>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
WHAT'S THE BIG STORY TONIGHT?
WELL, LOOK OUTSIDE, BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, IT
MIGHT NOT BE THERE.
SNOW IS BATTERING THE EAST COAST, AND OVER 60 MILLION
PEOPLE ARE UNDER A WINTER STORM WATCH.
PEOPLE ARE BEING ASKED TO STAY HOME, OF ALL THINGS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE, JUST SITTING AROUND IN YOUR HOUSE FOR DAYS ON
END, NOWHERE TO GO, JUST WATCHING TV?
HOW WILL WE ADJUST?
NOW, I'M IN THE NEW YORK AREA, WHICH IS EXPECTED TO GET 12-18
INCHES TONIGHT.
IT'S COMING DOWN SO HARD.
LE ME LOOK OUT MY WINDOW.
JIMMY, YOU CAN GIVE US A LIVE SHOT OVER HERE, PLEASE.
WOW, THAT'S INTENSE.
LOOK AT THAT.
PUT ON A JACKET!
YOU'LL CATCH A CHILL!
HIS LIPS ARE SO CHAPPED.
MAN, THAT GUY IS RIPPED!
THERE ARE NO CARBS IN WESTEROS.
FORECASTERS SAID THAT THE STORM WILL LIKELY COVER NEARLY 1,000
MILES WITH HEAVY SNOW, FREEZING RAIN, AND STRONG WINDS.
AW, JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE SONG: ♪ I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE
CHRISTMAS ♪ AHHHHHH!
I HIT SOME BLACK ICE!
HOLD ON!
WE'RE GOING INTO THE CULVERT, KIDS!
SO IF YOU ARE OUT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE BE SAFE.
I MEAN, IT'S GETTING PRETTY NASTY RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.
JIM, CAN WE GIVE A LIVE SHOT AGAIN.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
>> COME ON!
GIMME A SIGN HERE!
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE: THE A.S.P.C.A. RECOMMENDS YOU DO
NOT LEAVE YOUR DOGS AND CATS OUTSIDE TONIGHT.
REMEMBER TO STUFF THEM INSIDE YOUR TAUNTAUN.
YOU THINK IT SOUNDS BAD ON THE OUTSIDE.
MUCH SNOWFALL, WE'D EXPECT TO SEE SCHOOL CANCELLATIONS, BUT
BECAUSE OF REMOTE LEARNING, BILL DE BLAISO HAD BAD NEWS FOR
NEW YORK CITY KIDS: >> THE SNOW DAY, AS WE KNEW IT
AS KIDS, WHEN WE LOOKED FORWARD TO A DAY OFF.
YES, IT'S TRUE, THAT'S NOW GOING TO BE A THING OF THE PAST, THAT
EVEN WHEN KIDS ARE HOME BECAUSE OF THE SNOW, THEY WILL STILL BE
LEARNING.
>> Stephen: NO!
THIS IS AN ABOMINATION-- NOT JUST FOR KIDS, BUT FOR PARENTS.
THE SNOW DAY IS THE RARE OPPORTUNITY TO WAKE UP YOUR
CHILD WITH THE GREATEST NEWS IMAGINABLE!
"HONEY, THERE'S NO SCHOOL TODAY.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TOBOGGAN FOR EIGHT HOURS, THEN DRINK HOT
CHOCOLATE.
NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP, OKAY, WHILE DADDY HAS HIS MORNING
WINE.
LET'S HAVE ANOTHER LOOK OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.
JACK TORRANCE.
HOW DOES IT LOOK OUTSIDE?
AL WORK AND NO PLAY HAS MADE JACK A COLD BOY.
SPEAKING OF WINTERY WEATHER, THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPTS TO
OVERTHROW THE 2020 ELECTION HAVE A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL.
HE LOST HIS RECOUNTS, HIS LAWSUITS HAVE BEEN THROW OUT
OF COURT, AND HIS PLANS TO RETROACTIVELY DECLARE NOVEMBER 3
NATIONAL OPPOSITE DAY HAVE FAILED.
ON MONDAY, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE CERTIFIED JOE BIDEN'S WIN; AND
YESTERDAY, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, MITCH McCONNELL
CONGRATULATED BIDEN ON HIS VICTORY.
