I I have to I have to tell you something here now now bear with me because this may
get a little complicated let me just start by saying that we work for CBS
Paul and the band and myself and everybody here we we do the show here at CBS and in
return they they compensate us comfortably I would say wouldn't you Paul yeah and and
and sometimes in our relationship with CBS we've been here how many years going on 11
10 years something like that 11 years yeah 11 years and uh sometimes things have been great
like when we first came over from NBC Paul and I used to do the show at BC and then they fired
Paul you were stealing something right uh whenever I was I don't want to get into it
now okay forget I brought that up right and and and um as a show of uh support and unity
I left when Paul was I'll never forget that thank you well you've been a dear to me as
well and so when we came over to CBS everything was great for about two 2 and a half three years
and and then suddenly and I won't bore you with what happened but things happened there were
changes and we went into a long dark cold period it it was like the second Ice Age people who used
to be here were no longer here and then the people that took their places were gone you they'd go to
lunch and never come back and we were just left you know we didn't know what to think and and
and then now things have been pretty good when was the last time I was really upset about CBS
it's been a long time oh yeah you haven't ranted or anything you know gone into a long rant at the
top of the show in a long long time and I I just I just want to mention that this is not really a
long rant this is just by way of information oh okay this is explanatory explanatory yeah
so uh any things have been pretty good with our relationship I think pretty solid within n workk
up until last night now last night last night now now here's the other part of the the story
uh CBS you you heard of The People's Choice Awards they've been on the air for 30 years
yeah oh I I've SE I we see that yeah I've see and and the the the the reason uh people in
the entertainment business like to win the People's Choice Awards and they'll tell you
right there when they accept the awards because the people people the people vote on the awards
it's not like some group of Stooges on some kind of committee or anything it's the actual
people yeah it's a it's a literal an analogous popularity contest the people vote and you get
the award choose well now in 30 years that the People's Choice Awards has been business
we've never been nominated and there's a good reason for that the people don't like us don't
like us the people don't like us all right well guess what this year the People's Choice Awards
which by the way last night was on the CBS television network right here this network
you're watching right here Chucho yeah this this network right here yes the People's Choice Award
was on we uh happen to be nominated in the category best talk show oh that's we thank you
now so we find out about this like two months ago we get a call or a guy comes to your house
guess what and it turns out uh we were nominated uh the the almighty and all powerful Oprah Winfrey
was nominated and Jay Leno was nominated so it's the big three it's the Big Show down there and so
and so they say we'll let you know within a week whether You've Won now here's this is interesting
you didn't know this before they they they only notify the winner because they don't want losers
cluttering up the awards show they they don't want to rent a hall they don't want to go to the
trouble of renting a gymnasium or wherever they hold this thing and and then have it filled with
losers I see so they'll tell you that you've been nominated and they say if you don't hear from us
in a week you didn't win well we didn't win well okay we didn't expect to win because again the
people don't like us so now all we know is either Jay Leno won or Oprah Winfrey won so last night
on the show uh Oprah Winfrey wins ah she's very popular she's damn good and the people love her
the people love her yeah so okay now here's now I come to work today and somebody shows me this
deal the CBS has a website and on the website they promote various upcoming CBS broadcast so
yesterday and all last week on the CBS on the CBS on the CBS website yes website yes they're
promoting The People's Choice Awards yes as well they would all right now here I have made now a a
copy a photox copy of what's on the CBS website yesterday keep in mind that I'm Dave Letterman
yeah I work here at CBS you are yes you I was finally nominated for a People's Choice Award
very nice okay now here's what CBS was doing to promote their Big Show on the website they're so
proud of the People's Choice Awards yeah that they promotee on their website sure all right
take a look here you got a picture there there's Bill Cosby there's Everybody Loves Raymond and
then look at there there's J look at that look at that look at that he's not on CBS he not on
CBS you are I'm on CBS yeah what's the matter with these people that's interesting could they could
well put Oprah put Oprah Oprah is the winner I would understand that put Oprah on there she's on
a different time of day entirely now listen it's it's a team there is no I in team there there is
but it's teamwork it's all about teamwork and we have to pull together as a team and and if
you don't bad things will happen to your team sometimes I get the feeling our team never even
gets off the bus well so now here's what I want to do because I want to I want to dip this in the
butt I don't want this to turn ugly I don't want this to fester and get wild and just silly like
sometimes things can yeah like the David and lies of marriage you don't want that to happen to this
here's what I want and listen to me because I'm not kidding about this I want a call from somebody
at CBS not a stooge I don't want a stoe calling me okay I I got I got I know plenty of Stooges I can
talk to on my own I don't need to get a call from a stoe I want like a big deal person a big deal
man or woman high powered executive to call me up and here's what I want you to do I say gez Dave oh
my God we're terribly sorry please for the love of God forgive us and oh by the way and I don't want
this to really happen but I want them to say that this really happened but I don't want it to happen
I want them to say oh and by the way the person who made that mistake has been fired yeah they
don't want that to really but I don't want that to happen it would be nice if they said that I just
want him to say that I don't blame you yeah and that seems fair enough to me and if that happens
happens if that if you get a call like that what will you do everything will be fine sure you'll
forget the whole thing okay that's right and it has to happen within 24 hours if I if I haven't
received this phone call because I know in the control room there's a stooge sitting in the
control room you better pick up the phone and call one of your buddies and get them to make this call
as soon as possible or this is going to get ugly I don't blame you apologize beg for my forgiveness
and pretend that you fired the person responsible okay fine all right I don't no fair fair is fair
let's see that I know look at this yeah he look at this I'm on CVS you saw him right at the same
time we're on CVS what do you think I'm on both networks what do you think my name both networks
what do you think I'm on both networks what do you think don't know I don't know oh golly G now
here's something that I loved ladies and gentlemen more than life itself you know Don Donald Trump
has got his own show on NBC and yeah and oh you can read all about it on the CBS website I'm
[Applause] sure want see
me I bet da pissed
off understand I don't want anybody fired oh of course not I don't even I don't even want to
know who was responsible for it I just want him to say and don't worry so and so has been fired
I just wanted to say that yeah and by the way we just checked the website it's still up okay
good so so nothing has happened in the last 10 minutes should yeah all right this is great you
know what just happened oh this is very exciting I'm told now that here on my phone can you see
the blinking light there on the phone you know who that is yes who's on there that I'm told now
that that's the chairman and CEO of CBS Mr Leslie moon this will be good they didn't get any higher
than CBS than this guy and and and he this is the guy and now everything's so pH we'll see
what happens here okay hello Mr moones hello Dave how are you I'm fine thank you how are you oh you
know Dave Dave uh I I can't tell you how sorry I am and everybody at CBS is at uh
the the indiscretion that we we used on our website um I have to tell you two things that
happened one one we have pulled down the website entirely there is no more cbs.com excellent and
number two the person who was in charge is now fired thank you very much lesie uh you
know we take care of you Dave and we love you I appreciate the call let's play golf
all right I'd love to okay byebye goodbye how about [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that shut
down the website entirely yeah doesn't exist anymore are you feeling better I
feel much better okay that's all it's a brand new year I feel [Applause] [Music]
great the I know keep the world [Music] around a [Applause]
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