If you're watching this video, then there's a good chance your
wife has left you. Maybe she's actually moved out of the house.
Maybe she's sleeping in another room, or perhaps she's just
distancing herself emotionally. Whatever the situation, you're
here because you sense your wife moving away from you, and you
want to know how to win her back. If this sounds like you,
then you've come to the right place. Hi, my name is Nathan,
and I'm a coach here at Marriage Helper. I work with men every
single day who find themselves in situations just like this. In
this video, I'll discuss the three most common mistakes I see
husbands make when they feel their wives are leaving them.
I'll also explain why those mistakes don't work. And
finally, leave you with some things you can start doing today
that will have a positive effect on your marriage. Make sure you
make it to the end of this video where you'll receive a free
mini-course that further explains what you can do to get
your wife to fall in love with you. Before we dive in, can I
ask you a favor? Take a second to like this video and subscribe
to our channel. Marriage Helper exists to strengthen, support,
and save marriages to last a lifetime. We especially focus on
marriages in crisis. And we want to reach as many people as we
can with messages of hope like this one.
Okay. Let's start by exploring the three most common mistakes
we see husbands make when trying to win back their wives. The
first mistake is to beg, plead, and utilize guilt to get your
wife to stay. Many of my clients come to me in a panic because
their wives have left them in some form or fashion. This panic
is understandable. So much of their identity, their future,
and their most important relationships in life are
connected to the health of their marriages. When a wife leaves,
the husband doesn't just lose his lover and best friend but,
in many respects, himself. Because of the severity of the
loss, a husband will often act out of that panic to do whatever
it takes to get his wife to stay, including playing the
victim card to keep his wife around. This strategy, which is
really more of an emotional response than a calculated plan,
is designed to make the wife feel bad about her decision to
leave. And can I just be frank with you? It simply doesn't
work. And later on in this video, I'll explain why. For
now, let me just add a few things that will hopefully help.
First, if you've been in this place emotionally, let me say
that I'm sorry. And while it may not mean much because I'm just
some dude on the internet, allow me a second to sit with you and
say that I know what it feels like to have a spouse leave. It
sucks. And I'm sorry for your pain. Second, allow me to
clarify that if your wife has left you, I'm not taking her
side, nor am I trying to make you feel weak or silly for
responding in a panic. Again, I've been where you are, and
I've done the very thing I'm telling you not to do. The hurt
and fear are real and difficult to overcome. But at Marriage
Helper, we're going to tell you the truth, even when it's hard
to hear. And we're going to give you the tools to turn things
around, even if those tools are difficult to implement. So, as
hard as it may be, don't beg, plead, or utilize guilt to get
your spouse to stay. The second mistake I see a lot of men make
when trying to win back their wife is by making it difficult
for the wife to leave. This can take a lot of different forms.
One way husbands do this is with finances. Many times, in a
desperate attempt to keep their wives, men will move money
around in order to scare their wives into staying. She won't
leave me if she's broke, they think. Another form would be
reputation bashing, especially on social media. This is common
when the wife who is leaving is involved with someone else. The
husband being left will often threaten and sometimes follow
through with making public the details of the affair with the
hope that his wife will rethink her decision to leave for
another man. Or, if she follows through with the affair, will
doom her new relationship - neither of these work. Resist
the urge to make it difficult for your wife to leave. The
third mistake men make when trying to win back their wives
is snooping. If your wife has left you, you've undoubtedly
obsessed over what she's up to. And this is probably led you to
invade her privacy to some degree.
I've seen it all; examining phone records, logging into her
email and social media, checking her phone when she's not
looking. I've even seen some men place trackers in her car,
cameras in her bedroom, and even microphones under her bed. Guys,
I'm begging you, resist the urge to snoop. Please take my word
for it; it does not work. Not once in my experience has
snooping ever produced anything good in the relationship. It
typically only does two things. Number one, it gives you access
to things that make it more difficult for you to stand for
your marriage. We call it pain shopping. In our experience,
whenever you go pain shopping, you'll always come home with
what you were looking for, more pain. And number two, when the
wife finds out, and she will find out, it makes her even more
angry and bitter, which further strains the marriage. Make sure
you don't fall into the trap of snooping. So, if you want to win
your wife back, make sure you don't do these three things.
Before we get into what to do to win her back, let's see if we
can further explore why these three common pitfalls don't
work. At their core, each of these mistakes is an attempt to
control your wife. You say, what do you mean? Well, in each of
these examples, the husband is manipulating the environment in
such a way to force his wife to stay. By begging, pleading, and
utilizing guilt, the husband is attempting to get his wife to
stay, not because she wants to, but because she has to in order
to avoid the negative emotion he's stirring up. By making it
difficult for his wife to leave, either by controlling finances
or reputation smearing, the husband is attempting to get his
wife to stay, not because she wants to, but so she can avoid
the pain of her husband's reaction. By snooping, the
husband is gathering information, usually to catch
her in a lie or some other marriage violation, so that he
can then use that information against her to make her the bad
guy. And then we're back to guilt, making her feel bad
enough to stay, not because she wants to, but so she can avoid
shame.
