So here's the thing.
Pick a guy that's easy going
and one that you like because
you can't change them.
I don't know if anybody's ever told
you that, but they're going to stay
the way you meet them
for their whole life.
And in fact,
they might even get worse.
(audience laughing)
And people get upset with me.
They go, don't say that Monique.
I'm going to say it three times
for each one of my failed marriages.
You can't change a man,
you can't change a man,
you can't change a man.
Why?
Because they're in their simplest form.
(audience laughing)
It's like bending a rock. Okay?
Element 119 on the elemental table,
man.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to tell you some things.
And the men are not upset.
Look, he's applauding.
This guy's happy.
He's like, thank you.
If you operate under the premise
that men are simple and delusional
and women are crazy
and complicated,
your life gets instantly good.
It's biblical.
The truth will set you free.
Watch this, watch this.
Exhibit A.
Sir, are you offended
by me saying you're simple?
- No.
- No, he's delighted.
Did you see the look on his face?
(audience laughing)
Because he wants her to understand
and quit nagging him.
He's like, finally, someone
on my side.
(audience laughing)
It's true.
(audience laughing)
Quit laughing,
I don't have a lot of time.
(audience laughing)
I want to help her because I've made
mistakes and I'm taking ownership
of them.
I'm going to tell you
how we ruin things as women
because we overthink.
We think too much
and we overthink things.
That's why we get crazy.
And I'm going to explain it to you.
I'm not a scientist,
but I think the ratio of thought
to speech with a woman is 15 to 1.
We wake up in the morning,
we flip on the turbines,
and it's go time.
(audience laughing)
Every time a woman utters
a sentence, for one sentence,
there's 15 potentials spinning
around at a high speed,
picking up houses and cars
and causing chaos.
And it's hard to think that much
and not have it go to a dark place.
You're going to freak yourself out
by breakfast.
In fact, guys,
I'm going to confirm one
of your worst fears,
women plan preemptive strikes
against you for stuff you haven't
even done yet.
(audience laughing)
You're just watching a ball game,
and she's saying, Oh, yeah,
if he does this,
I'm going to do that.
I'm going to get even with him.
He is not getting away with that.
And you're just minding
your own business. Alright?
Women get upset.
They go, Monique, you make it sound
like we should lower our standards
when it comes to our men.
No, don't lower your standards,
lose them altogether. Okay?
(audience laughing)
If you learn nothing else
from this show.
And the men are not offended,
they're delighted.
Because they're like,
oh, she understands us.
Because the ratio of thought
to speech with the man is 0.5 to 1.
Every time a man utters a sentence,
half the words have escaped his lips
unchecked, unfiltered, unthought
about.
They just get out
like little invisible paint balls
pelting and annoying the women
around him.
What I call DDS,
Dumb Dude Statements.
Watch this.
Have you ever said something stupid?
- What?
- See?
See?
(audience laughing)
Perfection.
(audience laughing)
It's not your fault,
you were designed that way.
You're not designed to think
complicated, convoluted, sensitive
thoughts.
You're designed to spring up
from behind a rock,
kill stuff, and drag it home.
(audience laughing)
That's your gig.
(audience laughing)
And if women understood that,
they'd be so much happier.
I wish somebody would have told me.
I wish I would have had a me
when I was a you, but I'm telling you.
Go out and live your life,
sweet girl.
You know why?
Because the man in your life
who loves you will not be paying
attention to you.
He just won't.
They live
in their own little worlds.
So just go out and have a good time.
If you're going to do something,
do it for you. Alright?
Because the one thing men really
hate is when you do something
for them that they didn't ask you
to do.
(audience laughing)
And then get upset with them
because they didn't celebrate
your little accomplishment.
I saw this a lot during COVID.
My friends had free time,
so they were redoing their houses,
all their little DIY projects, binge
watching all their little shows
on HGTV.
And the man, he's just in the living
room minding his own business,
watching Tiger King
for the third time.
The woman comes over.
Come here, come here, come here,
come here.
And when you say to a man
come here come here
and you don't tell him why,
he's nervous.
"Why?
"What?"
You go, come here.
Come to the bathroom,
come to the bathroom.
Now he's thinking,
I am in a big room comfortable,
and you want me to follow you
to the bathroom.
It's a small room.
It's a trap.
(audience laughing)
And you're all excited because you
redid the whole thing with $65
and a glue gun.
You are thrilled.
But he's not going to notice
the redo.
You know why?
