Big news from the NFL,
which has announced that this year's Super Bowl halftime show
will be headlined by Rihanna.
(cheering, applause)
And...
we can all agree on what that means, right?
That means that this isn't the Super Bowl anymore,
this is a Rihanna concert with football around it,
all right?
That's what it is.
In government news, the CIA has announced
that it is launching a podcast.
Yeah. Which is great,
because I guess now, for a change,
we're gonna be listening to them.
And I know-I know a lot of people are doubtful about this.
They think it's weird, but I think it's gonna be a huge hit,
you know? Yeah, 'cause the CIA said that they're gonna use
the same tactics they used when they launched crack,
so this podcast is gonna go everywhere.
It's gonna be really good. Oh, in international news,
Italy has elected its first female prime minister,
-yeah, yeah, -(cheering, applause)
who is also a right-wing politician
who loves Mussolini. Too late, you cheered.
-(audience groans) -No, you cheered.
You can't take your cheers back. You can't take your cheers back.
You love her already. Yeah.
This is bittersweet for Italian liberals, because a woman
broke the glass ceiling, but she did it
by throwing an immigrant through it. (exclaims)
All right, let's move on to the big stories of the day,
starting with Star Wars,
the sci-fi movie that made incest cool.
For almost 50 years, James Earl Jones
has been the voice behind Darth Vader,
the most famous villain in movie history
and most famous asthmatic. (wheezing)
But on Friday, Disney announced
that the Force is gonna be moving on.
NEWSMAN: James Earl Jones is reportedly retiring
from voicing Darth Vader,
but Star Wars fans may not even notice.
Vanity Fair says the 91-year-old actor
has signed off on a plan to use artificial intelligence
to craft new dialogue from his old voice recordings.
You see? The Little Mermaid becomes Black
and they take away James Earl Jones!
Aah! I told you there'd be backlash!
I told you!
No, I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm joking.
The legendary actor has retired from doing the voice,
that's all that happened.
And what's interesting to me is you know what they said?
Instead of trying to find someone else to voice the part,
Disney has said they're gonna use artificial intelligence
to replicate Darth Vader's voice. Yeah.
Now, I don't know, people, this makes me a little nervous.
(laughter)
Yeah, we think A.I. is going to take over the world,
and now we're going to teach it
to use the dark side of the Force?
No one thinks this is a bad idea?
But I get it. I get it.
I mean, that voice is iconic.
You know, it belongs in Darth Vader's body,
or announcing CNN promos, but that's it.
And that's the last thing we need.
The last thing we need is them opening the role up
to, like, other famous people. Like, that could spoil...
You know when they do that with roles
and then it becomes weird? You know?
Can you imagine Darth Vader being voiced by someone else?
(beeps, static crackling)
(Darth Vader breathing)
(as Chris Rock): Luke, I am your father.
(laughter)
But until your mama shows me the paternity test,
you can just call me Uncle Darth.
(static crackling)
(Darth Vader breathing)
(as John Oliver): And for our main story tonight,
I am your father.
That's right, Luke, I am your daddy
and yes, that upsets me as much as it upsets you, Luke.
(static crackling)
(Darth Vader breathing)
(as Donald Trump): A lot of people are saying
I'm your father, Luke.
They're saying they've never seen a better father.
And they're right.
I love all my children.
It's you, it's Ivanka and that's it.
(applause and cheering)
It would never worked.
All right, enough of that.
Let's move on from Star Wars to another ongoing battle:
the midterm elections
in our latest installment of Votedemic 2022.
♪ ♪
(applause)
We're now just six weeks away from Election Day,
which means each party
is making their closing pitches to the voters.
Democrats are promising that if they win
they will secure abortion rights
and share Nancy Pelosi's stock tips.
And Friday, to counter that message,
Republicans revealed their new policy idea.
House Republicans are unveiling their plan
to win back the majority in November.
On Friday, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy,
who is eyeing the Speaker's gavel,
announced his new GOP agenda,
called the Commitment to America.
But on that very first day that we're sworn in,
you'll see that it all changes
'cause on our very first bill,
we're going to repeal 87,000 IRS agents.
(cheers and applause)
Our job is to work for you, not go after you.
Goddamm.
(laughter)
87,000 IRS agents fired.
Yeah.
"But I just sweep the floors."
"Well, sweep them at home 'cause your ass is gone.
#Republicans."
I also love the language they use
when they're trying to be tactical. Right?
