I didn't realize that we were
actually possibly going
to be able to get a home,
that my wife is tremendously
good with finances and everything
like that.
I was not for a long time.
I'm better now.
But I could definitely tell my wife
could tell that she was going
to need to do some
of the heavy lifting.
We hadn't been dating for too long,
and then I got laid off.
And I said to her--
I was like, hey, sweetheart, don't
worry.
I've been poor before.
It's totally not that bad.
(audience laughing)
One of those phrases-- when you hear
the final word leave you're mouth,
you're like, that wasn't right.
And that's not what she wanted
to hear.
(audience laughing)
Because I always thought that I
would be better at money.
I think I'm a fairly smart dude.
I remember, early on, when I was
young finding out what my IQ was,
and then somebody else said to me--
"hey, don't get bogged down in just
"one number.
"One number doesn't dictate
"how smart you are or--
(audience laughing)
"--how good you are at one thing."
Then I learned what a credit score
was.
And I learned that's just one number
that really does dictate how smart
you are at one thing.
(audience laughing)
And if you haven't been paying
attention, it's too late, already.
(audience laughing)
I feel better about money stuff now.
I feel like I'm a little bit more
put together.
I once dated a girl that was almost
too good with money things,
at the time, for me.
She was the actual branch manager
of a bank.
So she would come home
with financial problems.
She'd be like, "oh, there's
"so many people
"out there overdrawn."
And I'd have to be like--
(audience laughing)
Those are my people, actually.
(audience laughing)
I didn't know anything
about finance.
So even on our first dates,
she'd be telling me about her day
and using all kinds of banking
terms--
APR, HELOC loans, refinancing.
I had to finally stop her and be
like, hold on a second.
I got to ask you one question,
and I'm sure you probably get this
all the time.
But do you get a deal on money?
How does that work?
(audience laughing)
So a secret Jamba Juice menu
that you ask for, and they give you
an extra $20, or do they give you
a bag of the day-old money
they were going to throw away?
(audience laughing)
She said to me,
"you know what your problem is?
"You don't make a budget.
"You should make a budget
"for yourself every month."
I was like, I don't need to make
a budget, sweetie.
It's gone every month.
(audience laughing)
That's not a problem.
It's not like I can't spend it.
It's just gone.
(audience applauding)
It's not like I have a bunch left
over I don't know where to invest
or anything
and just buy candy online.
(audience laughing)
But I did do that.
I did just buy candy online
and had it delivered, which--
I swear.
I could see the six-year-old version
of myself be like, nice.
(audience laughing)
I also realized, at some point,
I didn't need to have
a lot of money.
I just needed to have enough money
so that, when I went to Subway
and they asked for my debit card,
my buttocks wouldn't tighten up
quite so much.
(audience laughing)
That was my goal, because, honestly,
it's a shady sort of point when it
gets to that.
Your food's already
ready by the time they ask
for the payment.
So that can be awkward if you're not
able to produce anything else.
All I carried was just cash,
debit card--
credit card ship sailed a long time ago.
I did come up with one idea.
If your debit card is ever declined
at a Subway, just pretend you are
going through a really messy
breakup.
So they were like, "all right,
"that'll be $7.40."
You hand them your debit card.
They swipe it.
They're like, "OK, whoops, that's
"actually not going through."
You can be like, really?
Unbelievable.
Pull out your phone.
Really, Karen?
My debit card?
Are you kidding me?
I'm sorry, and then walk out.
It's very awkward.
They won't ask any more questions.
But you do need to find
a new Subway.
(audience laughing)
They're everywhere, so that's not
bad.
(audience laughing)