WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
I WANT TO BRACE YOURSELF BECAUSE SOMETHING GOOD MIGHT BE
HAPPENING.
POSSIBLY.
BECAUSE AS OF THIS MORNING, RUSSIA SAYS IT'S PULLING BACK
SOME OF ITS FORCES AMID THE UKRAINE CRISIS.
OKAY, SO RUSSIA MIGHT BE PULLING OUT.
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT, JOE?
>> THAT WOULD BE GOOD, BUT WE HAVE NOT YET VERIFIED THAT.
AN INVASION REMAINS DISTINCTLY POSSIBLE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
PROBABLY SMART NOT TO TRUST VLAD ON THIS ONE.
DUDES LIKE HIM NEVER PULL OUT WHEN THEY SAY THEY WILL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- TRUE STORY, BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
BUT, STILL, THE SIGNS ARE LOOKING MILDLY POSITIVE.
YESTERDAY, RUSSIA'S TOP DIPLOMAT ENDORSED MORE TALKS TO RESOLVE
ITS STANDOFF WITH THE WEST.
AS PART OF THAT DIPLOMATIC EFFORT, GERMAN CHANCELLOR OLAF
SCHOLZ MET WITH PUTIN AT THIS EXTREMELY LONG TABLE, THE SAME
ONE PUTIN USED LAST WEEK WHEN HE MET WITH FRENCH PRESIDENT
MACRON.
I THINK I KNOW WHY THESE NEGOTIATIONS ARE TAKING SO LONG:
( AS WORLD LEADER, YELLING )
WE'LL CUT THE SANCTIONS."
( AS PUTIN, YELLING )
I WILL MOVE THE TANKS IN."
( AS WORLD LEADER, YELLING )
LAUGH ONE OF THE REASONS WE KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH RUSSIA'S MILITARY IS SOCIAL MEDIA,
BECAUSE VIDEOS OF RUSSIAN TROOPS MASSING ON UKRAINE'S BORDERS ARE
BEING WIDELY DISSEMINATED ON TIKTOK, LEADING THE MEDIA TO
LABEL THIS CONFLICT, "THE TIKTOK WAR."
( LAUGHTER )
NOT A TIKTOK WAR.
THAT WOULD BE...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD BE.
I'M 57.
I DON'T-- CAN WE...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BANG-BANG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST BE A LONG-FORM PODCAST BATTLE OR STACK OF OLD "NEW
YORKERS" REVOLUTION?
HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING: ALL OVER RUSSIA AND UKRAINE,
EVERYDAY CITIZENS ARE RECORDING MILITARY ACTIVITY AND POSTING
THOSE VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, LIKE THIS:
♪ ♪ ♪ THAT REALLY FEELS BIZARRE AND
DYSTOPIAN.
BUT IT IS REMINISCENT OF WORLD WAR II NEWSREELS THAT COMBINED
TROOP FOOTAGE WITH A.S.M.R.:
>> "THE TROOPS ARE MARCHING THROUGH THE SQUARE.
RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT."
WAR SEEMS PRETTY COOL.
( CLACKS FINGERNAILS ) ( CRINKLES CHIPS )
>> Stephen: WHILE RUSSIA'S MILITARY ACTION PLAYS OUT ON THE
"SOSH-MEEDZ," THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT IS RACING TO PREPARE FOR EVERY POTENTIAL SCENARIO,
WHICH IS WHY THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS ASSEMBLED
A DIVERSE GROUP OF EXPERTS PREPARING A CLEAR SERIES OF
RESPONSES, WHO ARE BEING CALLED THE "TIGER TEAM."
SO NAMED BECAUSE THEY'RE GRRRRRROUND WAR EXPERTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE TIGER TEAM'S--
THANK YOU.
REALLY?
REALLY.
( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.
( LAUGHTER )
UP WITH A PLAYBOOK FOR EVERY EVENTUALITY.
AND ONE WAY THEY'VE BEEN GAMING OUT SCENARIOS IS THROUGH
MULTI-HOUR, TABLETOP EXERCISES.
SO, THEY'RE PLAYING "RISK."
THEY'RE JUST PLAYING "RISK."
WHICH IS BAD NEWS FOR AUSTRALIA-- YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN
THIS THING, AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET TAKEN IN THE FIRST TURN.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO BRACE YOURSELVES AGAIN, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THERE MAY BE SOME ACTUAL
CONSEQUENCES FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, "YOU KNOW COUP."
BECAUSE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL LETITIA JAMES HAS BEEN
INVESTIGATING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FAMILY BUSINESS FOR
TAX AN/OR BANK FRAUD.
AND AS A RESULT OF HER PROBE, YESTERDAY, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S ACCOUNTING FIRM DROPPED HIS COMPANY AS A CLIENT.
IF THERE'S ANY KARMA IN THIS WORLD, THEY DROPPED HIM FOR A
YOUNGER, HOTTER CLIENT.
NOW
NOW HE'S GOING TO NEED SOMEONE
ELSE TO DO HIS TAXES.
I SUGGEST H&R CELLBLOCK.
WE LEARNED --
RACE RIGHT PARACE RIGHT PAST THD OUT!
WE LEARNED FROM A COURT FILING YESTERDAY THAT MAZAR'S, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S NOW-FORMER ACCOUNTING FIRM, SAYS THAT
THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS IT PREPARED FOR HIM BETWEEN JUNE
30, 2011 AND JUNE 30, 2020, "SHOULD NO LONGER BE RELIED
UPON."