EVEN McCONNELL HAS JUMPED SHIP.
LUCKILY, HIS WADDLE WORKS AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH McCONNELL, TWEETING, "MITCH, 75,000,000 VOTES, A
RECORD FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT-- BY A LOT
TOO SOON TO GIVE UP.
REPUBLICAN PARTY MUST FINALLY LEARN TO FIGHT.
PEOPLE ARE ANGRY!" I SEE.
"PEOPLE" ARE ANGRY.
ARE PEOPLE FEELING A LITTLE ISOLATED?
MAYBE PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE SAD?
NOW, I UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE MUST BE FEELING A LITTLE LONELY
AND SCARED RIGHT NOW.
AND I'M SURE PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT WE THE PEOPLE DIDN'T VOTE
FOR PEOPLE.
MAYBE PEOPLE ARE STRESS-EATING A CAN OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING?
IT WOULD BE NICE IF "PEOPLE'S" WIFE WAS MAYBE MORE
UNDERSTANDING AND WANTED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.
BUT REGARDLESS OF HOW ANGRY PEOPLE ARE, PEOPLE NEED TO GROW
THE (BLEEP) UP.
( LAUGHTER )
TWEET IS THE FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT WROTE IT AT NEARLY
1:00 A.M. ON WEDNESDAY.
OOF.
THE ONLY REASON TO BE UP AT 1:00 A.M. ON A WEDNESDAY IS IF YOU
HAD A REALLY BIG TACO TUESDAY.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT WOULDN'T BE FEELING THIS WAY
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE WORK OF PEOPLE LIKE BIDEN CAMPAIGN
MANAGER JEN O'MALLEY DILLON, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HER
RAP ALBUM "STRAIGHT OUTTA SOUTHAMPTON."
O'MALLEY DILLON SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH "GLAMOUR"
MAGAZINE AND HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT BIDEN'S ONGOING CALLS FOR
BIPARTISANSHIP: "THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WAS ABLE TO
CONNECT WITH PEOPLE OVER THIS SENSE OF UNITY.
IN THE PRIMARY, PEOPLE WOULD MOCK HIM, LIKE, "YOU THINK YOU
CAN WORK WITH REPUBLICANS?" SHE ADDED, "I'M NOT SAYING
THEY'RE NOT A BUNCH OF (BLEEP).
MITCH McCONNELL IS TERRIBLE."
OKAY, SO THERE'S KUMBAYA, BUT THERE'S ALSO KISS MY BUTT.
NOW, INSULTING YOUR COUNTRYMEN MAY SEEM LIKE A STRANGE WAY
TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER, BUT JOE BIDEN WANTS TO BUILD A TRUE
BIG TENT, WHERE EVERYONE IS WELCOME: THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE,
THE (BLEEP), WHERE THE DOUCHE NOZZLE SITS AT THE TABLE OF
BROTHERHOOD NEXT TO THE ASSHAT, WHERE THE NUMBNUT HOLDS HANDS
WITH THE JACKHOLE, WHERE THE PUTZ CAN RAISE HIS SCHMUCK-FACE
CHILDREN TO BE ANY KIND OF DILLWEED THEY WANT.
THAT KIND OF OUTREACH HAS TO BE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL TOOLKIT.
ALSO, MITCH McCONNELL'S A TOOL.
JOE BIDEN CONTINUES TO ACT LIKE A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO BE
PRESIDENT.
FOR INSTANCE, TOMORROW, HE'S TALKING TO ME.
AND TODAY, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ANNOUNCED HE WILL NOMINATE PETE
BUTTIGIEG TO BE SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION.
MAYOR BUTTIGIEG, OBVIOUSLY, UNDERSTANDS TRANSPORTATION.
AFTER ALL, HE'S A RHODES SCHOLAR.
( ♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪
MAKE THIS JOKE.
WIN A FREE SLAM!
>> Stephen: IT'S A HISTORIC NOMINATION.
BUTTIGIEG WILL BE THE FIRST OPENLY L.G.B.T.Q. PERSON IN ANY
CABINET.
THOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE THAT NOBODY TOLD THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.
>> AND BY THE WAY, JILL AND I ALWAYS ENJOYED SEEING PETE AND
KRISTEN-- OR CHASTEN, I SHOULD SAY-- TOGETHER ON THE TRAIL.