When they complain about jobs going away,
they'll be like, "You're losing jobs, you're getting fired."
When it's them, they're like, "We're gonna repeal these jobs."
(laughter)
And if you're thinking that 87,000
is a weirdly specific number,
that's because it is the exact number
of IRS employees hired by the Biden administration
a couple of months ago.
Yeah, and the idea behind this was that the government
could get more money if the IRS was better able to crack down
on all the tax cheats like billionaires and corporations.
Right? Which makes sense, which makes sense,
although another way to get more money in taxes
would be to not make doing taxes feel
like solving the formula for the time-space continuum.
-(cheering and applause) -They could make it easier.
Yeah, got to spend all weekend
combining line 15c with line 38b.
I... if I wanted to be an accountant,
I would have been an accountant, goddamn it!
But now the GOP is promising fewer IRS agents,
which means you have less of a chance of getting audited,
which means you don't have to worry as much
about paying your taxes.
-(scattered whooping) -And you know who it...? Yeah.
Basically the GOP is that kid who ran for class president
in ninth grade on a platform of making homework illegal.
And you're like, "This doesn't seem responsible
"or even possible, but... yeah, he has my vote.
Yeah... he has my vote."
But, look, this IRS bill has a good chance of happening
'cause, remember, the Republicans are still expected
to take control of the House this year for--
and for many reasons-- yeah, Joe Biden's unpopularity,
uh, the way congressional districts are drawn,
uh, people are hearing that Republicans are giving away
free flights to Martha's Vineyard,
but remember, it's not a sure thing.
They might win, but it's not a sure thing,
and part of the reason it's not as sure as it should be
is because the Republicans keep putting up candidates like this.
NEWSWOMAN: Republican House candidate J.R. Majewski
is struggling in his campaign in Northwest Ohio.
The 42-year-old Republican first launched into fame
by painting Donald Trump into his lawn
and raised eyebrows last year
with a rap video attacking Joe Biden.
Majewski is now in hot water again,
facing accusations that he lied
about being deployed to Afghanistan after 9/11
when, in fact, he served away from combat.
Majewski says the documents proving that he saw combat
are top secret.
In fact, the orders and the military records
that I have been able to obtain from my personal files shows
that all of my deployments are listed as classified.
Yeah, that's right, people,
he cannot prove that he was in combat
because all of the records are classified,
and I believe him.
Man, I-I-I've been there, I've been there. I have.
When I was in middle school, my girlfriend was classified, too,
and it sucks-- she was so hot, guys.
I wish you could have seen her, but, oh, man,
she was so classified.
(groans)
No, for real. I-If you-- If you weren't in active combat,
you can't just say you were in active combat.
Right? Especially to get elected.
Right? At a dinner party, we get it.
"You know, I killed bin Laden." "Ooh, ooh."
But lying about active combat isn't just disrespectful
to all the troops who are actually in active combat--
it's also extremely misleading to the voters.
Right? If you're gonna say
you're doing top secret combat in Afghanistan
and you can't show it to us,
you should at least have to prove it.
You know? You should have to do some SEAL Team Six shit
in front of us.
Yeah. Like, the guy standing next to you,
just snap his neck onstage.
Yeah, then I'll believe you. They'll be like,
"Oh, shit! Did you see that?!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!"
And then the guy I'm talking to, his head slides off his body.
I'm like... (screaming)
But it looks like this guy wasn't in active combat
and he didn't kill anything.
Other than that rap music video.
That was a...
Rap did not survive that video.
Rest in peace, hip-hop. (kiss)
We will remember you.
We will remember you. All right, but let's move on
to some international news,
because America isn't the only country in the world, you know?
There's, like, ten others.
Three weeks ago,
the U.K. was introduced to its new prime minister,
Liz Truss, who announced
that she was gonna get Britain back on track.
She just didn't mention which way the track would be going.
This morning, uh, the British pound plunged nearly 5%
to a record low against the U.S. dollar,
levels like this not seen since the '80s.
This amid growing fears of instability in the U.K.
Friday, British officials announced
the largest tax cuts in 50 years
while also boosting government borrowing and spending.
Worries there this will be inflationary.
This seems to be a-a vote of...
o-of no c-- no support for the new government here
and its big, ambitious plans announced late last week.
Yeah. So, here's what happened--
Liz Truss introduced a round of tax cuts for the wealthy,
and, in response, the British currency has collapsed,
which is not what they wanted.