SO, FOR THOSE NINE YEARS, NO ONE SHOULD TRUST ANY OF HIS
FINANCIAL STATEMENTS, OR ANY OF HIS STATEMENTS.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
COULD BE VERY BAD FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
>> THIS INFORMATION COULD GIVE RISE TO BANKS CALLING THEIR
LOANS, SAYING, "LISTEN, WE-- WE, WE GAVE YOU MONEY IN
RELIANCE ON INFORMATION THAT NOW TURNS OUT BY YOUR OWN ACCOUNTING
FIRM TO BE INACCURATE.
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY LIKELY THE BANKS MIGHT CALL THEIR
LOANS.
HE COULD LOSE EVERYTHING AND HAVE TO MOVE FROM MAR-A-LAGO TO
CAR-A-LAGO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LOOKING AT THE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT COULD HAPPEN.
TURNING TO NEWS FROM UP NORTH, I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE
LATEST FROM THE MAPLE-FLAVORED NUTJOBS IN OUR LONG-RUNNING,
FIRST-TIME SEGMENT: "WOAH, CANADA!"
FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS, CANADIAN ANTI-VACCINE PROTESTORS HAVE
BEEN BLOCKING MAJOR TRADE ROUTES, AND WHILE AUTHORITIES
HAVE CLEARED THE BRIDGE INTO ONTARIO, THE PROTESTS KEEP
RAGING ELSEWHERE, TEACHING AMERICANS A DISTURBING LESSON:
THERE ARE DIFFERENT PARTS OF CANADA.
( LAUGHTER )
MONTREAL, AND VANCOUVER, AND THEY WERE ALL WITHIN CANOE
DISTANCE OF EACH OTHER.
( LAUGHTER )
PUSHBACK FROM CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER AND HOT WIDOWER DAD IN
A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE
( APPLAUSE )
TRUDEAU TURNED UP THE HEAT TO WHATEVER IS HOT IN CELSIUS,
DECLARING A NATIONAL EMERGENCY TO END THE TRUCKER PROTESTS.
THAT IS SIGNIFICANT!
A NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALLOWS CANADIAN LAW ENFORCEMENT TO USE
THEIR MOST POWERFUL TOOL: THE HOCKEY STICK THEY USE TO CHASE
AWAY GEESE.
IN OTHER NOT-AMERICA NEWS, PRINCE ANDREW HAS SETTLED THE
SEXUAL ABUSE LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST HIM BY VIRGINIA GIUFFRE.
FINALLY, JUSTICE-- ONE ASSUMES.
BECAUSE WE'LL NEVER KNOW, BECAUSE ANDREW DID NOT ADMIT TO
ANY OF MS. GIUFFRE'S ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM, AND THE AMOUNT HE'S
PAYNG HER IS CONFIDENTIAL.
SO ALL THE DETAILS WILL NOW GO INTO THE ROYAL PALACE'S DUNGEON
OF FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE RIGHT BETWEEN ANNE BOLEYN'S HEAD AND A
PILE OF TAXIDERMIED CORGIS.
( LAUGHTER )
JOKE WAS REWRITTEN MANY TIMES, AND THOSE-- THOSE WERE TWO OF
THE LEAST-DISTURBING THINGS WE COULD THINK OF.
( APPLAUSE )
ONE DETAIL WE DO KNOW, ACCORDING TO THE STATEMENT ANNOUNCING THE
SETTLEMENT: ANDREW INTENDS TO MAKE A SUBSTANTIAL DONATION TO A
CHARITY IN SUPPORT OF VICTIMS' RIGHTS.
I BELIEVE HE'S DONATING THE MONEY DIRECTLY TO "THE PRINCE
ANDREW FOUNDATION TO STOP PRINCE ANDREW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN TINSELTOWN, HOLLYWOOD, LA-LA, NEWS, THE OSCARS ARE BACK, AND
AFTER THREE YEARS OF HOSTLESS SHOWS, WE'RE GETTING A WHOLE
LOTTA HOSTS: REGINA HALL, AMY SCHUMER, AND WANDA SYKES
( APPLAUSE )
MEANING THIS YEAR, THERE COULD BE MORE HOSTS THAN PEOPLE
WATCHING THEM.
THE OSCARS ARE TRYING SOMETHINGj aNEW THIS YEAR: CARING WHAT THE
AUDIENCE THINKS, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALLOWING TWITTER USERS TO VOTE
ON THEIR FAVORITE FILMS-- REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THE FILM
WAS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR-- AND THAT FILM WILL BE RECOGNIZED
DURING THE AWARDS BROADCAST.
SO CONGRATULATIONS TO THIS YEAR'S TWITTER OSCAR: HOMER
SIMPSON SLOWLY BACKING INTO A BUSH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TWITTER VOTERS WILL BE SELECTED TO HAVE AN ALL-EXPENSES-PAID
TRIP TO LOS ANGELES TO PRESENT AN OSCAR AWARD AT THE FOLLOWING
CEREMONY IN 2023.
SO GET READY TO HEAR, "AND NOW, PRESENTING THE AWARD FOR BEST
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: DAME HELEN MIRREN AND TWITTER USER
@BUTTBURGERPIMP420.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JOHN OLIVER.