- You know what my mom would be so happy about right now?
How clean my hands are.
My mom wanted clean hands.
Listen, if your hands were dirty
she would go your hands are filthy.
So what, who cares?
She would come over with a bowl of soapy water
while you're sitting there, with a wash cloth
and clean your hands.
She was like our Mother Theresa.
You know what my mom was doing that thing
where somebody puts their hand like this,
I think they do it on Star Trek
and then you become them.
She just transferred her whole self over.
Like those old ghost movies
where you go,
uh oh, I'm someone else.
I think my mom kind of did that
in the sweetest way.
Plus she was the role model I needed to follow
if I was gonna have enough hope
to try something like becoming successful in comedy.
I can't stay long, I'm in between meals
so bear with me.
(laughing)
I went shopping today,
what's this one size fits all stuff?
I would say mom,
how did you make Campbell's tomato soup so delicious?
She wouldn't give it up easy.
You had to kind of work her to get the info.
Well what I like to do Louie,
I like to take a dollop of butter
and put it in the soup.
I go mom show me what a dollop is.
She'd show me, I'd go mom, what's a wallop.
That's a wallop of butter.
It looked like the spill from an oil tanker,
little tiny birds were in there
trying to get a, get the dove.
She loved living
and she was trying to cheer you up I think.
She was trying to engage you in what she could.
She was a great person.
When my mom died,
we had to get a 26 foot truck
to get the stuff out of the basement.
My mom was a packer.
Not a hoarder though, because we had aisles.
(audience laughing)
I'm coming down seven.
Love you ma.
She was so great,
she was so cuckoo.
She'd come back and go Louie,
what, you're terrific of course.
But I am not like that.
I don't sound like that.
I don't just eat butter all the time.
She loved butter.
First words out of her mouth at a restaurant,
can we get some extra butter?
Well let us seat your party first ma'am.
(audience laughing)
Okay but don't use the word lettuce again.
A lot of babies were powdered, I was buttered.
She loved the butter jokes,
she loved all the jokes about her going to garage sales.
She loved a good garage sale.
Pull over this is a hell of a sale.
So we're gonna leave the funeral precession?
Well he's not going anywhere is he Louie?
We were poor, we were so poor
sometimes I didn't have money to get things.
Like my mom's birthday,
I always hated that if I didn't have money.
I would make her a coupon book usually.
I'll wash the dishes.
I'll do the laundry.
I'll kill dad for you.
(audience laughing)
My mom the sweetest person,
Louie thank you for that coupon book.
So what you have to listen to your mom's stories?
So what?
What are you doing that's so important
that you can't listen to your mom drone on and on.
You hear about Shirley, Louie?
What?
Shirley.
No, you're not even sure who Shirley is.
Well she fell.
And then she would look at me
like I had something to do with it.
I was hoping my mom would show up, but you know.
- [Person In Audience] She did, the lights.
- She might be here, you don't know.
You don't know, if you slip on butter on the way out.
(audience laughing)
You're close to your mom's house,
just drive by and honk the horn.
Give it the honk, mom honk.
Not too long, just beep beep beep, hi mom,
beep beep beep.
Mom, love you.
You want some soup?
Why don't you come in and get some soup?
You can eat it on the porch.
I'll stay six feet from you if I can,
I won't promise you anything.
(piano music)