Yeah. And at some point,
can we admit that even lifelong politicians
don't actually know what they're doing? Right?
-(cheering and applause) -C-Can we admit that?
We-we just assume
they have some idea of the way things work,
but they just-- they just run things
the way we used to play Mortal Kombat, you know?
Just-just hit all the buttons and hope for a fatality.
"Come on, Liu Kang, come on!"
I actually feel bad for Liz Truss,
'cause this was the first bill that she proposed
and it tanked the entire economy.
Can you imagine being prime minister
and your first idea, your first idea, everyone's like,
"Oh, you blew it, you wanker!
"Aw, sell all of our money! It's worthless now!
Thanks, Liz!"
I'm ki-- I'm kidding. Obviously, this--
the bill wasn't the first thing she did.
The first-first thing she did was kill the queen, right?
-This was her second thing. -(gasping, laughter)
That's what it was.
All right, that's it for the headlines!
That's it for the headlines.
But before we go to a quick break,
let's check in on the stock market with our finance expert
Michael Kosta, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
-Michael. -Mm, mm.
What is happening in the markets today?
I am crushing the market, Trevor.
Consistent exponential growth.
And I got a hot tip for you, a hot tip for you,
-and a hot tip for you. Stay tuned. -You know, Kosta,
you always say that you're crushing it,
-but, like, how are you crushing... -Yeah.
Like, what do you-- what do you invest in?
Well, I'm-I'm glad you asked that, Trevor,
and I would love to tell you, but it's classified, okay?
A-And... and, look, it's hard to constantly be crushing it,
especially right now. World markets are down.
I mean, look at this, you know?
In response,
governments around the world are raising their rates.
And here's what people don't realize--
this is why I'm an expert--
if you raise prices,
things get more expensive, okay?
Lot of people don't know that.
-But, look, look, you know...? -(laughter)
You know who's not crushing it?
The British, okay?
The British pound is way down.
I mean, look at this chart, okay?
This looks bad. This looks like my face
when I made my own face serum from TikTok, but-but...
By the way, doesn't it kind of piss you off
that they added a last name to their money, you know?
How far... how far up your own ass are you
when you give your money a last name?
I mean, Pound Sterling?
The dollar should do that, right?
Dollar, first name. Dollar, middle name. Bills, last name.
-Y'all, suffix, right? (laughter)
-(applause) -Yeah.
(British accent): "Hello.
Hello. I'm Pound Sterling."
"What up? I'm Dollar Dollar Bills, Y'all."
Look, now let's... let's dig into this.
Let's look at the chart right here.
Also, I think it's funny that they had to, like,
make a little crown right there, you know?
We get it. Look, people are blaming the tax cuts.
They're blaming Liz Truss.
But, no, here's what happened with the pound.
The queen, okay-- rest in power, okay-- she-she passed away.
Now you can see right here.
This moment right here is where the Brits realize
Charles is going to be on their money, all right?
Having a 70-year-old man in your pants is never exciting, okay?
(laughter, applause)
Look at this.
And it's definitely not going to stimulate your economy.
Now, if you're an American tourist,
this can be used to your advantage
because now is the best time to buy British goods,
like swords stuck in stones or Scotland
or extra "U"s for random words, like "color" or "neighborhood."
You know, British things. Now, Trevor--
these governments-- they're trying to do too much.
Raising interest rates, conversion rates,
inflation, monetization, consideration.
I have a solution, okay?
In order to stimulate the economy,
all we have to do is add hot people to our cash,
not Charles, okay?
Way more people are likely to take out money and spend it
if there's pictures of sexy people on the money.
Imagine pulling out a dollar, and it's got Paul Rudd on it,
-or Sofia Vergara, or Paul Rudd, you know? -(laughter)
Imagine taking out a $20, and you look,
and it's that guy from I Love You, Man,
but it isn't Jason Segel. You know, Paul Rudd, right?
(laughter)
Michael, uh, can you just give us a hot tip?
-Just give a hot tip. -Yeah, I promise you. Okay, okay.
If we do get sexy people on the money,
like... like I'm suggesting, and you can rub them together,
that's like two sexy people kissing, okay?
And-and you can... Okay, on one bill,
you get, like, a hot leading lady,
and on the other bill, you could get someone from the...
you know, This is 40 or Ant-Man, you know?
Like a Paul Rudd, right? And you could...
-That's hot. -(laughter)
Back to you, Trevor.
(applause and cheering)
Thank you so much for that, Michael Kosta.