Because he's afraid because he
doesn't know why he's there.
And you stand in the middle
of the bathroom, you go, ta-da,
what do you think?
Now, I don't know what the man is
thinking because I'm not a man,
but I'm pretty sure I know what
the man is not thinking.
He's not thinking, oh, sweetheart,
that border is so straight.
And the way you did that rag roll,
and that carpet pulls it together.
This bathroom is beautiful.
(audience laughing)
I love it.
I'm going to take Metamucil
right now.
(audience laughing)
I want to have a long sit down
in this beautiful bathroom.
(audience laughing)
No, that is not what the man
is thinking.
The man is thinking,
I know I can't use
those little soaps.
That much I know.
(audience laughing)
But what towel can I dry my butt off
with without getting murdered?
I need to know.
(audience laughing)
And the woman has her feelings hurt.
Just live your life.
Because I'm going to tell you
something.
If you want a man to love you
forever and ever and ever and ever,
listen to the woman who's
been divorced three times.
You want him to love you forever,
don't talk to him.
(audience laughing)
I didn't say don't talk with him,
I just said don't talk to him.
Men will tell you when they have
something to say because they are
task-oriented.
When a man talks to a woman,
he has something in mind,
a beginning, a middle, an end.
My work here is done.
Something has been accomplished.
Women are drunk drivers
on the information highway.
We don't have to have a point.
We just talk.
Because that 15 to 1
is creating pressure
behind our eyes.
See, we have to talk.
They don't.
They got a lot of room in there.
They're very comfortable.
(audience laughing)
I wish these were jokes, I really do.
(audience laughing)
But I like this kid.
I like her a lot.
She's got a good vibe.
I want to help her out.
That's true.
I'm going to tell you
a little something, these people
married for years.
How many people have been married
for years and years and years?
I love that.
Let's take it next level because I
am hopeful I'm going to meet
a nice person soon, and then I'm
going to live happily ever after.
I'm 59 years old, one month,
three weeks, two days.
So if I want to reach
a 40th anniversary,
I got to meet him in like a week. Okay?
And I got to continue to take care
of myself.
That's why I went pescaterian,
for my future husband.
I've even got a name for him, Larry.
We'll talk about him in a minute.
We'll talk about the Lair-bear
in a minute.
(audience laughing)
So seriously, I'm going to tell you
ladies something you don't want
to hear.
When you ask your husband
a question, your husband is not
thinking of the answer
to that question.
Your husband is thinking,
what can I say
that will shut this down?
(audience laughing)
I don't want her mad,
I just want her gone.
(audience laughing)
It's early.
I'm not ready to engage.
I haven't had enough coffee.
She's coming in hot.
(audience laughing)
I got news for you.
Any time you're walking
towards a man quickly, the man,
you're coming in hot.
It's true.
This is the time of year where we
want them to get involved.
Because we care.
Women care about the holidays
and family and they don't.
Don't take it personal.
When you ask a man,
how do you want me
to decorate the house?
You know what the man wants to say?
Quietly.
(audience laughing)
How about not at all?
How about you quit spending money
and moving stuff around?
(audience laughing)
Not that many people are coming
over these days anyway.
And I like this couch.
It's worn out, but it's comfortable.
I like this couch.
As long as we're talking,
stay out of my underwear drawer.
I'm a grown man.
I know when I need new ones.
I don't mind the holes.
They're ventilation.
It takes a long time to get them
this soft.
(audience laughing)
Why are you asking me questions
anyway?
You do whatever you want.
(audience laughing)
But they know they can't say
any of that.
So they just sit there.
But I know this now.
I know this.
I'm going to get it right next time.
I'm so excited about Larry.
(audience laughing)
Because when I meet somebody,
and I'm very hopeful that now
that I'm getting out and whatnot,
that I'll meet
a nice age-appropriate man.
I know that men don't have
age-appropriate, they have prison,
no prison, but I would like to meet
a man close to my age
because prior to the Rona,
I was dating little dudes.
I didn't do it on purpose.
I didn't, but they'd ask me out.
I'm like catnip to them
or something.
I've tried perfume, Febreze,
or some smell.
It's a desperate cougar smell
or something.
I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
But they come up to me
after the show
and they'd be like, "hey, comedy girl.
"Would you like to go out
"for a coffee or something?"
I'd be like, how old are you,
little dude?
They're like, "28."
I have a sweater older than you.
No, I do.
I do it's an Adrian Bernardini.
I took the shoulder pads out,