- The winning, the witch hunts the fire, the fury.
It's the Best Presidency Ever!
(Upbeat music)
- A little known fact: I was asked
to perform at the Trump inauguration.
That's how bad it was.
- This was the largest audience to
ever witness an inauguration, period.
- When Kellyanne said they had the largest audience ever
and she should have clarified.
We have the largest audience ever
for a three doors down concert.
- Don't be so overly dramatic about it, Chuck.
What - you're saying it's a falsehood
and they're giving Sean Spicer,
our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that.
- That is the most incredible argumentative
tool ever created.
Babe, babe, babe, I don't know her.
She's, she's an alternative fact.
- When Kellyanne Conway said they had alternative facts,
that's really when I wished I lived
in an alternative country with an alternative leader
who provided an alternative...
to fascism.
- Trump lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.
- The president believes unsubstantiated
and widely debunked theories
that millions of people voted fraudulently.
- So he spent a lot of time and effort and resources
trying to prove voter fraud, which he never did.
- The president does believe that
he has stated that before.
I think he stated his concerns: voter fraud
and people voting illegally during the campaign.
- Trump picked Betsy DeVos
for the Secretary of Education.
- Guys, like Trump, she's an outsider.
That's the whole point.
Being unqualified is her qualification.
- That's like me being,
like, I would like to perform open heart surgery.
I think I would do a deece job.
- It's good to have Secretary DeVos
someone who's finally addressing the real problems
in education.
- Grizzly bear attacks.
- You can't say definitively today
that guns shouldn't be in schools.
- Well, I will refer back to, uh, Senator Enzi.
And the school that he was talking about in Wapiti, Wyoming.
I think probably there
I would imagine that there's probably a gun
in the school to protect from potential Grizzlies.
- You know what I like?
I like a Secretary of Education who doesn't focus on education.
- Why?
- You know what I mean? Cause anybody could do that.
- Why address the digital divide?
- No we don't need books, We don't need clean water.
You know what we need? Bear repellent.
- And to her credit in the last three and a half years
there has not been one grizzly bear attack in any school.
- Raging backlash
over the refugee ban intensifying coast to coast.
- Once these travelers come in, they start to get questioned
in this extreme vetting takes place.
Their phones are taken away.
They cannot communicate.
They can't call their family members
their lawyers, anybody on the outside.
(crowd shouting)
- I mean, we all remember where we were when
the travel ban happened.
I of course was embedded with a journalist group of doctors
in an ISIS compound in Lebanon.
That sucked.
- Two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalized,
and they were the master masterminds
behind the Bowling Green Massacre, most people don't know
that because it didn't get covered.
- Was that the time Mike Pence
sat near women other than his wife?
- The Bowling Green Massacre that Conway mentioned
never happened.
- Oh, let me tell you something about the Bowling Green
my grand daddy fought at the Bowling Green.
- Oh, immigrants went crazy.
They were throwing latkes and potchkes
and all sorts of foreign food at people.
It was horrible.
- (both) It was horrible.
- I confused it for something to actually happened.
I'm sorry.
- Trump's whole presidency is built
on this idea of building a wall between us and Mexico.
- The biggest wall he put up honestly, was emotional.
Donald what's up? Talk to us.
- He always acted
like illegal immigration was this huge economic threat
but he regularly hired undocumented workers.
I always imagine he had a little wall and like a little slot
for his workers that slide in their resume.
- So the first thing that authoritarian does is goes
to war against the free press.
- I'm not going to give you a question.
You are fake news.
- Sir!
- Fake news.
- Fake news. You know
it just makes me picture a newspaper walking around
with silicone tits.
- You had that weird meme where he's
punching, literally, the word CNN.
- Yeah seems presidential to post memes.
It feels like a presidential thing to do.
- Look, the media is fake.
- The man says the media is fake.
Understand what he's telling you.
He's been in media his whole life.
This wasn't an accusation.
It was a confession.
- Remember when fake news was like the National Inquirer.
- Right, like three-headed alien babies.
- Yeah yeah.
- Now that's the CDC.
- I know... oh, fake news is Facebook's advertising strategy.
- I remember the Most Dishonest and Corrupt Media Awards.
I rented a tux.
I thought this was my chance to finally win something
We were going to go to In-n-Out afterwards
and celebrate, Clooney.
And no, I got nothing.
- "Fake news" is what
Mark Zuckerberg says right before he cums.
- Think of it, 151 countries
somebody said to me today that wasn't
in this particular world, they didn't know
that we had that many countries.
- Trump has this habit of accusing Obama of things
he could not have been involved in.
First he accused Obama of wiretapping the white house.
- Even by his own standards
the president leveled an extraordinary accusation
against his predecessor.
Accusing former president, Barack Obama
of wire tapping him last October
during the critical final weeks of the election.
- Spying on a sitting president is a federal crime.
Of course, Obama is no stranger to that.
We all remember when he wore dad jeans
- Why would Obama want to wiretap Trump's office?
It's a waste of resources.
If you want to know Trump's private thoughts wait
like three minutes until he tweets it directly
to the public.
- Hey love birds.
Someone calling himself Stable Genius writes,
'I met the one. A real go-getter who has personally
ordered more than 300 executions, including his own uncle.'
So Kim Jong-un, if you're listening,
and we know you're always listening,
this goes out from Stable Genius to you.
- When I did it and I was really being tough and so was he.
And we'd go back and forth.
And then we fell in love. Okay?
(crowd laughs) No, really.
He wrote me beautiful letters and they're great letters.
We fell in love.
- We are continuing to follow the breaking news.
We have confirmed
that FBI director, James Comey has been fired.
- Have you noticed that like when one white guy gets fired,
there's an uproar?
- I mean, people lost their mind.
- It's one white guy.
- It's one guy. He gon be all right.
- Guys, I grew up with James Comey.
We went to elementary school together.
He's always been terrible at hiding.
- You are looking at the former FBI director trying to blend in
with the curtains to avoid the notice of president Trump.
- He has a hide and seek problem.
Lots of kids do it, it's like a learning disability.
What an accomplishment
to overcome that and become the FBI director.
- Trump wanted loyalty.
That's what matters most to him, loyalty.
Everyone in Trump's inner circle has a loyalty rewards card.
And every time you're loyal, you get a little stamp.
And if you get 10 stamps, you get a free My Pillow.
- Thank you Mr. President, for your call to action.
When, which has empowered companies
like My Pillow to help our nation win this invisible war.
- Absolutely no collusion.
- Trump is being investigated for colluding with Russia.
- "No collusion," is what he keeps saying.
And then he fires James Comey for investigating this.
- So when Comey found out he was fired from the FBI,
he thought it was a prank.
I want to work for the FBI, it sounds hilarious.
- James Comey, Sally Yates, Preet Bharara, Andrew McCabe.
This is a fun game.
Who has Trump firing because they tried to investigate him?
Nixon was busy pretending he wasn't wiretapping people.
Whereas Trump was saying he was wiretapping people out loud
and he wasn't even doing it, because he was so lazy.
- Lordy, I hope there are tapes.
- Oh lordy, I hope there are tapes.
- Which is what I said the first time
I had sex without premature ejaculating.
(Upbeat music)