WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEHEN COLBERT.
TODAY WE ALL WOKE UP IN A DIFFERENT WORLD, BECAUSE LATE
LAST NIGHT-- YESTERDAY MORNING-- LONG-AWAITED SUMMIT WITH NORTH
KOREAN DICTATOR AND STUFFED ANIMAL OF HIMSELF, KIM JONG-UN.
AND FROM THE BEGINNING, DONALD TRUMP SIGNALED HE WAS SERIOUS
ABOUT PEACE, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GREET KIM WITH HIS NORMAL ALPHA
MALE HAND BATTLE.
INSTEAD, HE DISARMED HIS HANDSHAKE.
LOOK AT THAT!
COME GIVE HIM THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE NOW.
AFTER A BRIEF ONE-ON-ONE MEETING, THE TWO LEADERS GOT
DOWN TO THE MOST IMPORTANT ITEM ON THE AGENDA-- LUNCH
( LAUGHTER ) INCLUDING, "KOREAN STUFFED
CUCUMBER."
WELL, THERE'S YOUR HEAD: "TRUMP ATE EYE VEGETABLE."
THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE.
THEY SCOFFED!
BY THE WAY, KOREAN STUFFED CUCUMBER IS STUFFED WITH
KOREANS.
KIM IS A MONSTER.
BEFORE THE MEAL, TRUMP GAVE POOL PHOTOGRAPHERS SOME DIRECTION:
>> GETTING A GOOD PICTURE EVERYBODY?
SO WE LOOK NICE AND HANDSOME AND THIN?
PERFECT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT-- THAT IS THE
FACE OF A MAN REALLY HOPING THE TRANSLATOR GOT THAT WRONG.
( LAUGHTER ) "WHAT?
DID HE JUST...?" THE TWO LEADERS GOT ALONG GREAT.
TRUMP EVEN SHOWED KIM THE INSIDE OF HIS CADILLAC.
"WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE TO TALK YOU OUT OF YOUR NUKES AND INTO
THIS CADILLAC?
OKAY, LOOK, MY MANAGER'S GONNA KILL ME, BUT SO WOULD YOUR
NUKES, SO..."
THEN THE MOMENT CAME THAT THE WORLD WAS WAITING FOR: THE
SIGNING OF THE HISTOR-ISH AGREEMENT.
SO THAT'S IT.
THE AGREEMENT'S SIGNED.
BRING HOME THE AIRCRAFT CARRIERS, BOYS, THEN GO TO TIMES
SQUARE AND KISS A NURSE.
BUT ASK FIRST.
A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE WORLD WAR II.
AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN: >> WE DID NOT GET A WHOLE LOT.
>> WE HAVE NOTHING CONCRETE.
>> WE GOT NOTHING IN RETURN.
>> IT'S DIFFICULT TO DETERMINE WHAT OF A CONCRETE NATURE HAS
OCCURRED.
>> HE DID NOT GET WHAT EVEN HE SAID THAT HE WANTED.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU KNOW, HE ORDERED A HAMBURGER, AND THEY
GAVE HIM A CUCUMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL, OKAY:
KIM GOT U.S. SECURITY GUARANTEES.
BUT IN EXCHANGE, HE AGREED TO WORK TOWARD DENUCLEARIZATION OF
THE KOREAN PENINSULA, BUT THAT WAS JUST REAFFIRMING AN EARLIER
AGREEMENT HE ALREADY HAD WITH SOUTH KOREA.
IT'S LIKE TRUMP SAW NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA GETTING TOGETHER AND
WAS LIKE, "THAT LOOKS GOOD, WHO'S UP FOR A THREE-WAY?
I'M A SELFISH LOVER."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE TO PROMISE MORE-- KIM
GAVE US SO LITTLE-- YOU HAVE TO PROMISE MORE THAN KID DID WHEN
YOU SIGN THE iTUNES USER AGREEMENT.
