PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STOP THE PRESSES, OKAY.
DO WE STILL DO A PRINT VERSION OF THE SHOW ANYMORE?
OVERSEAS.
OKAY.
NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE JUST BEFORE I CAME OUT
HERE, JAMES COMEY NEWS BROKE.
APPARENTLY, IN HIS NEW BOOK, COMEY REVEALS THAT, WHILE HE WAS
STILL IN OFFICE, PRESIDENT TRUMP ASKED HIM TO INVESTIGATE THE
PEE TAPE TO REASSURE MELANIA.
ACCORDING TO COMEY, "HE BROUGHT UP WHAT HE CALLED THE 'GOLDEN
SHOWERS THING' AND ADDING THAT IT BOTHERED HIM IF THERE WAS
'EVEN A 1% CHANCE' HIS WIFE, MELANIA, THOUGHT IT WAS TRUE."
YEAH, IT WOULD BOTHER HIM BECAUSE SHE'D BE OFF BY ABOUT
99%.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE BOOK, COMEY WONDERS WHY
TRUMP WOULD NEED TO GIVE HIS WIFE THAT KIND OF REASSURANCE,
CLAIMING THERE IS "ZERO CHANCE" COMEY'S OWN WIFE WOULD BELIEVE
SUCH A CLAIM.
OH, COME ON.
SANCTIMONIOUS MUCH, JAMES COMEY?
NOT EVERYONE'S LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE IN ONE OF THOSE RARE,
FAIRYTALE MARRIAGES WITH A 100% NO-HOOKER-PEE PEE GUARANTEE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S IN THE VOWS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
FOR BETTER OR WORSE.
FOR RICHER OR POORER.
FOR CLEANING UP THE SHEETS.
IT'S ALL IN THERE!
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, HOW DOES COMEY FEEL
ABOUT TRUMP'S REQUEST TO TRACK DOWN WHETHER THE PEE TAPE IS
REAL?
>> LORDY, I HOPE THERE ARE TAPES.
>> STEPHEN: ME TOO, JAMES.
ME TOO.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS, PLEASE JOIN US
TUESDAY BECAUSE JAMES COMEY WILL BE OUR GUEST SITTING RIGHT OVER
THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.
EVER SINCE THE ELECTION, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SPECULATING WHETHER
TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY WOULD BE TAKEN DOWN BY WHAT HE DID WITH A
MEMBER OF THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.
BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT HE MAY GO DOWN BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID WITH
HIS MEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S "STORMY WATCH."
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FAITHFUL "STORMY WATCHERS" KNOW THAT TRUMP'S LAWYER MICHAEL
COHEN PERSONALLY SHELLED OUT $130 GRAND TO KEEP STORMY
HUSHED.
BUT HE AND TRUMP ALSO HAD HELP FROM THEIR FRIEND, "NATIONAL
ENQUIRER" PUBLISHER AND GUY WHOSE NAME IS A LITTLE TOO ON
THE NOSE, DAVID PECKER.
( LAUGHTER ) MR. PECKER HAD A SCHEME TO
PROTECT TRUMP, WHERE HE WOULD PAY WOMEN FOR THEIR STORIES AND
THEN NEVER PUBLISH THEM.
A PRACTICE KNOWN IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY AS "CATCH
AND KILL."
THE SAME THING ERIC TRUMP DOES WITH LEOPARDS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TRUE STORY.
>> Jon: WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE TACTIC THE TABLOID
PULLED WITH "PLAYBOY" PLAYMATE KAREN MCDOUGAL IN AUGUST OF
2016, WHEN THEY PAID HER $150,000 FOR HER STORY ABOUT A
NINE-MONTH AFFAIR WITH TRUMP AND THEN NEVER PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE
ABOUT IT.
WAIT, 150 G'S TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT A NINE-MONTH AFFAIR?
STORMY DANIELS GOT ALMOST THAT MUCH, AND SHE ONLY HAD TO HAVE
SEX WITH DONALD TRUMP "ONCE!" THESE WOMEN NEED TO UNIONIZE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW?
( CHEERING ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNION STRONG!
COME TOGETHER AND FORM THE LOCAL 104 " REGRETFUL DONALD TRUMP
SPANKERS INTERSECTIOSPANKERS INT SISTERHOOD."
AND HERE'S THE THING, THESE PAYMENTS COULD COUNT AS "ILLEGAL
CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS BECAUSE THEY HELPED MR. TRUMP WIN THE
WHITE HOUSE BY SUPPRESSING POLITICALLY DAMAGING STORIES."
YEAH, BUT FOR THAT, THE FEDS WOULD HAVE TO PROVE THAT DAVID
PECKER WAS TRYING TO HELP DONALD TRUMP.
TO DO THAT, THEY'D HAVE TO SOMEHOW KNOW THAT PECKER SAID
"DONALD TRUMP IS A FRIEND OF MINE.
I WANTED TO HELP HIM, SO WHAT I DID WAS MAKE A DEAL WITH KAREN
MCDOUGAL SO THAT HER STORY WOULD NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF
DAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WHOO!
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK TWISTING THAT ONE, ROBERT MUELLER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY WE LEARNED THAT
PECKER'S "THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER" PAID A DOORMAN WITH GOSSIP ON
TRUMP $30,000 TO KEEP QUIET "ABOUT TRUMP FATHERING A LOVE
CHILD IN THE 1980S."
WOW, THE PRESIDENT MUST REALLY BE ASHAMED OF THIS SCANDAL,
CONSIDERING THE CHILDREN HE IS WILLING TO CLAIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
AND JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, THE DOORMAN CONFIRMED THE PAYOFF,
SAYING, "I WAS INSTRUCTED NOT TO CRITICIZE PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
FORMER HOUSEKEEPER DUE TO A PRIOR RELATIONSHIP SHE HAD WITH
PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHICH PRODUCED A CHILD."
OKAY, IT'S OFFICIAL.
THERE'S NOW A HOUSEKEEPER I FEEL WORSE FOR THAN THE ONE AT THAT
RUSSIAN HOTEL.
( LAUGHTER )