( AS BIDEN )
L.G.'s MIXED UP WITH MY B.T.Q.'S AND MY B.L.T.'S.
HEY, DON'T BE TOO OFFENDED.
REMEMBER, ONE TIME I THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS MY SISTER.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIL?
JILL."
I COULD GO FOR A B.L.T.
WHEN IT WAS HIS TURN TO TAKE THE STAGE, MAYOR PETE EXTOLLED THE
VIRTUES OF TRANSPORTATION: >> TRAVEL, IN MY MIND, IS
SYNONYMOUS WITH GROWTH, WITH ADVENTURE, EVEN LOVE, SO MUCH SO
THAT I PROPOSED TO MY HUSBAND, CHASTEN, IN AN AIRPORT TERMINAL.
DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU THAT O'HARE ISN'T ROMANTIC.
>> Stephen: AND IT WASN'T JUST THE ENGAGEMENT.
THEY HELD THE RECEPTION AT CHILI'S TOO.
THEY REGISTERED AT "HUDSON NEWS."
"OH, MAN, SOMEBODY ALREADY BOUGHT THE "WELCOME TO CHICAGO"
SNOWGLOBE.
SHOULD WE GET THEM A NECK PILLOW OR A $15 BAG OF GUMMY BEARS?"
NOW, BUTTIGIEG RECOGNIZED HOW HISTORIC HIS NOMINATION WAS.
>> I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF A 17-YEAR-OLD SOMEWHERE WHO MIGHT
BE WATCHING US RIGHT NOW, SOMEBODY WHO WONDERS WHETHER AND
WHERE THEY BELONG IN THE WORLD OR EVEN IN THEIR OWN FAMILY.
AND I'M THINKING ABOUT THE MESSAGE THAT TODAY'S
ANNOUNCEMENT IS SENDING TO THEM.
>> Stephen: YOU HEAR THAT, 17-YEAR-OLD?
YOU STAY IN SCHOOL, AND SOMEDAY YOU, TOO, MAY SEE YOUR NAME ON A
SIGN OUTSIDE A TRUCK WEIGH STATION.
I'M TALKING LEGENDS LIKE CLAUDE S. BRINEGAR, NEIL E.
GOLDSCHMIDT, AND OUR CURRENT SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION--
I HAVE NO IDEA.
IT'S NOT JUST REPUBLICAN SENATORS BAILING ON THE CURRENT
ADMINISTRATION.
SO ARE ITS OWN STAFF MEMBERS.
A LITTLE WHILE BACK, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE STATE DEPARTMENT'S
HOLIDAY PARTY PLANNED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND
MARSHMALLOW PEEP IN THE MICROWAVE, MIKE POMPEO.
DESPITE THE PANDEMIC, POMPEO INVITED 900 GUESTS.
WELL, THE BIG EVENT WAS YESTERDAY, AND TURNS OUT,
EVERYBODY HAD A GREAT TIME NOT GOING BECAUSE HUNDREDS OF
INVITEES SKIPPED MIKE POMPEO'S PARTY.
DON'T FEEL BAD, MR. SECRETARY.
IT'S NOT THAT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.
IT'S THAT THEY THINK YOU'RE A MORON FOR HOLDING A PARTY DURING
A PANDEMIC.
THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.
THE NUMBERS WERE PRETTY LOW.
OUT OF THE 900 PEOPLE INVITED, ABOUT 70 PEOPLE R.S.V.P.'d, AND
ONLY A FEW DOZEN SHOWED UP.
A FEW DOZEN PEOPLE?
LET'S BE GENEROUS AND SAY IT WAS 36 PEOPLE.
THAT'S AROUND 4% OF THE INVITES.
THOSE WHO BRAVED THE CONTAGION TO ATTEND WERE TREATED TO A
SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY...
A MASKED SANTA.
WAIT A SECOND, I RECOGNIZE THAT PHYSIQUE.
NICE TRY, MR. PRESIDENT.
I THINK SOMEONE JUST WANTED UNLIMITED COOKIES AND TO KISS
PEOPLE'S MOMMIES.