AND I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP.
"GIZMODO" POINTED OUT, APPLE MAKES YOU AGREE TO "NOT USE
THESE PRODUCTS FOR ANY PURPOSES PROHIBITED BY UNITED STATES LAW,
INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE DEVELOPMENT, DESIGN,
MANUFACTURE OR PRODUCTION OF MISSILES OR NUCLEAR, CHEMICAL OR
BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS."
THAT-- THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE!
>> Jon: WOW
DID YOU EVER READ THAT THING?
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE THAT SOMEONE READ
THE iTUNES USER AGREEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE TWO COUNTRIES ALSO
"COMMITTED TO HOLD FOLLOW-ON NEGOTIATIONS."
SO, THE RESULT OF THIS MEETING WAS TO AGREE TO ANOTHER MEETING.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY A NOTHING BURGER.
IT'S MORE LIKE A BUN THAT SAYS, "WE AGREE BILATERALLY TO THE
POTENTIAL FUTURE PLACEMENT OF MEAT SOMEWHERE IN THE TOASTED
ZONE."
TRUMP DOWNPLAYED WHAT AMERICA GAVE UP.
>> ONLY A PERSON THAT DISLIKES DONALD TRUMP WOULD SAY THAT I'VE
AGREED TO MAKE A BIG COMMITMENT.
>> Stephen: FUN FACT: THAT LINE IS STRAIGHT FROM HIS
WEDDING VOWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A LOVE STORY.
IT'S A LOVE STORY.
AND TRUMP EXPLAINED HOW HE WAS IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND FOR
THESE DELICATE NEGOTIATIONS.
>> I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 25 HOURS.
>> Stephen: HE WAS GOING TO SLEEP ON THE PLANE PLANE, BUT
THEY HAD "BOZ BABY."
OF COURSE, THERE IS THE SMALL DETAIL THAT TRUMP IS ENTERING
INTO A DEAL WITH A HOMICIDAL BOY-KING.
BUT TRUMP IS JUST WORKING WITH WHAT HE'S GOT.
>> KIM IS A BRUTAL DICTATOR.
HE RUNS A POLICE STATE, FORCED STARVATION, LABOR CAMPS.
HE'S ASSASSINATED MEMBERS OF HIS OWN FAMILY.
HOW DO YOU TRUST A KILLER LIKE THAT?
>> GEORGE, I'M GIVEN WHAT I'M GIVEN, OKAY?
>> Stephen: HE'S GIVEN WHAT HE'S GIVEN, OKAY?
KIM KILLS HIS OWN PEOPLE, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE KNEELED DURING
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BE FAIR.
BE FAIR.
>> Jon: NOT COLIN KAEPERNICK, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: DIDN'T HAPPEN, DIDN'T HAPPEN.
BUT TRUMP MANAGED TO LOOK ON THE MURDEROUS DICTATOR'S BRIGHT
SIDE.
>> WELL, HE IS VERY TALENTED.
ANYBODY THAT TAKES OVER A SITUATION LIKE HE DID AT 26
YEARS OF AGE AND IS ABLE TO RUN IT, AND RUN IT TOUGH-- I DON'T
SAY HE WAS NICE, OR I DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
HE RAN IT.
AND VERY FEW PEOPLE AT THAT AGE-- YOU CAN TAKE ONE OUT OF
10,000 PROBABLY COULDN'T DO IT.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T GIVE DICTATORS POINTS FOR BEING
YOUNG! THAT'S LIKE SAYING "YOU KNOW, VLAD THE IMPALER BECAME
RULER AT AGE 20.
NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THAT.
EVERYONE GETS ALL HUNG UP ON THE IMPALING PART, OKAY, NOT HOW
YOUNG HE WAS.
HE WAS THE MOZART OF STICKING WOOD THROUGH PEOPLE."
