No, my dad's funny.
My dad talks that way,
because my dad's a newscaster
back home.
So he's a very deep, loud,
authoritative broadcaster voice.
Which on TV is great, but at home
unnecessary.
(audience laughing)
I love the man to death,
but he has no concept of how loud
he is and that sound travels.
And when it's bad
is when you're a little kid,
and you do something wrong.
You get in trouble,
and you've got to get yelled at
or scolded by someone who talks
like that.
It puts the fear of God into you.
Oh, yeah, especially with my dad,
who, by the way,
was king of the scolders.
Like he would invent stuff to scold
us about.
Some of it didn't make sense.
He actually once said this to me.
"Hey, knock it off.
"You know when I was your age,
"I was a lot older than you."
(audience laughing)
Mom I think dad's been drinking.
I don't mean at Dry Bar.
(audience laughing)
The worst though is if ever I was so
bad that my mom would have to go
call him up at work--
I know we have some moms out there.
You know when moms get fed up
to the point that-- that's it.
I'm calling your father.
Those were the scariest words
in the world to me.
Yeah.
Because he was already
in that newscaster frame of mind.
So whenever I'd get yelled at,
I always felt like I was
a breaking story.
Oh, yeah.
He'd pick up the phone
in that newscaster cadence.
He didn't play.
Like, as your father.
"Your mother just told me
"what you did.
"Well, I'll tell you something,
"mister, you're in a lot of trouble,
"and you're going to get it when I
"get home.
"Tonight, at 11:00.
(audience laughing)
"And no television for a week,
"and now, back to you, Joan."
My mom's funny.
I have a whole separate message
problem with my mom.
My mom is adorable.
She still does not understand
the concept of voicemail.
Every one of my mother's messages
pretty much starts off like this.
(beep sound)
"Hi, sweetie.
"It's Mom.
(audience laughing)
"Pick up the phone.
(audience laughing)
"Sweetheart, are you there?
"It's me.
"I have a story for you."
And then I'm like, most people
will have you just call them back
and then tell you the story.
No.
She leaves the entire story right
on the voicemail, and it's never
important stuff.
Like, where she went shopping
that day or she'll leave me
medical updates from distant family
members I haven't even seen
since I'm 12.
It makes me miss the good old days,
when we used to have answering
machines.
Because then I could listen
to her messages like this.
(beep)
"Hi, sweetie.
"It's your mother.
"Remember me?
"I'm the woman who
"gave birth to you.
"It's been three days.
"I would like to know that
"you're still alive.
"Look at me.
"I'm sitting here,
"and I'm reading
"through the obituary column.
"And would you believe,
"I am not seeing your name any place.
"So I'm expecting a call.
"Love you."
(beep sound)
Yeah, Steve, it's your father here.
I'm in the car.
Your mother's calling
(unintelligible speech)
where you are.
(unintelligible speech)
Up yours!
(beep)
"Hi, sweetie.
"Guess who?"
I love guess who.
Like I have no idea who.
"Sweetie, it's Mom.
"Where are you
(fast forwarding sound)
"--your sister's birthday,
"and everyone's coming.
"I hope you'll be able to
(fast forwarding voice)
"--shopping yesterday,
"and I bought the most beautiful
(fast forwarding voice)
"--30% off, I couldn't believe it.
"And the woman--
(fast forwarding voice)
"--cause Aunt Sylvia stool sample
"came back from the lab.
"The doctor said--
(fast forwarding voice)
"--when I was nine.
(fast forwarding voice)
(beep sound)
That's why--
(audience cheering)
My mom's a character,
but she's a good lady.
I think we're going to keep her.