I've talked to you in the past about the importance of giving space to each other in a
relationship. It thrives on having space between that's kind of your time, your time to think,
your time to motivate yourself to create within and when a relationship doesn't have space,
it ends up feeling frantic, urgent, and overwhelming. So, what ends up happening is
you start taking each other for granted. You start trying to get away from each other and that causes
senses of rejection with the other partner. Not only is it important to give your partner space,
but it's important to give your emotions a safe space. This is called self-regulating
and we often confuse the term with self-soothing. Self-soothing is when you kind of
give the space to kind of calm yourself down to get re-in touch and even though self-soothing
is a form of self-regulation. Self-regulation, it demands more awareness. It demands you
to go deeper inside and you can't do that unless you give space for that and life is busy. How
many of us say, “Okay, I’m going to take some time just to kind of regulate my emotions.”,
but what happens is if we don't do that, we end up overreacting. We end up being called too
sensitive. We end up in a relationship where our partner is constantly on us. How do you feel?
How do you feel because they know something is going on, but you're not attending to it?
So, what I want to go through are ways that you can learn to self-regulate because you can't cope
with your feelings if you don't know how to regulate them. What's going on underneath? So,
the first thing I need you to know is what are your numbing devices like? Where do you go to
numb your emotions? Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you eat? Do you gamble? Do you game every person
who has to take a break from their feelings or doesn't take a space to kind of calm down,
has a go-to vice for numbing and the reason they do that is because otherwise,
these emotions are just churning all the time and there's no break and it's very uncomfortable.
It's important that you know where your behaviors are that you basically are using as a way to numb
out from your emotions. It's important that you know so that when you're doing it, you're
aware of it. You're aware that okay, I’m taking a break from my emotions. I will go back to them,
but right now I’m doing these things and I just want to tell you if you're using drugs or alcohol,
you're sabotaging your ability to actually get in touch. You may feel like you're creating a space
to self-regulate, but it's a toxic one. It's going to end up taking you further and
further away from what you're actually feeling. Secondly, start with identifying your feelings.
I want you to just start doing an introspection of your mind. What are the feelings? Take a look at
them. What are you feeling? Write them all down. There's going to be so many. Just write them down.
Many will say confusion, happiness. You'll see that they're paradoxical. That's okay. Right now,
you're just getting in touch with them. You're just writing down everything you feel.
Thirdly, resist judging them. This is so important because if you judge everything you're feeling,
guess what? You're going to start denying the negative ones and we don't want that.
When we're learning how to self-regulate, it's important that we know what all the feelings are
because the emotions are vast and when you don't judge them, you're allowing them to just come
because you're not saying this is good or bad, unacceptable, acceptable. You're just
allowing them and remember, feelings are never right or wrong they just are, but they do need
to be regulated. Without that, you're just a walking bundle of feeling and that feels
like intense anxiety and we're trying to minimize that or move away from that. Next,
ask what these feelings are telling you. Most of the time, clients will come to me and say,
“I think this was just a sign.” This was a sign. It's not a sign. Our feelings are there to tell us
things. They're basically messengers. They go out. They come in, but they're fluid washing over the
brain so you can't act on them all the time, but it is wise to note them and the reason you note
them is when you note them, they feel appreciated and they will go away. They'll come back again,
but they don't need to yell as loud in your head if you are noting them and if you're asking,
“What are you telling me?” and you're writing that down, you may see things like “Be aware of this.
She hurt you again. He said this.” and this makes you feel worthless. Things like that
are valuable information to have to talk to your partner about later, but not right now.
It's not like you're getting all the messages and then you're just going out in the world
telling everybody what they need to know. No, they're just feelings and you're learning
how to regulate them and so this is a normal exercise that you would do and get feedback from.
Next, find a safe way to express your feelings. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I just got to quit.
This doesn't mean that you should do any of these things. It means that you should cope with these
so when you feel them, you're going to learn new ways to cope. What do you need? Maybe you need
to stretch. Maybe you need to go take a bath. Maybe you need to talk to someone on the phone.
Maybe you need to listen to music. Maybe you need to dance for a while. Whatever it is,
you're not going to know if there's not a space where you're listening to the
feelings and regulating them in a healthy way. The next thing. Focus on the physical sensations.
Many times, the physical ones are the ones that bother people the most and by physical, I mean
you get a tight stomach, you get a headache, you start feeling like you can't swallow well.
Your vision gets blurred. You start feeling like you're aching. You've got a bad hip. Your neck is
killing you. Things like this are just basically manifestations of feelings not listened to and so,
if they're not listened to, they've got to tell you how they feel in another way
and they'll go after the body and when people go to the doctor with different things like this and
the doctor says, “I think you're just stressed.”, the doctor is actually telling you, “I think you
need to take time and create a space to regulate your emotions.”, but the physician doesn't want
to say all that so it all gets gobbled into a big term stress, but stress is more than just stress.
Many times, it's un-listened to feelings that need a space to be listened to and then regulated
and lastly, it's important to practice and this whole video is about how you can practice.
You know, you may listen to this and go, “Oh my god, this takes too much time.”,
but it really doesn't. It basically has five steps and take a Saturday morning. Say “Okay,
I’m going to spend 15 minutes on my feelings.” and you're going to end up feeling so much better
and your emotions aren't going to be a limiting factor. You can let go. You can be anxiety free.
It may not last for long, but hey, it's an alternative. It's another coping mechanism
for you to have. When you're feeling overwhelmed, rather than waiting until you feel overwhelmed,
just start practicing it today. Put it into your habits as a healthy person and if you're with
someone, share it with that person too. It’s going to make your relationship a lot better.