Are you noticing a common theme? In each of these examples, the
husband is trying to force his wife to stay, not because she
wants to, but because she has to. When we try to control our
wives, we miss the underlying principle of why our wives were
leaving in the first place and thus compound the problem in the
marriage. You say, what underlying principle? Here it
is: people don't leave what they have unless they think what
they're going to is better. If your wife is leaving you, she's
doing so because she believes there's a better option. Whether
she's right or wrong is irrelevant. The point is that
she thinks leaving is the better option. Now, I know that may be
hard to accept, but like I told you earlier, we're always going
to tell you the truth at Marriage Helper. With this
principle in mind, do you see how attempts to control only
make the marriage worse? If your wife is leaving you, it means
she thinks something or someone out there is better. If you
respond to that behavior by attempting to control, you only
make yourself that easier to leave because nobody likes to be
controlled. Okay, so we've discussed the three most common
mistakes husbands make when their wives leave them and why
those mistakes don't work. So what should you do to win your
spouse back? The answer is to become the best version of
yourself. I like to use the analogy of building a fence
versus digging a well. If you've got a large plot of land with a
bunch of cattle to raise, then you basically have two options
to keep them on your land and off of your neighbors. The first
is to build a fence. It's costly, time-consuming, needs
constant repair and maintenance, and most importantly, never
addresses the core issues, the core needs, of the cattle. The
second is to dig a well. It's simple, relatively
cost-effective, and most importantly, addresses the core
needs of the cattle. And what is that core need? Refreshment. The
cows need a reliable source of food and water. If the cows keep
leaving, you can keep building fences, but don't be surprised
if they bail as soon as an opportunity arises. Instead, why
not dig a well which waters the cattle and the field and
provides for their needs so they never want to leave in the first
place?
You say, Nathan, are you saying it's my fault my spouse left?
No, I'm not. Nor am I calling your wife a cow. That'd be a
problem for a number of reasons. What I'm saying is that you can
only control yourself. And if you're willing to look close
enough, you'll probably be able to discover attitudes and
behaviors within yourself that looked more like fence building
and less like well digging. Okay, so what should you do to
become the best version of yourself? Allow me to introduce
you to the PIES. PIES is an acronym that stands for
physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We use
PIES to help our clients understand and improve their
attraction. Remember, people don't leave what they have
unless they think what they're going to is better. We want you
to become the best version of yourself physically,
intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Because becoming a
better you will make it harder for your spouse to leave. Or, if
she's already left, we'll make it much more likely for her to
return to you. So, you want to win your wife back? Get serious
about your PIES. I encourage my clients to start by assessing
where they are currently in their PIES using a 10-point
scale. Physically, given your age and situation in life, what
number would you give yourself? Could you lose some pounds? Is
your wardrobe outdated? How's your hygiene? When's the last
time you paid to get your hair cut? Intellectually, what number
would you give yourself? When's the last time you read a book?
Are you a person who's easy to talk to, who asks good
questions, and can hold a conversation? Emotionally, how
would you rate yourself? Do you feel at peace with who you are
aside from the marriage? Do you prioritize yourself enough to do
things that you enjoy in life? Do you evoke emotions within
people that they enjoy feeling? Spiritually, where are you on
that 10-point scale? If you're a religious person, are you
practicing what you preach? Are you devoting time to prayer and
contemplation? If you're not a religious person, are you living
within your belief and value system? Are you becoming the
kind of person you respect and love? Once you've given yourself
a score in each category, sit down and dream up what the best
version of yourself would look like and what it would take to
get there.
If you feel like you're a six physically, what would need to
change to get you to an eight? If you're a three
intellectually, what could you implement in your life to maybe
get you up to a seven? You get the idea. Once you know where
you are, where you want to go, and how to get there, start
doing it. PIES only works when they're put into practice. Get
serious about becoming the best version of yourself and put in
the work to get there. You say, Nathan, but my wife has left me;
I can't just let her go. Brother, she's already gone. You
can't control her. Well, you can, but remember, it never
works. Don't dwell on the things you can't control. Don't build
fences; dig a well. If you want to win back your wife, the best
thing you can do is to increase your attraction by working on
your PIES. Well, there you have it. What do you think? Have you
fallen into some of the traps I mentioned earlier? What do you
think your greatest area of improvement is in your PIES?
Take a second to leave a comment and let us know. We'd love to
hear from you. As promised, here's a free resource to
further help you get your wife to fall back in love with you.
Finally, we've created a similar video to this one designed for
wives who want to get their husbands back. Feel free to
check it out, as some of the information is sure to help you
in your situation. Remember, there is hope for your marriage,
but it starts with you. Thanks for watching.