyone watching the show.
Hope you all get pregnant.
That's the end-- oh, go ahead.
That was you.
[LAUGHS] Don't get pregnant.
That's the other--
Now you're saying--
now you're saying, don't get pregnant.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
OK, all right.
OK.
I'm like the guy from "Get Out."
Get out.
You don't understand.
And that is in the womb, y'all.
Let's start the motherfucking show.
Let's go.
Yeah.
[CHEERING]
THE KID MERO: Whoo!