GUESTS HOPING TO HEAR FROM POMPEO WERE DISAPPOINTED,
BECAUSE AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE SECRETARY CANCELED HIS SPEECH
AND TAPPED A SUBSTITUTE SPEAKER.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU'RE THE HOST OF THE DUMB PARTY!
THAT'S LIKE GOING, "UH, THANKS, EVERYONE, COMING TO ME AND
MICHELLE'S ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
LOOKS LIKE THERE'S JUST A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE HERE, SO I TAP
ROGER AS A SUBSTITUTE GROOM.
GOOD LUCK, ROG.
SHE'S A HELL OF A LADY, BUT NOT VERY POPULAR, EVIDENTLY."
BUT POMPEO WAS THERE, AND HE IS NOW IN QUARANTINE DUE TO
COVID-19 EXPOSURE AFTER THE HOLIDAY PARTY.
IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN EBENEZER SCROOGE LEARNED HIS LESSON AFTER
GETTING A VISIT FROM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS OBVIOUS.
OKAY, ENOUGH MEAT.
LET'S GET TO THE CHRISTMAS CANDY.
IT'S TIME FOR "LATE SHOW HOT GOSS."
( SIZZLE )
CELEBRITY NEWS.
I'M TALKING ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER MEGA STAR AND MAN WHO I WILL
NOT MAKE A JOKE ABOUT BECAUSE I'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED HIM, AND
I'D LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY, TOM CRUISE.
CRUISE IS CURRENTLY IN THE U.K.
SHOOTING THE NEW MISSION IMPOSSIBLE SEQUEL, "MISSION
IMPOSSIBLE 7: TURNS OUT THE FIRST SIX TIMES WERE POSSIBLE."
WHILE HE WAS ON SET, CRUISE NOTICED TWO CREW MEMBERS
STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER
SCREEN, VIOLATING THE MOVIE'S STRICT COVID-19 SAFETY
PROTOCOLS.
WHICH, TO BE FAIR, ARE HARD TO SEE, BECAUSE THEY'RE...
GHOST PROTOCOLS.
NO SOUND EFFECT?
WE HAVE NO SOUND EFFECTS?
WE WILL NEVER HAVE SOUND EFFECTS OR THEY WILL BE LAID IN LATER?
WE'LL FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE-- I DON'T WANT THEM NOW.
YOU REALIZE I DON'T WANT THEM NOW.
OF COURSE, CRUISE TAKES THE SAFETY OF HIS PRODUCTION VERY
SERIOUSLY.
AND SEEING THE RULES BROKEN MADE HIM FLIP OUT, RESULTING IN
THIS LEAKED AUDIO: >> Stephen: IS THAT IT?
>> THAT'S IT!
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
GLAD I CHECKED.
NOW, AS INTENSE AS THAT SOUNDS, AND IT DOES SOUND INTENSE,
THAT'S JUST THE AUDIO.
HE SAID ALL OF THAT WHILE HALO JUMPING FROM A C-17 ONTO THE
MINUTE HAND OF BIG BEN.
YES, TOM CRUISE DOES ALL OF HIS OWN RANTS.
NOW, THE RECORDING GOES ON FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES.
MUCH LIKE THE "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE" FRANCHISE ITSELF, IT
GETS KIND OF REPETITIVE, BUT IT NEVER LETS UP ON THE ADRENALINE.
NOW, THIS IS THE RARE CELEBRITY RANT WHERE I LISTENED AND WENT:
"YEAH, HE'S GOT A POINT."
I DON'T KNOW IF WE NEED THE SCREAM OR ANY OF THE POTTY TALK,
BUT CRUISE IS THE PRODUCER OF THE MOVIE, AND HE HAS TO SET
SAFETY STANDARDS TO PROTECT EVERYONE'S JOB ON HIS FILM AND
ALL THE OTHER PENDING PRODUCTIONS LOOKING TO SEE IF
SHOOTING DURING COVID CAN BE DONE RESPONSIBLY.
BUT IT'S THE NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S LOST HIS COOL WHILE
FILMING.
THE TEAM AT "LATE SHOW HOT GOSS" HAS OBTAINED EXCLUSIVE AUDIO OF
CRUISE ON SET BACK IN 1983.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
TOM HANKS IS HERE.
WON'T YOU STICK AROUND FOR TOM HANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