LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME WELCOME, ONE AND ALL,
TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, THE BIG STORY IS THAT CHICAGO MAYOR
LORI LIGHTFOOT FAILED IN HER BID ION TWO WIN REELECTION.
AND FOR MORE ON THAT, WATCH SOMETHING ELSE,
BECAUSE I HAVE NO OPINION. ANOTHER THING I HAVE NO OPINION
ABOUT? WHERE THE CORONAVIRUS CAME FROM!
I WANNA KNOW WHERE IT IS NOW, SO I CAN NOT BE THERE.
ON SUNDAY, WE LEARNED THAT THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY BELIEVES
THAT THE COVID PANDEMIC WAS THE RESULT OF A LAB LEAK,
A BELIEF THEY HOLD WITH "LOW CONFIDENCE."
THAT'S NOT REASSURING. IT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S CHANGED
THEIR SLOGAN TO "WE'RE PRETTY SURE WHAT WE HAVE IS MEATS."
IF I HAD TO GUESS. GUN TO MY HEAD, I'D SAY MEATS.
BACK IN 2021, IT WAS FIRST REPORTED THAT THE FBI
HAD "MODERATE CONFIDENCE" THAT THE PANDEMIC WAS THE RESULT
OF AN ACCIDENTAL LAB LEAK. BUT THE FBI NEVER PUBLICLY
ACKNOWLEDGED IT, UNTIL YESTERDAY, WHEN WE
HEARD FROM FBI DIRECTOR CHRISTOPHER WRAY, SEEN HERE
ANNOUNCING THE ARRESTS MADE IN "OPERATION BAZOOMBAS."
YEAH. MASSIVE FORCE.
MASSIVE DISPLAY OF FORCE. HE SAT DOWN WITH FOX NEWS
AND DROPPED THIS OPPOSITE OF A BOMBSHELL.
>> THE FBI HAS FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW ASSESSED THAT THE
ORIGINS OF THE PANDEMIC ARE MOST LIKELY A POTENTIAL
LAB INCIDENT IN WUHAN. >> Stephen: MOST LIKELY
POTENTIAL. THAT IS DARN CLOSE TO
HYPOTHETICALLY NEARLY CONCEIVABLY IMAGINABLE MAYBE.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN POSSIBLE AND PROBABLE,
SO IT'S DEFINITELY "PROSSIBLE."
WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF INFINITE PROSSIBILITY.
STILL, EVERYBODY WANTS A DEFINITIVE ANSWER ON THIS.
AND I'M SURE IF THE FBI DIRECTOR IS FINALLY GOING TO ANNOUNCE
THIS ON TV, HE'S GOT A WHOLE LOT OF DETAILS TO SHARE.
>> THERE ARE NOT A WHOLE LOT OF DETAILS I CAN SHARE THAT AREN'T
CLASSIFIED. >> Stephen: OKAY, IF YOU CAN'T
SHARE IT, MAYBE TELL SOMEONE AT THAT CHINESE LAB, AND IF THEY
LEAK IT, YOU'LL KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT.
IF THE FBI ISN'T WILLING TO SHARE THE PROOF TO BACK UP
THEIR STATEMENT, I AGREE WITH DR. FAUCI WHO SAYS THAT, WHEN IT
COMES TO THE ORIGINS OF COVID, "WE MAY NEVER KNOW."
IT'S A HARD TRUTH BUT A TRUTH WE ALL LEARNED FROM THE CLASSIC PS
PSA. >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
ANYTHING TO HAVE SOME PRETTY STRONG OPINIONS.
TAKE GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND...
>> [BOOS] >> Stephen: AND ESCAPED DIORAMA
OF A NEANDERTHAL FEMALE, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
YESTERDAY, GREENE WAS AT A SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING ON COVID.
SHE WAS AGAINST MOST OF THE PRECAUTIONS, LIKE MASKS,
AND VACCINES, AND LOCKDOWNS. AND SHE MADE A PRETTY
CONVINCING POINT ABOUT THE PRESENT STATE OF
AMERICAN EDUCATION. >> THE RESPONSE TO COVID-19
WAS DEVASTATING TO OUR COUNTRY AND IT'S GOING TO BE YEARS
BEFORE WE REALLY KNOW THE EFFECTS AND THE OUTCOME
ON OUR SOCIETY AND ESPECIALLY ON OUR CHILDREN.
