Coronavirus.
The only thing living its best life in 2020.
Over the past 24 hours, multiple states,
including Texas and Florida,
reported record Covid-19 fatalities.
And for everyone who's asking what America is doing wrong,
well, one viral photo might offer a clue.
REPORTER: A tale of two countries.
This picture is going viral for highlighting
the difference in Covid-19 responses
between the United States and Canada.
At the top of your screen, a packed American tour boat
at Niagara Falls, carrying hundreds of people.
You can see them in blue ponchos.
The bottom is a Canadian one,
carrying just a half-dozen tourists.
They're the ones in red.
The images show the two vessels passing each other
earlier this month.
Yep. Apparently, while Canadian boats at Niagara Falls
have a passenger limit of six people,
American boats are just balling out.
I mean, just look at how all of those Americans
are packed together on that boat.
I'm not even sure if that's mist from the waterfall.
That could just be everyone coughing.
Now, look, obviously, I'm joking. Right?
Those people might be safe
because they're outdoors in the mist and the wind.
I don't know. But still,
this photo really is a metaphor for how differently the U.S.
is treating this pandemic from all other countries.
I mean, of all the things to risk dying for,
looking at a waterfall is the worst choice.
Until there's a vaccine,
stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.
I will say, though, I also feel like
Canada's being a little too safe.
I mean, come on-- you guys have free health care.
Live a little.
And by the way, keeping boats from being overcrowded
isn't the only thing Canada is doing
to stop the spread of corona.
The CDC in the Canadian province of British Columbia
just released official health guidelines
telling Canadians
to try using glory holes for safer sex.
'Cause they say the wall stops you
from breathing on each other,
but the hole keeps the magic happening.
And if ever there was a sign,
this is how you know coronavirus is really bad--
when doctors are like,
"Okay, go stick your dick in a wall.
It'll save lives."
Now, look, I don't know about glory holes,
but my personal advice is if you want to be real safe,
everyone needs to have sex
the same way Mike Pence does.
What you do is you go in the bedroom first
and then you lock the door behind you
so nobody else can come in.
Sex.
Oh, and while we're on the subject, here's another tip.
Guys, wear a mask over your balls. Okay?
Doesn't stop the virus, it's just,
no one wants to see your balls.
It's like the bottom of a cupcake.
The party's on the top. Just hide that stuff.
In other news, football is coming back
but the Washington Redskins are not.
Effective immediately, the former Washington Redskins
will be now be called the Washington Football Team
as they continue to look for a replacement mascot.
According to ESPN, this is not the final name of the team,
but they needed something in place
before games begin this season.
A new, permanent name and logo is still in the works.
I'm sorry-- that is the laziest team name
I have ever heard.
I mean, they renamed a professional football franchise
the same way you save phone numbers of people you just met.
Uh, Karaoke Dude with the Big Ears Who Sings Strange.
Uh... okay, Woman from the Bar.
Idiot Co-Worker. Oh, let me change that.
Idiot co-worker Michael Kosta.
For real, guys-- the Washington Football Team?
That doesn't sound like a professional organization,
sounds like they ran out of cash and now the can only afford
the store-brand version of team names.
It's like when my mom couldn't buy us Cheerios
so instead she brought us Oat Circles.
Oat Circles: eat this in the morning.
The only silver lining I can see for this name
is that it's gonna be very helpful to people
who don't follow the NFL.
Yeah, 'cause now when someone asks you
who you're rooting for, you can be like,
"Uh, the Football Team?" Yeah, and then you sound like
you know what you're talking about.
Oh, interesting choice.
You're going with the Football Team.
Yeah, I like when they do the ball. (chuckles)
But let's move on now to some news
that's really out of the world.
It's about space.
REPORTER: New this morning: it's an historic space race to Mars,
the Red Planet. China launched its first-ever
mission to Mars this morning.
A six-wheeled robot lifted off on the Long March 5 Rocket
from the island south of China's mainland.
Details are top-secret.
China's not even releasing the rover's name.
It should get there in orbit sometime in February,
right behind the rover Hope,
launched by the United Arab Emirates.
That was on Monday.
U.S. expecting to launch its rover, Perseverance,
from Cape Canaveral. That'll be next week.
They're-they're gonna have a traffic jam up there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why is everybody trying to go to Mars?
I mean, there's never been a movie on Mars that ends well.
Best-case scenario, you lose a ton of weight
because you're on an all-potato diet. Like, that's it.
And also, is this the best time for space exploration?
Come on. Scientists,
I know you want to have fun,
but we need you focused on the pandemic.
Now is not playtime. No Mars until you finish your corona.
You finish your corona, scientists.
You finish your corona and then you can have Mars.
Don't you look at me like that, young scientist.
Moving on to politics.
Yesterday we talked about how
a Republican congressman named Ted Yoho
called representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
a (bleep) bitch in the halls of the Capitol Building.
Well, this morning, AOC fired back
with both barrels.
CHRIS JANSING: An extraordinary moment on the House floor
just a few minutes ago.
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez talking about
Republican Congressman Ted Yoho
throwing expletives at her.
I was minding my own business,
walking up, um, the steps,
and representative Yoho
put his finger in my face.
He called me disgusting. He called me crazy.
And, in front of reporters,
Representative Yoho called me, and I quote,
"a (bleep) bitch."
And I want to be clear that Representative Yoho's comments
were not deeply hurtful
or piercing to me,
because I have worked
a working-class job.
I have waited tables in restaurants,
I have ridden the subway,
I have tossed men out of bars
that have used language like Mr. Yoho's.
Mr. Yoho mentioned that he has a wife and two daughters.
I am someone's daughter, too.
And I am here because I have to show my parents
that I am their daughter,
and that they did not raise me
to accept abuse from men.
And, you know, I don't care what anybody says,
I am glad AOC came out on the House floor and said exactly
what that congressman said to her, expletives and all.
Because if you only hear about the story on the news,
you've probably heard them say
that "Yoho used, uh, derogatory language"
or "an offensive term" or "he made a decorum whoopsie."
AOC's absolutely right.
Time and time again, powerful men hide behind the fact
that they have daughters
as a way to shield themselves from accusations of sexism.
It's almost like these dudes are at their gender-reveal parties
like, "Yay, it's pink!
"Oh, man, I'm finally gonna have a political prop
"to excuse my bad behavior.
Oh, this is the happiest day of my life." (sobs)
Well, that's our show for tonight,
but before we go, I just wanted to remind you
that America is facing a nationwide poll worker shortage,
and that's because most poll workers are over 60,
and coronavirus is still out there, so they cannot show up.
But fewer poll workers means
that there are fewer polling stations open,
and it means there's gonna be longer lines
that not everybody can afford to wait in,
especially in communities of color.
But now, here's the good news.
Most poll working is paid. Yeah, yeah, paid.
And in some states, you can be as young as 16 to work.
Over the past two weeks,
we've partnered with Power to the Polls
to ask you to be a poll worker,
and over 40,000 of you have already signed up.
So thank you to every single one of you
who are giving your time
to save your granny and protect democracy.
And if you haven't signed up yet,
and you want to make some money,
then just go to the link below to learn more.
Until next week, stay safe out there, wash your hands,
and I'll see you at the glory hole.