It's back-to-school season, which means
teachers are enjoying their last few day-drinking benders,
parents are turning Target into a scene from The Purge,
and kids are taking their final pees in the pool.
And thanks to the Trump administration,
this year, even con artists are going back to school.
The Trump administration will rescind Obama era policies meant
to protect students from abusive practices
by for-profit schools and colleges.
Today Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said
she plans to fully repeal a rule
that targeted schools that failed to prepare students
for gainful employment.
Federal officials now argue
the rule wasn't backed up by research,
and created burdensome reporting requirements.
How can people be this evil?
Like, it's bad enough that there are scam schools
that take students' money and don't teach them properly,
but now Trump will subsidize those scam schools
with taxpayer money.
Like, it feels like there's nothing
this administration won't deregulate.
I wouldn't be surprised if Trump eventually deregulates
e-mail scams, you know?
There'd just be all these Nigerian princes saying,
"Thanks to Donald Trump, I can finally acquire the funds
"to transfer my money to America, ah?
"Thank you so much, Donald.
What have you done for me, ah?"
(applause)
And now, and now, a lot of people may think
that all this deregulation may have adverse effects
on America's future.
But luckily, the Trump administration
has a new program to help you and your children understand.
-♪ ♪ -(train whistle blows)
♪ So, grab your things, let's take a vacation ♪
♪ It's time for Deregulation Station. ♪
Hi, kids!
It's your flippety-skippety friend, the Conductor.
I'm here with a special guest today, Ronny Chieng.
-OTHERS: Yay! -Yeah, whatever.
Let's just hurry up and learn about friendship
so I can get out of here.
Oh, we're not here to learn about friendship.
We're gonna learn about something much better!
Deregulation!
It's when we remove those bad rules
so that corporations can maximize their profits.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
And thanks to President Trump,
"deregulation" is the word of the day...!
Maximize corporate profits?
What kind of kids' show is this?
And also, don't regulations protect us from corporations?
Eh, pull your head out of your ass, Ronny.
(chuckling)
Corporations always have our best interests at heart.
Come with me and you shall see...!
-♪ ♪ -OTHERS: Yay!
(whistle blows)
Hooray! It's our first stop,
a newly deregulated factory.
(coughs) Yo, this place smells terrible.
President Trump has liberated American factories
from the scourge of pollution rules.
(coughs) Okay, but what about the kids
who are gonna die of asthma because of bad air?
Boo... hoo!
(mocking): "But what about the kids?"
It's not our fault if their lungs can't keep up
with tremendous job growth.
-♪ ♪ -(whistle blows)
-(whistle blows) -Here we are
at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
Look. Here comes the consumer watchdog himself.
That's the consumer watchdog?
He looks like shit.
-I know. -(coughs)
President Trump bravely stepped in
and neutered the consumer watchdog's enforcement powers.
Oy. My sciatica.
Ah-doodle-dee-dee!
(whistle blows)
♪ ♪
Whoopee-co-roopee!
Here we are at the Department of Transportation.
The president is rolling back
those dumb transportation safety rules.
Thanks to Trump, train engineers don't have to be screened
for sleep apnea.
Walla-wee!
This is insane. All this deregulation
is shortsighted, Conductor.
Conductor?
-(snoring) -Conductor?
-(engine chugging) -Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Wake up. Wake up!
Wake up...!
Ronny Chieng, everybody.