WHAT IT DID TO OUR CHILDREN'S MATH AND READING LEVELS
IS HORRIFIC. HERE'S WHAT IS SHOCKING TO ME.
THERE ARE 1 MILLION 524 -- 524,480 --
THIS IS OVER ONE MILLION, 1.5 MILLION.
>> Stephen: OKAY. RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW WATCHING THAT
MADE MY MATH LEVEL DROP. I'M GONNA SAY BY AT LEAST
1 POINT TWELVITY-NINE-107.5 BEST OF THE '80s, '90s,
AND TODAY. ♪ 867-5309! ♪
588 ♪ GREENE CLARIFIED WHERE SHE'S
COMING FROM WITH ALL THIS COVID INFO.
>> I'M NOT A DOCTOR. >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
NO ONE THOUGHT YOU WERE A DOCTOR.
THE VIBE I GET IS "NURSE WHO POCKETS THE CODEINE."
SPEAKING... REALLY?
ALL RIGHT. SPEAKING OF NURSES, YESTERDAY
JOE BIDEN WAS IN VIRGINIA BEACH TO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT THE COST
OF HEALTHCARE AND HE CHEERED UP THE CROWD WITH A FEELGOOD STORY
ABOUT BEING IN THE ICU. >> BY THE WAY, YOU DOCS ARE
GOOD, BUT IF THERE ARE ANY ANGELS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE ALL
NURSES, MALE AND FEMALE. YOU KNOW WHY?
YOU GUYS LET US -- YOU GUYS MAKE US --
ALLOW US TO LIVE, BUT NURSES MAKE YOU WANT TO LIVE.
WHEN I WAS AT WALTER REED ALL THAT TIME AFTER A COUPLE
CRANIOTOMIES, I WAS LYING THERE, AND I HAD A NURSE
NAMED PEARL NELSON, MILITARY. SHE'D COME IN AND DO THINGS THAT
I DON'T THINK YOU LEARNED IN MEDICAL SCHOOL --
IN NURSING SCHOOL. [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: IS IT OVER YET? I CAN'T LOOK, BUT I ALSO CAN'T
LOOK AWAY. I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING
A CHAINSAW JUGGLER WITH A CASE OF THE SHAKES.
OKAY, EVERYONE AGREES NURSES ARE HEROES, I UNDERSTAND, GO ON.
>> SHE'D WHISPER IN MY EAR. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HER.
>> Stephen: YES, WHEN YOU'RE IN A COMATOSE STATE,
NOTHING IS MORE COMFORTING THAN SOMEONE GETTING RIGHT NEXT
TO YOUR HEAD AND GOING [WHISPERING]
ASSA-FASSA-WADDA-KASSA-FASSA-FA. MAYBE SOME ASMR.
[CRINKLING] STAY ALIVE.
[CRINKLING] [WHISPERING]
SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. MMM.
MMM. FRITOS.
HE WENT ON. >> SHE'D ACTUALLY BREATHE ON ME
TO MAKE SURE THAT THERE WAS A CONNECTION,
A HUMAN CONNECTION. SHE EVEN WENT HOME AND BROUGHT
BACK HER PILLOW FROM HER OWN BED BECAUSE THE ONE I HAD
WASN'T COMFORTABLE. >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A HORROR STORY. [WHISPERING]
"I'VE BROUGHT MY OWN PILLOW. AHHHH.
DON'T WORRY, IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON.
ASSA-WASSA-ASSA-WASSA. SHH."
HOW LONG DID THAT TAKE? HOW LONG WAS THAT?
THERE'S SOME TROUBLING NEWS FROM TENNESSEE, THANKS TO REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR AND DAD'S FRIEND SAYING "WOW, YOU REALLY GREW UP
OVER THE SUMMER", BILL LEE. LEE ANNOUNCED HE WILL BE SIGNING
TENNESSEE'S SWEEPING NEW ANTI-LGBTQ BILLS, WHICH,
AMONG OTHER THINGS WILL BAN GENDER-AFFIRMING TREATMENT
FOR TRANSGENDER YOUTH. COME ON.
