School.
Yeah, remember school?
It's the place where you go to learn things like math
or science or, most importantly,
how to draw that cool S.
But in Florida, the state whose official dress code
is "strip club casual," lawmakers have decided that
there are some subjects
that shouldn't be learned in school.
A controversial bill that would ban school districts
in Florida from encouraging classroom discussion
about sexual orientation or gender identity is advancing.
A Florida senate committee just passed the so-called
"Don't Say Gay" bill. Opponents warn
it would lead to further stigmatization
of gay, lesbian, and transgender children.
Florida governor Ron DeSantis
has indicated support for the bill.
The Republican says it's not appropriate for teachers
to have conversations with students about
sexual orientation or gender identity.
Yeah. I agree with Ron DeSantis. Right?
Kids shouldn't learn that people can be
straight or gay in school.
We shouldn't teach them that.
We should just let them get surprised when they turn 18.
"What?! Two men can do what?! Are you...
"Oh, that's what Lil Nas X was singing about.
I thought he just liked prison."
Now, on the one hand, this is terrible, because many kids
can't talk about gay issues at home,
so school could be the one place where they can learn.
I mean, I guess, on the other hand, this "Don't Say Gay" law
is gonna have some upsides. I mean, it's gonna make it
a lot harder for bullies in school. Yeah.
'Cause they'll in the hallway like, "You're gay." And then
Ron DeSantis is just gonna burst out of a locker, like,
"No! Don't say that!
"You make fun of his haircut. Look at it.
Looks like he fought a lawnmower. Come on."
You know, if you ask me, the real issue here
is that these people are worried that their kids are gonna
learn about being gay and then, all of a sudden,
get converted to gay. That's what the fight's about.
"Don't teach my kids about gay in school
because they're gonna become gay."
That's ridiculous. Learning about the thing
doesn't magically turn you into the thing.
I mean, in school, when I learned about the French,
it's not like I came home that day like,
(French accent): "Mama, I have something to tell you."
(South African accent): "Ah. I knew all along, my child."
(regular accent): Anyway, let's move on.
There's a big story that's coming out of the art world
right now, uh, and if you're one of those people who's like,
"I don't understand modern art,"
well, first of all, congratulations on being basic,
and, second, maybe you should stop complaining
and do something about it, like this guy did.
A security guard was fired from the job at a Russian museum
after drawing eyes on a million-dollar painting.
I want you guys to look closely at this.
The Three Figures painting had a blank space on the faces.
You can see the version on the left.
But reports say the security guard got bored,
decided to grab a pen and just draw a pair of eyes
on two of the three figures.
H-Hold on, hold on.
This-this guy defaced a classic painting
because he was bored?
Like, in a museum, you were bored,
and so you drew... Like, have you not heard of TikTok?
And I know a lot of you basic bitches out there right now
are looking at the eyes on this painting. You're saying,
"That actually does look better."
But that's not the point!
Art is not about what looks better.
Art is about confusing people with a thing that allows you
to feel like you are better than them, a'ight?
And how do we know that this thing
wasn't just a publicity stunt from the museum?
Because I don't know about you, but I've never heard
of this faceless panting in my life.
Now I'm seeing it everywhere.
You know, this could just be, like, a trick.
Maybe this is what all museums do just to get hype.
"Did somebody steal the Mona Lisa's eyebrows?
Come see for yourself."
And finally, let's move on from one piece of work to another.
Donald Johnson & Johnson baby powder Trump,
the ex-president most likely to be a surprise judge
at a wet T-shirt contest.
Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential records
asked the Justice Department
to investigate Trump's improper handling
of official documents.
And, like, at this point,
I'm wondering if there are any laws
that Trump hasn't broken.
You know? Like, if there was a Guinness Book of World Records
for crime, he'd probably steal the book.
But yeah, according to reports,
Trump would rip up papers after he read them.
Right? He took boxes of material with him to Mar-a-Lago,
and now we're learning that Trump did
the most Trump thing that he possibly could have done
with some of these documents.
We're beginning with breaking news.
Staff members at the White House residence
discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet
on more than one occasion during the Trump administration
and believed that it was the former president himself
who was trying to flush documents.
I learned that staff in the White House residence
would periodically find the-the toilet clogged.
The engineer would have to come and-and fix it,
and what the engineer would find
would be wads of, you know, clumped-up print...
wet printed paper.
Um, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper.
It could be Post-its.
It could be notes he wrote to himself.
It could be other things. We don't know.
But it certainly does add, as you said,
another dimension to what we know
about how he handled material in the White House.
You know, it's so funny how in every scandal
involving Trump and documents,
none of them involve him reading them.
And-and by the way, I will say this.
I know it's easy for us to all go,
"Trump was trying to obstruct justice.
That's what this was."
But you do remember at the start of the pandemic,
there was a shortage of what?
And I don't know about you guys,
but when there's no toilet paper,
state documents start to look mighty tempting.
It also does explain
why Trump was always complaining about toilets.
He always... You remember how he always did that?
People are flushing toilets ten times, 15 times,
as opposed to once.
They end up using more water.
"Yeah, they're flushing them ten times, 15 times."
No, dude, you were flushing toilets
ten times, 15 times,
because you were shoving your homework down the toilet.
I mean, everyone assumed
he was a man who clogged the White House toilets,
but no one ever thought we'd have to ask the question,
"But with what?"
Now, of course, Trump denies all of this.
He says he never clogged any toilets ever.
"Smoothest poo of all time."
So, the big question is who's telling the truth?
Well, luckily, we have an exclusive interview
with the only man who knows what the truth is.
So we're gonna go out live right now
to the White House to chat to that man.
Sir, I understand that you are
the official White House plumber.
(Italian accent): That's right. It's me.
(regular voice): Carl Schwartz. How you doing?
Well, doing well.
-Thank you so much for joining us, Mr. Schwartz. -Uh-huh.
Um, as the White House plumber,
we'd love for you to tell us everything you know
about Trump flushing documents down the toilet?
All right, let me stop you right there, chief, okay?
Sorry to disappoint you, but I can't.
It's the plumbers' code.
-The plumbers' code? -That's right.
It's the iron code all plumbers live by.
One: never tell a toilet's secrets.
Two: always round up the bill.
Three: no visible butt crack.
I'm trying to break that stereotype.
So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know
about Trump's toilet, no matter what.
Aw, come on!
All right, fine, I'll tell you.
I was in Trump's bathroom almost every day
pulling paper out of the toilet.
I unclogged so many classified documents,
they had to give me top secret clearance.
I'm talking CIA briefings,
diplomatic cables,
the medical experiments that created Rudy Giuliani.
Honestly, some of the stuff,
I didn't even understand what it meant.
Like, I found this one document that just says
"Nuke Spain?"
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Y-You must have been pretty frustrated
with President Trump giving you so much unnecessary work.
Are you kidding me? I love President Trump.
He made my job more interesting,
and he trusted me with our nation's top secrets.
Unlike certain other presidents
who just use the toilet to poop or pee.
(whispers): Obama.
I don't know why you said it like that.
You could've-- We knew who the--
Anyway, um, let me ask you this--
was Trump the only one in the White House
who was flushing documents?
Uh, did Vice President Pence do it?
No, no, no. Mike Pence never even used the bathroom.
He actually doesn't have any holes.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have an emergency I have to deal with.
Kamala Harris has been locked in the bathroom
for the past year.
Oh, wow. Is that where she's been?
Well-well, good luck with that and thank you so much,
-Mr. Schwartz. -You got it, chief.
Did he say "no holes"?
It's gonna be $6,000.