>> Announcer: IT'S
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. FOUR WOMEN HAVE COME FORWARD
CLAIMING THAT JOE BIDEN TOUCHED THEM IN WAYS THAT MADE THEM
UNCOMFORTABLE. AND YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE UNCLES THAT CALLS SPRING
SUNDRESS TIME. IT'S VERY DISAPPOINTING.
BUT OLDER PEOPLE IN GENERAL HAVE A PROBLEM WITH BOUNDARIES.
THERE'S AN OLD LADY IN MY BUILDING, EVERY TIME I SEE HER
SHE RUBS MY ARM AND SAYS SOMETHING DIRTY.
IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT I JUST LET HER BECAUSE SHE'S
HOT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND ON WEDNESDAY, BIDEN RELEASED A VIDEO RESPONDING TO
EL THE ALLEGATIONS. AND I'M NOT SURE IT HELPED.
>> IN MY CAREER I TRY TO MAKE A HUMAN CONNECTION.
I GRAB PEOPLE, HUG PEOPLE, GRAB MEN BY THE SHOULDERS AND SAY YOU
CAN DO THIS. >> YEAH, SO IT WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE AN APOLOGY, NOT A REENACTMENT.
ALSO THE LOOK OF THE VIDEO IS JUST SO WEIRD.
WHY IS IT SHOT VERTICALLY? IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM A
PREMIUM ADULTS-ONLY SNAPCHAT. AND OF COURSE NOTHING PUTS WOMEN
AT EASE LIKE A MAN ON A LEATHER COUCH WHO HAS ALREADY TAKEN OFF
HIS TIE. YOU MIGHT AS WELL END THE VIDEO
BY HIM UNBUTTONING HIS SHIRT AND SAYING, TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT LOG ON TO GODADDY.COM. THEN A PRO-TRUMP GROUP SAID
BIDEN'S BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE AND SHOULD INSTANTLY DISQUALIFY
HIM FROM RUNNING. THE GROUP IS INDEPENDENT
REPUBLICANS OF NEW YORK OR I.R.O.N.Y.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE
VOTED TO RELEASE THE FULL MUELLER REPORT FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE. I WISH I HAD KNOWN ABOUT
REDACTING WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE GRADUATED.
I DID MY REPORT, IT'S JUST REDACTED RIGHT NOW.
IF DONALD TRUMP STOLE THE PRESIDENCY, BUT DON'T WE JUST
STEAL IT BACK? IF I WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,
I WOULD BE IN PUTIN'S DM'S RIGHT NOW NEGOTIATING.
WHY IS EVERYBODY TRYING TO PLAY FAIR WITH THIS GUY?
EVEN THE FBI. WE DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING?
JUST PLANT IT. YOU'RE THE FBI.
TURN OFF THE BODY CAM AND PUT SOME CRACK IN HIS SHOES, MAN.
>> YESTERDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP VISITED REPLACEMENT FENCING AT
THE U.S./MEXICO BORDER AND HE DESCRIBED IT LIKE THIS.
>> IF YOU WANT TO CLIMB THAT, YOU DESERVE WHATEVER YOU CAN
GET. BUT IT'S A VERY, VERY HARD --
IT'S CALLED ANTI-CLIMB. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK IT'S CALLED ANTI-CLIMB.
TRUMP'S LIKE, WELL, WE STARTED WITH A WALL THAT WAS CLIMB.
BUT THEN WE TOOK AWAY THE HANDY HOLDS AND THE FOOTY WOOTS AND
NOW IT'S ANTI-CLIMB. THEN TRUMP WENT ON TO SAY THIS.
>> SO IT'S A GREAT WALL AND IT LOOKS -- I THINK IT LOOKS
FANTASTIC. VERY SEE-THROUGH SO YOU'RE ABLE
TO SEE THE OTHER SIDE, WHICH IS A VERY IMPORTANT ELEMENT.
OKAY? >> I LOVE THAT SASSY "OKAY,"
THAT'S GREAT. TRUMP IS DESCRIBING THE WALL
LIKE HE'S A HUNG-OVER TOUR GUIDE, TRYING TO GET THROUGH IT.
IT'S THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, SHE'S BIG, SHE'S GREEN, SHE'S
HOLDING A LIGHT WHICH I CALL ANTI-DARK.
>> IT'S REPORTED IF TRUMP CLOSES THE BORDER WITH MEXICO, WE WOULD
RUN OUT OF AVOCADOS IN THREE WEEKS.
THIS MAN MUST REALLY HATE WHITE WOMEN.
WHY ELSE WOULD HE WAGE A WAR ON BRUNCH?
I CAN WAIT TO SEE THE MILLION-WOMAN MARCH.