AND, ULTIMATELY, TRUMP WAS CONFIDENT THAT KIM WOULD FOLLOW
THROUGH ON THEIR AGREEMENT.
UNLESS HE DOESN'T.
>> HONESTLY, I THINK HE'S GONNA DO THESE THINGS.
I MAY BE WRONG.
I MEAN, I MAY STAND BEFORE YOU IN SIX MONTHS AND SAY "HEY, I
WAS WRONG."
I DON'T KNOW THAT I WILL EVER ADMIT THAT, BUT I WILL FIND SOME
KIND OF AN EXCUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DID HE SUDDENLY
BECOME SELF-AWARE?
"IF I'M WRONG, I'LL MAKE UP AN EXCUSE.
THEN I'LL START TO BELIEVE THE EXCUSE.
THEN I'LL ATTACK ANYONE WHO REMEMBERS WHAT I USED TO SAY,
BECAUSE IT WAS ALL OBAMA'S IDEA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"AND THAT GUY-- WHY?
WHY DID HE SAY THAT?" AND TRUMP'S ALREADY SEEING WAYS
TO MAKE MONEY OFF THIS DEAL.
>> THEY HAVE GREAT BEACHES.
YOU SEE THAT WHENEVER THEY'RE EXPLODING THEIR CANNONS INTO THE
OCEANS.
I SAID, "BOY, LOOK AT THAT VIEW.
WOULDN'T THAT MAKE A GREAT CONDO BEHIND THAT?"
AND I EXPLAINED, I SAID, "YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, YOU
COULD HAVE THE BEST HOTELS IN THE WORLD RIGHT THERE.
THINK OF IT FROM A REAL ESTATE PERSPECTIVE."
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THINK OF IT FROM A PRESIDENTIAL
PERSPECTIVE?
BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER CHURCHILL SAYING THIS:
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
HE JUST NEVER SAID IT.
>> Stephen: WELL, NORTH KOREA IS WAY AHEAD OF TRUMP.
AND TONIGHT "LATE SHOW" HAS AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT THEIR TOURISM
AD.
>> VISIT BEAUTIFUL NORTH KOREA FOR REST, RELAXATION, AND
RADIATION.
YOU'LL BE BLOWN AWAY BY OUR BEACHES AND ARTILLERY.
AND ENJOY TELEVISION WITH OPTIONS LIKE STATE TV OR OFF.
AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET.
IT'S JUST THE PHOTO.
THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
BEAUTIFUL NORTH KOREA THE PEOPLE'S PARADISE.
TRAVELOSITY.COM SAYS PLEASE SEND BACK OUR GNOME.
WE'RE WORRIED."
>> Stephen: SO THERE'S YOUR DEAL.
( APPLAUSE ) MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
ANYWAY, THE POINT IS TRUMP'S A STATESMAN NOW, HEADED TO THE
NOBEL PRIZE.
CLEARLY, THIS IS THE START OF A NEW PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO
APPROACHES HIS JOB WITH PURPOSE AND DIGNITY.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST KIDDING.
LAUGH BECAUSE ON HIS FLIGHT HOME HE
TWEETED THIS: "ROBERT DE NIRO, A VERY LOW-I.Q.
INDIVIDUAL, HAS RECEIVED TO--" MISSPELLED "--MANY SHOTS TO
THE HEAD BY REAL BOXERS IN MOVIES.
I WATCHED HIM LAST NIGHT AND TRULY BELIEVE HE MAY BE
'PUNCH-DRUNK.' I GUESS HE DOESN'T
DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT...
DOT-DOT-DOT, REALIZE THE ECONOMY IS THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN WITH
EMPLOYMENT BEING AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH, AND MANY COMPANIES POURING
BACK INTO OUR COUNTRY.
WAKE UP, PUNCHY!" SIR, IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ED HELMS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL SHOW YOU DONALD TRUMP'S SECRET SUMMIT
WEAPON: VISUAL AIDS.
STICK AROUND!