TRANSGENDER OR NOT, ALL TEENS STRUGGLE WITH FIGURING OUT
RELATIONSHIP TO THEIR BODIES. YOU THINK UNILEVER HAD GROWN
ADULTS IN MIND WHEN THEY MADE AXE BODY SPRAY IN GOLDEN MANGO?
YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO. "MOM, I DID SHOWER!"
TENNESSEE ISN'T JUST COMING FOR THE YOUNG ONES.
THE GOVERNOR HAS SAID HE'D SIGN A BILL THAT WOULD RESTRICT
DRAG SHOWS. YES, HE WANTS TO SEVERELY
LIMIT DRAG. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS DID NOT
CREATE THIS COUNTRY SO MEN COULD WEAR FRILLY SHIRTS, SILK
STOCKINGS, AND POWDERED WIGS! >> THAT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: SPECIFICALLY, THE BILL CRIMINALIZES
"ADULT-ORIENTED" PERFORMANCES BY "MALE OR FEMALE
IMPERSONATORS." WHICH MEANS THE CITIZENS OF
TENNESSEE WILL FINALLY BE SAFE FROM REBA MCENTIRE!
OH, YES. REBA IS EXPOSING OUR CHILDREN TO
TEMPTING BUCKETS OF BREASTS AND THIGHS.
TO DEFEND TARGETING THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, GOVERNOR LEE CLAIMS
THE BILL WOULD PROTECT CHILDREN FROM BEING "POTENTIALLY EXPOSED
TO SEXUALIZED ENTERTAINMENT." OKAY, BUT "SEXUALIZED"
IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CONTROL
THAT? "IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT THAT NONE
OF THEIR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHERS WEAR OPEN-TOED SANDALS
AND HAVE A REALLY LONG MIDDLE TOE, ALMOST LIKE A FINGER?
REAL GRACEFUL. HIGH ARCH.
THAT WOULD BE WRONG. I'LL SEND YOU SOME PHOTOS."
PLUS, THIS WHOLE STUPID BILL IS REDUNDANT, BECAUSE TENNESSEE
ALREADY BANS OBSCENITY IN FRONT OF MINORS.
IT WAS LANDMARK LEGISLATION. IT'S WHY THE GREAT
SMOKY MOUNTAINS HAD TO PUT ON A BRA.
EVEN, OH, YEAH. EVEN TENNESSEE REPUBLICANS ARE
CONFUSED BY THIS BILL. WHEN IT WAS BEING DISCUSSED IN
THE STATE LEGISLATURE, ONE REPRESENTATIVE RAISED
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION. >> IF WE'RE HAVING A
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SHOW AT A COUNTY FAIR, AND SOME PROMOTION
DECIDES TO HAVE A BRA AND PANTIES MATCH,
IS THAT, YOU KNOW, POTENTIALLY A CRIME?
>> Stephen: "AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, WHAT ABOUT,
SAY, IF SOME OF THE BLUE RIBBON COWS HAVE A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST?
YOU KNOW, REAL TASTEFUL STUFF. CLEAVAGE BUT NO FULL TEAT.
I MEAN, VIDEO TAPED FOR DISTRIBUTION.
WOULD THAT BE A CRIME? OR COULD SOMEONE SELL THAT
IN THE LOBBY TODAY FOR $24.99
ON DVD? YOU KNOW WHO ELSE CAN'T DEFINE
WHAT DRAG IS? GOVERNOR BILL LEE.
BECAUSE THE DAY BEFORE HE ANNOUNCED HE'D SIGN THE BILL,
A PICTURE OF HIM EMERGED DRESSED IN DRAG IN HIGH SCHOOL.
OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, ADMITTEDLY THOSE ARE
SOME GREAT GAMS. BUT I'M SORRY, THOSE PEARLS?
GOVERNOR, REMEMBER WHAT COCO CHANEL SAID
ABOUT ACCESSORIES. BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE,
LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND STOP TRYING TO SCORE POLITICAL POINTS
WITH YOUR BASE AT THE EXPENSE OF REAL HUMAN BEINGS,
YOU DICK. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE MICHELLE YEOH
AND STAR OF "DAISY JONES AND THE SIX," RILEY KEOUGH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?