MUCH TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
DONALD TRUMP, DONALD TRUMP SPENT THE ENTIRE WEEKEND FURIOUSLY
LASHING OUT AT THE FBI ON TWITTER OVER THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION.
IS DON'T WORRY, I'M SURE HE STILL GOT TO PLAY GOLF TOO BUT
THAT WAS MOSTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING AM NOW AFTER ONE OF
TRUMP'S WEAKENED TWEETS SEEMED TO SUGGEST OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE TRUMP'S LAWYER JOHN DAWD CAME-- DOWD CAME FORWARD AND
SAID HE TALLLY WROTE THE TWEET, YEAH, HIS LAWYER WROTE T HOW
CONVENIENT.
BY THE WAY, I SHOULD SAY ANY TIME I TWEET SOMETHING THAT YOU
GUYS LIKE, THAT WAS ME.
ANY TIME A TWEET PROVES I'M GUILTY OF A CRIME, THAT WAS
REGGIE, OKAY.
TBL IS NO WAY THIS STORY IS TRUE.
IS THEY GOING TO LIE WHEN TRUMP TWEETS SOMETHING STUPID, GO WITH
SOMETHING MORE BELIEVABLE.
GO WITH ERIC TRUMP GOT AHOLD OF HIS DAD'S I PAD.
WE WOULD ALL BELIEVE THAT WHEN REPORTERS QUESTIONED THE STORY
TRUMP TOOK HIS USUAL APPROACH, BLAME HILLARY.
HE SAID QUOTE HILL RAE CLINTON LIED MANY TIMES TO THE FB, AND
NOTHING HAPPENED TO HER.
SHE LOST A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION TO DN ALD TRUMP.
I MEAN NOTHING HAPPENED?
(APPLAUSE) SHE WROTE AN ENTIRE BOOK CALLED
"WHAT HAPPENED."
MEANWHILE JAMES COMEY THE FBI DIRECTOR THAT TRUMP FIRED USED
HIS-- TO TROLL THE PRESIDENT WITH A PHOTO OF THE SUN RISE AND
A QUOTE ABOUT THE TRUTH.
HE WROTE ON HIS INSTAGRAM HE PUT THREE THINGS CANNOT BE LONG
HIDDEN, THE SUN, THE MOON AND THE TRUTH.
I MEAN FOR A PHOTO WHERE THE SUNT ISN'T EVEN UP HERE, THAT IS
A LOT OF SHADE.
NOW I KNOW IT SEEMS STRANGE AND I THINK IT'S STRANGE, ALL OF
THESE IMPORTANT FIGURES JUST USING SOCIAL MEDIA LIKE THIS ALL
THE TIME BUT APPARENTLY THIS IS HOW THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
WORKS NOW.
THE PRESIDENT POSTS POLICY ON TWITTER.
HIGH RANKING OFFICIALS TROLL THE PRESIDENT ON INSTAGRAM THEN IT
ALL GOES TO CONGRESS FOR A FINAL FACEBOOK POST, JUST AS THE
FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED.
(APPLAUSE) BUT COMEY IS HE SERENE INTRA
GRAM POST SHOULD BE VERY REASSURING TO MELANIA.
IT SHOULD T PROVES LIFE IS WAY BETTER AMP TRUMP DUMPS YOU.
LIKE-- (LAUGHTER)
IN OTHER NEWS FROM WASHINGTON LATE FRIDAY NIGHT THE SENATE
PASSED THE LARGEST TAX OVERHAUL IN DECADES.
AND THEY REALLY TRIED TO RUSH IT THROUGH.
REPUBLICANS WERE FRANKICALLY MAKING HANDWRITTEN LAST MINUTE
CHANGES TO THE BILL BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
THIS IS WHAT THE BILL LOOKED LIKE WHEN THEY VOTED ON IT.
I MEAN THE SENATE GENUINELY THEY PASSED THAT.
IF YOUR DOCTOR WROTE A BUNCH OF NOTES LIKE THAT ALL OVER YOUR
LAB RESULTS, YOU WOULDN'T BE LIKE COOL, I ASSUME ALL THESE
SCRIBBLES JUST MEAN EVERYTHING IS FINE.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
MOVING ON, ACCORDING TO DN ALD TRUMP'S FORMER CAMPAIGN MANAGER
TRUMP'S USUAL MCDONALD'S ORDER AND THIS IS JUST FOR ONE MEAL IS
TWO BIG MACKS, TWO FILET O FISH AND A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE.
YEAH, THAT'S NOT A MEAL ORDER, THAT IS AN ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT.
HERE'S THE AMAZING THING.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY FOUND OUT?
IT WAS HANDWRITTEN IN THE MARGINS OF THAT NEW TAX BILL.
PLAWTION (APPLAUSE)
TWO BIG MACKS, FOO FILET O FISH AND A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE.
HERE IS TRUMP'S BIG MISTAKE.
I KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT THIS.
YOU HAVE TO ORDER TWO DRINKS, IF YOU ORDER TWO DRINKS PEOPLE JUST
ASSUME IT'S FOR YOU AND A FRIEND.
ONE DRINK, THEY KNOW IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS.
(APPLAUSE) AND FINALLY WE THOUGHT THIS WAS
INTERESTING, WORKERS AT A CATHEDRAL IN SPAIN DISCOVERED A
240 YEAR OLD SCROLL HIDDEN INSOOD A SECRET COMPARTMENT IN,
AND I PLOMS WE'RE NOT MAKING THUP, THEY HIT IT D HID IT IN
THE BUTT OF A STATUE OF JESUS CHRIST.
DON'T WORRY, THE SCROLL WAS TWO-FLY FOR EXTRA COMFORT.
IT WAS FINE.
THE SCROLL WAS WRITTEN LETTER BY A CHAPLAIN, WAS WRITTEN BY A
CHAPLAIN IN 1777.
THEY BROUGHT IN EXPERTS TO DECIPHER THE MESSAGE WHICH WAS
FOUND IN THE STATUE AND THE EXACT WORDS WERE HA, MADE YOU
LOOK.
THEY FOUND AN ANCIENT SECRET MESSAGE IN A HIDDEN COMPARTMENT
IN JESUS' BUTT.
YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT?
EVEN NICHOLAS CAGE WAS LIKE,
YEAH, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT MOVIE.